She’s Worthy of Goodness

This past week, I received a heartbreaking email from a young lady from Denmark named Rebekah. Within her correspondence, Rebekah mentioned realizing just how many young women had been sexually abused in some way or another. She then proceeded to ask if good guys care if a girl has the sort of “baggage” that comes with a sexually abused past. Were those girls worthy of a good, holy man who would treat them right or were they doomed to a future of settling for a lesser man simply because a “good” guy wouldn’t want to be with a girl like them?

Reading Rebekah’s email, I found myself on the verge of tears. I was hurting for these women and wanted to help each one of them.
I considered simply responding to her email and leaving it at that, but then I realized that there had to be more women dealing with this issue than just the ones Rebekah knew. I couldn’t limit my response to just them. I felt like I had to write on the subject so that as many women as possible could read the response to such a tragic situation that they themselves may be facing or dealing with.

This is that.

_____________

First, allow me to be frank: regardless of what has happened to you, what has been forced upon you, or what has been done to you, it is not your fault. Not even a miniscule bit.
A man or woman forcing themselves upon you isn’t the result of your words or actions. I don’t care what you’ve been told or how you’ve been treated by naysayers in the past; any type of sexual abuse that you’ve encountered is in no way your fault. The fault and blame lie solely in the piece of trash who decided to force themselves on you without your consent or willing participation.
More than anything, I need you to believe that and I need you to accept it. Doing so is the very first step in realizing that you are worth more than your past would dictate.
You are not to blame for your past. Truer words I have never written.

In Rebekah’s email, she asked if good guys care if a girl has been sexually abused. To be honest, yes, they probably do. However, if a man cannot accept you for who you are now—baggage and history included—then he most certainly does not deserve to be with you in the first place.
As I mentioned above, what you’ve been through is not your fault.
So if a man sees your past as a dark smudge on who you are as a person to the point that he struggles with being with you in a romantic sense, then get away from him because he isn’t worthy of your attention or affection.
There are good, wholesome men out there who are quietly waiting for a chance to love and cherish you for all that you are, all that you have been, and all that you will ever be. This is the kind of man you and every other woman deserve.

Most importantly, you deserve a partner—and a life—that is everything you want and require. Your past does not preclude you from being happy or satisfied, nor does it mean that you have to settle for someone who looks upon you with a stare reserved for used or second-hand goods.
You are worthy of the one who will treat you as lovely and wonderful as you’ve ever dreamed. You deserve to be loved and cherished because of your past, not in spite of it. You are worthy of a romance that is understanding and beautiful and ever-lasting.

Do not settle just because you feel your past dictates you should.
You’ve been through hell and you’ve survived. For that, you deserve to be treated like the strong, vibrant woman you are.

And the man worthy of your time and love will understand that, no matter what you’ve been through or what’s been done to you.

You are worthy of goodness.

You can follow me on Twitter here.
My debut novel, “These Were the Nights” will be available everywhere this spring.
Thank you for reading.

A Jealous Heart

If there’s something I hate at all in this world, it’s the feeling of being jealous. We’ve all felt it. Our ears burn and our anger and imagination run amok. Someone has something we want, or have accomplished something we wanted to accomplish, and we feel as if our world has been set on fire.

I, for one, am bad about being jealous for the tiniest, fleeting of moments. I see another writer being offered a book deal or backhandedly bragging about the traffic their blog is getting (we bloggers are a notoriously braggadocios bunch, but we do it with faux-humility so it’s okay) and I want what they have; I want to be where they are as a writer. But then I remember that I write because I love it more than anything; that I do it so that others can learn from the mistakes I’ve made in God, Life, and Love and not to be rich or famous (brut honesty: it’s likely that neither will ever happen). Yet, during those small moments of ragged jealousy, I become as a child, coveting for something that is not mine.

Jealousy is never more damaging than when it occurs within the confines of a romantic relationship. We see our girl talking to another guy and rage swells between our temples, or you see your fella flirting with another girl—maybe on purpose, maybe not—and suddenly you want to set everything on fire (don’t deny your pyromaniac tendencies, ladies). But where does that jealousy come from? What makes us become so incensed with doubt and enraged feelings that we become angry, and even volatile? Look within the heart.

I’ve long maintained that the things we are most jealous of are the things with which we are most insecure. I become jealous of other writers because I’m not always certain that I’m a good enough writer to be able to write for a living one day. We become jealous of our significant other chatting up another guy/gal because perhaps we aren’t absolutely sure we’re everything they want in a partner. It’s even possible that we don’t trust them, so that feeling of jealousy is easily raised with even the slightest bit of provocation (Note: if you’re making your partner jealous on purpose, grow up. Seriously. No one enjoys those kinds of games. And if you’re putting someone through that kind of torture just to get their attention, you aren’t mature enough to be in a relationship). It’s within those insecurities where our jealousy resides. So how do we fix it?

I believe that jealousy is simply a part of human nature; a small bit of it will always be with us, ready to pop up at a moment’s notice. But if we can discover and heal the core of these insecurities, we can avoid dealing with constant feelings of jealousy and inadequacy.

If we can work on our own selves and rectify the insecurities that hold us back, we can participate in our romance—and life in general—with a joyous heart and trusting nature. Not only will we be happier individuals, but our relationships will be stronger as well.

You can follow me on Twitter here. Thank you for reading.

“These Were the Nights” cover

Proud to unveil the cover of my forthcoming novel, “These Were the Nights” done by the talented Caleb Spillyards.

Remember Me

There’s a rumbling amongst we rebels of this generation.

Forgoing the hard won ways of our fathers, and their fathers before them, we seem to crave for the notoriety of creation—building, painting, singing, writing; it’s become a means for us to be seen, to be noticed.

We drown in a world wrought with culture and the benign advantages of creative success. Overrun with the storied accomplishment of those who supply the world with their art, their song, their words, we bellow at the top of our creative lungs, only hoping to be heard.

“Your attention! Read this! Listen here! Notice that! Me! Notice me! Please!”

It’s become the meaning of life and the process of our ways. In the days of many, we only wish to be “that one”.

Still aching for the acknowledgement and invitation to success, we busy our hands and hearts, praying for a frightening flash of genius we so cravenly hope to possess.

We are the empty vessels desiring to be fulfilled; desperately wanting the respect of our competition and the jealousy of our rivals.

We are a generation of creators, and by God, we will do just that.

Adrift in the days of art and song and movement, we are the reincarnated days of the Renaissance, shining in the way only we can…for we are the creating few.

Sliding into the conscience of a distracted population, we work, work, work wanting only to shine, shine, shine in an overcrowded marketplace.

Yet, a mystery remains. Why are we so hellish and bent on being known for our brilliance and innovation?

Why are we so terribly frightened of going unnoticed?

With a mind to our ways and a thought to our means, the answer is simple, yet blinding.

We build so that we are noticed; we create so that we are always remembered; we forge so that we are not forgotten;

Climbing the heaps of the muddled masses, we write and dance and paint and sing, all at once brandishing our unanimous plea,

“Please…just remember me.”

You can follow me on Twitter here. Thank you so very much for reading.

How to Stay Married

Check out the guest post I did for TamaraOutLoud.com.

5 tips to keeping your marriage alive forever!

Read and pass it along!

http://tamaraoutloud.com/2012/02/17/guest-post-tips-to-staying-married/

When You Know, You Know

“When you know, you know. And when you don’t know, you still know.”

This is a saying I use frequently when I’m asked for relationship advice (I know; I’m surprised as you are). I think I came up with it myself, but considering the amount of movies, music, and television I ingest, I wouldn’t doubt that I subconsciously stole it from someone (as long as it wasn’t Nickelback…).

Regardless, this saying can not only be applied to most of life’s situations, but more specifically, to love. “When you know, you know…” How many times have we heard that from a freshly engaged male or female as they smile and try to explain why they’ve popped that magical question or answered yes to it. And you know what? It’s the truth. When you love someone, you know that you love them. If you aren’t sure if you love them or not, guess what “…you still know” (here’s a hint: you probably don’t).

It’s a widely known and accepted belief that love is a tricky concept. How many of us have fallen deeply, madly, completely in love with someone, only to have things fall apart so viciously that we berate ourselves for ever thinking that things would work with such an awful person (it’s never our fault, obviously)? I’m chastising myself as I type this. But what’s to say? We’re human and we make plenty of mistakes. Sometimes love is a mistake. And honestly, that truth hurts more than it should for some reason.

So how do we know when our “knowing” isn’t just another mistake and is the real thing? How do we separate our past mistakes in love and romance from something new and fresh and frightening (in a good way)? I like to believe it’s an inherent sense for us. We’ve been disappointed in our past failures, but something internal pushes us toward another chance. We may have been left wounded from our past love, but that desire for a relationship is rarely quenched. We want love. We need love. Does that mean we’re a glutton for punishment and should be locked up somewhere that has padded walls and super easy board games? Possibly, but I’d rather believe that it’s simply our need for companionship and the willingness to share our life with another that keeps pushing us forward again and again through all the wounds of our past love. Things seem lovelier that way, you know?

Look, it’s all fairly simple if we want it to be: love is a chance, a gamble. Yes, we’ve made foolish mistakes with our heart in the past (cue Journey’s “Foolish Heart”), but that should never keep us from experiencing something new and wonderful with someone else. Because when we know, we know, and when we don’t know and things happen to fall apart, we can still pick ourselves up and give it a try all over again.

Love isn’t always pleasant, but it is usually worth it.

Don’t let those past failures in love hold you back. If you do, you could miss out on that truly amazing feeling of knowing when you know.

And that feeling cannot be rivaled.

You can follow me on Twitter here. Thank you for reading.
My debut novel, “These Were the Nights” will be available everywhere this spring.
A version of this article first appeared on QuarterlifeMan.com. 

How to Get Over Your Ex (Part II)

Earlier this week, I wrote about what it takes to get over your ex after a breakup happens. That particular post covered the situation from the standpoint of the person who ended the relationship. Today, I aim to cover what it takes to get over your stinkin’ ex after they break up with you. It’s not an easy process, but it is possible. I am living (read: jaded) proof.

While the suggestions I’m about to lay before you are similar to the previous section of these writings, the motivation and reasoning behind them are specialized and different. Because the pain of being broken up with is more intense than if we were doing the breaking, it’s important to tailor these suggestions to the circumstances. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t have a wee bit of fun with it, right? RIGHT! Tally ho!

Behold, in all their magnificent glory, I give you the top five ways to get over your ex after they’ve broken up with you.

Let’s dance!

Do…Cut off All Communication
As important as this step was in the previous post, it’s even more vital in this situation.
I get that you’re hurting and that you cared about this person, but if you’re truly wanting to get over them, it’s time to go dark (not like wearing all black or anything ‘cause that’s kinda creepy, but dark in the communicational sense). Do not text or call them; delete their number. Do not tweet at them or “like” their status on the Facebook; unfollow and unfriend them.
You may think this is going overboard, but I’m telling you what works. In fact, I’m pretty sure the old saying, “Out of sight, out of mind” was made up because a dude was trying to get over a girl who broke his heart! (it wasn’t)
This step is even MORE important when the ex tries to contact you. Don’t answer them, don’t participate in their games, do not entertain them. If you’re serious about getting over them and moving on with your life, ignore them and keep doing so. It’s worth it, I promise.

Don’t…Immediately Move on to Someone Else
I wish I could say I’ve always followed this rule, but we learn from our mistakes, right?
It’s natural to want to find the comfort in another suitor soon after having been broken up with, but that’s what we call “self-destructive behavior” (same goes for drinking/medicating away the pain). So…don’t. That rarely—if ever—works out for the best.
Take your time and heal from the rejection that found its way into your life. Immediately moving onto someone else does nothing but delay the grieving that WILL need to take place.
Again, you may feel like I’m being overly dramatic, but just remember that I’m speaking from experience here. I’ve run into the arms of a waiting female after being broken up with and it leads nowhere good in the long run.
If all else fails, just lock yourself in your room and develop a wicked case of body odor. That’ll do the trick.

Do…Be Easy on Yourself, but Also Honest
A big part of being broken up with is examining yourself once the relationship has ended. “Why did they break up with me?” “Was it something I did?” “Was it because of them or because of me?” “Does my breath stink?!” This will happen. I can almost guarantee it. Be honest in your inspections, but during this time of self-examination, it’s important to treat yourself kindly. You aren’t stupid or ugly or annoying (I’m assuming…). That person just wasn’t for you and they realized it before you did (that or she was cheating on you with Derrick the football captain again. What a jerk). So there’s no reason to beat yourself up unnecessarily. Learn from it and move on—just like Gaston did when Belle chose the Beast! (Okay…that was a REALLY bad example. My apologies)

Don’t…Try to Win Them Back
I know what you’re thinking. And don’t. Just…don’t. It seems so easy! “If I can just _____, then he/she will want me back. I know it!” I’m sorry to go all Debbie Downer on you, but they broke up with for a reason. They didn’t want to be with you anymore. So why waste your time pining after someone who obviously doesn’t feel the same way? It didn’t work for Joey and Rachel, so it’s probably not going to work for you (yes, I know Joey and Rachel never broke up because they were never together; but Joey liked her and Rachel didn’t end up feeling the same way. DON’T TEST MY KNOWLEDGE OF “FRIENDS”, I WILL END YOU)
Allow yourself to heal and move on.

Do…Let Your Friends Help You Heal
Speaking of friends…
As I mentioned before, being broken up with hurts, so who better to help you heal from the rejection than the people who know you best? Not only will they do their best to make you laugh and feel less sad (if they’re good friends), but they’ll say mean things about your ex that they’ve always thought, but never said. You’ll get to laugh AND hear what they’ve always really thought of your ex. Really, it’s a win win (minus the whole getting your heart broken thing L)

Use these five steps to help you get over your ex and you’ll be back happy and smiling in no time (probably?)! If not, that’s what you get for taking the advice of a guy who may or may not still debate the merits of Belle vs. Princess Jasmine like they’re real women he has a shot with.

Let’s be honest: you should be following me on Twitter. Do it here. Thanks for reading!

How to Get Over Your Ex (Part I)

I’ve been writing on relationships for a little time now, and I’ve covered a lot of subjects. How to get boyfriend/girlfriend; how to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, and even what women (seem to) want. And before today, I’ve yet to take a shot at addressing what it takes to get over a relationship—or more specifically, an ex. Why? I have no idea.

As I’ve mentioned a time or two (or twenty-seven), I’ve had a relationship or two (or twenty-seven). And because those relationships ended—some cordially, some not—I’ve had to make myself get over the girl I had shared my life with. Some were easy (I’m talking about you, girl with the slight mustache who may or may not have been my first kiss), while others were more difficult (love can suck sometimes). But nevertheless, I have been able to move beyond the feelings I once held for those females. How did I do it? I’m gonna do you a favor and share my secrets, but only because I like you (and I don’t have anything better to do, let’s be honest).

Obviously, it’s easier to get over an ex when you’re the one who’s doing the breaking up and infinitely harder when you’re the one being broken up with. With that in mind, I’ve decided to address both situations with two separate posts (both of these situations have the same steps basically, but for very different reasons). Today, we’ll cover what it takes to get over your ex when you’re the one doing the breaking up. Cool? Cool.

You ready? Let’s ge-ge-get it.

Do…Cut off All Communication
I’m putting this one first because it is the most vital.
If you’re wanting to get over someone, why would you keep in contact with them? That makes no sense. To purge yourself of feelings for someone, you’ve got to cease all means of communication with them. Delete their number, quit following them on Twitter, and unfriend (is that a word?) them on the Facebook. You no talkie to the exie, comprende?
This is especially important if you’re the one who decided to end the relationship. Don’t keep initiating contact with your ex if you don’t want to be in a relationship with them; that’s cruel.
And no, the “we can still be friends, you big idiot!” rule isn’t in play here yet. You both need time to heal. A friendship can come later (maybe) when both of you no longer have feelings for the other. Done and done. Moving on…

Don’t…Immediately Move on to Someone New
This is a mistake a lot of us make (Lord knows I’ve done it enough times, dangit).
Just because one relationship ends and you may be hurting, does not give you license to move immediately on to someone else. Take time to heal and figure out what went wrong in the relationship to make it end. If you can pinpoint the issue, perhaps you can make your next relationship last—and that’s a good thing!
Remember that I’m speaking completely from experience here. Why make the same mistakes I did? I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU HERE!!

Do…Be Honest with Yourself
This step is essential in the healing process.
If the relationship ended because of you, be honest with yourself and figure out what made you unhappy in the relationship. Was it something on their end or was it something that may be wrong with you or your expectations? Like the step above, doing this will go a long way in making your next relationship a healthy one.
Plus, if is WAS their fault, you can tell everyone it was and then you can all laugh behind their back! (I’M KIDDING, YOU JERK! HOW DARE YOU?!)

Don’t…Let Your Friends Talk You into Going Back to the Ex
This has happened…to me (*hangs head in shame*). You know the relationship isn’t a fit or what you’re wanting, and yet, because you two were part of a group of friends, you let everyone talk you into getting back together.
I understand that we all like having friends and being happy and rainbows and puppies and what not, but if we’re in a relationship for someone else, problems WILL be had and things will (most likely) not end very well for anyone involved.
Didn’t you people see Alladin? Jasmine was NOT about to let her daddy or anyone else pick out her husband for her. No way, no how.
You go, girl! Mmhmm…

Do…Be Nice
When a relationship ends, it’s very, very, very, VERY easy to say less-than-sweet things about your ex. Why? Because we want to win the breakup! DUH! (see season 2 of How I Met Your Mother) However, if you’re saying nasty things about a person you just broke up with, how do you think that really makes you look? Not good.
Keep things civil and when someone asked for the juicy tidbit of gossip they’re assuming you have, simply say things didn’t work out and leave it at that. There’s no reason to go all Gossip Girl on an ex; they’re already hurting enough from you putting their heart in the blender!
Plus, if you remain positive in your treatment of your ex, you can keep from becoming bitter about the whole situation and that’s always a good thing!
(I’m assuming that GG reference was right; I’ve never seen an episode. Proudly.)

Apply these five tips diligently and you’ll be over your ex in a proper amount of time. If not, you didn’t do it right and it’s all your fault, not mine (nothing is ever my fault, duh).

(Part II coming Friday. Thanks for reading!)

Follow me on Twitter here.

His Porn vs Your Worth

While it’s no secret that men and women are different, it’s even less of a secret that our species think differently. We approach situations from different analytical angles and come to our separate conclusions from opposite directions. Yes, we’ve all heard it a thousand times before: women are from Venus and men are from under a rock or Mars or something. Regardless of the metaphor, the truth remains that we are, and always will be, different. And if this is eternally true, how do we come to agreements and compromises when facing an issue together, both hoping for a beneficial settlement? What happens when your boyfriend/husband chooses to watch pornography and there’s nothing you can do to stop him? What happens when this choice not only threatens to unravel the very fabric of your relationship, but your feelings of self worth as a woman as well? What happens then?

As men, we’re fairly basic creatures. And as rudimentary as that sounds, it’s true. We’re basic in the needs we feel and the emotions we restrict. It may be tough for us to admit what we’re feeling in a particular moment of dramatics or emotional pain, but regardless of what we say, those feelings are there (we are human after all). We simply choose to compartmentalize these feelings and emotions, placing each one in a neat little cupboard within our subconscious, hoping they’ll simply disappear over time (I’m, of course, speaking in a generalized way. Not all men do this). I think this is the way most men process the “need” to ingest pornography. It isn’t necessarily the lack of physical satisfaction within his romantic relationship that will drive a man to watch or experience porn, but rather a completely separate need segregated away from his feelings of love and commitment to his relationship. Just because a man watches porn doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love his wife/girlfriend. It means that he has a need to witness an act performed that he may crave on an animalistic level. It’s a release for him, but one that houses no trace of love or romanticism. His choosing to watch pornography isn’t a strike against your worth as a woman, but rather an indicator of him compartmentalizing his desire for sexual completion.

A man’s participation in pornography can wear on your worth as a woman. While he’s actively lusting after other women, a woman’s view of herself can be skewed to believe that she isn’t sexy enough or she doesn’t dress the way he likes. It can be difficult to disconnect his pornographic expectations from the expectations he has of you as a girlfriend or wife. You may feel that what he likes to watch or look at is what you need to be; even making you feel cheated on or rejected. This can lead to you trying to compensate for the lack of attention you may be feeling. You may have even let down the standards of purity you’ve set for yourself by dressing in a more sensual way or entirely changing the way you conduct yourself. It’s easy to allow your partner’s smutted fantasy to affect and change who you are, weakening the worth you hold as a woman. Though these feelings of desertion ache, it’s within your own worth that you can find the means to rise above the dire situation.

At its base, porn can be an addiction like any other. If your boyfriend or husband was addicted to a certain substance, you wouldn’t enable him or support him in the procuring of his vice, but rather guiding him to seek professional—even spiritual—help.

Pornography is no different.

Just because a man feels the need to watch or look at pornographic images does not make it necessary for you to bow to that need, changing the way you dress, or behave. You are better than that. You are worth more than that. Yes, he may compartmentalize his lusts so that he watches porn to deal with desire, but that doesn’t mean you have to support him in the act. You have the means to stand up for yourself and demand more out of your relationship and your partner. No woman should have to feel degraded enough so that stooping to lower levels is warranted. A woman deserves more than that, and she should demand to be treated as such.

I realize what I’ve written here is easier said than done, but pornography weakens the fabric of a relationship and inflicts pain. You may feel like less of a woman because your partner chooses to partake in the visual desires of the flesh, but that participation on his part is in no way synonymous with the wonderful worth you hold as a woman. If he only casually partakes, you have a right to demand that he stop. If he is addicted, open the lines of communication and direct him to get help. Through professional counseling and your support, you can overcome this obstacle as a couple. If he refuses to acknowledge a problem or quit using pornography altogether, take a serious look at the relationship and consider the worth it may or may not hold in your life.

As a woman, you deserve a partner who is faithful—in reality and in fantasy. Recognize your worth. You are an equal half of a relationship and more importantly, a whole person who requires faithfulness in every way possible.

You are worth something grand, and that worth is valuable enough to be respected.

You can follow me on Twitter here. Thank you for reading.

Don’t be “That” Guy

This week, I wrote and posted a piece on what not to do so a girl can avoid being “that” girl. The post was fairly well received and we all had a good laugh (except for “that” girl who was deeply offended…probably). But for me to focus solely on women in my harassment writing isn’t quite fair. Therefore, I decided to also write about what makes a fella be “that” guy.

Now, I have to admit that I’m far more versed in this subject, mainly because I may or may not have done one or two of the following mistakes in my less-than-stellar past (I’ll let you guess which…). But to be fair, women have a way of driving us men crazy…at least that’s what I told myself. Really, there’s no excuse for a guy to behave in the ways mentioned here; especially if he’s wanting to attract a young lady and not drive her away.

Okay, enough foreplay; let’s get to it.

I present to you five things that men shouldn’t do so that they’re never considered “that” guy.

Enjoy.

Don’t Get Her Number from Another Source
There is a very simple lesson about women here: if she wants you to have her number so that you can call/text her, she will give it to you. I don’t care if it’s listed on Facebook and/or her friend is willing to provide it to you; if you’re wanting her number, have the courage to risk being rejected and ask her for it yourself.
There’s few things as unnerving as a guy texting a girl, “hey, how r u” when she reeeaaalllyyy doesn’t want him to have her number.
Ask and ye shall receive…if you aren’t completely creepy.

Don’t Text or Call Her 947 Times in a Row
I mentioned this in the post about “that” girl, but the same is true for guys. As a number of readers pointed out on Twitter and the comment section, he/she will respond when and if they want to. You blowing up her phone with multiple calls and texts isn’t going to make her see how “passionate” you are; it’s going to make her see how unstable and “I stuff squirrels on the weekends” you are.
Call or text her ONCE and wait for a reply. If she wants to talk to you, she will.

Don’t “Stalk” Her on the Social Networks
Look, I know you like her and think she’s pretty and she smells good and you want her to have your children, but there’s also something to be said about playing it cool. That means you shouldn’t be “liking” every single one of her pictures, statuses, and comments on Facebook or inserting yourself into her conversations on Twitter.
This will almost certainly make you appear to be desperate…and that is a bad thing.
It’s perfectly acceptable to send her a friend request or follow her (ON TWITTER, NOT IN REAL LIFE, YOU CREEPER!), but try not to go overboard. We want her to see you as an option, not as a possible candidate for a restraining order.

Don’t Show Up Without an Invite
Again, this was mentioned in the other post, but it’s even more important for guys. Why? Let’s put it this way: how many female serial killers can you name? Exactly. It’s a million times easier for men to be seen as a threat than it is for a woman.
So, unless she or a friend of hers explicitly invites you to join them somewhere, don’t make a habit of “bumping into her” places. Not only can this give you the instant “this guy is following me” label, but it can also end with you being served by Seth Rogan’s character from Pineapple with a little piece of paper that makes it illegal for you to be within a mile of her sweet smelling self.
It’s fairly simple: if a girl wants you around, she’ll let that be known. Save yourself some trouble (and legal fees) and wait for the invite.

Don’t Expect More than Your Relationship Dictates
As men, it’s easy for us to get ahead of ourselves. This is especially true in relationships. So if you guys just started talking or seeing each other, don’t expect her to act like you’re married. She had friends and acquaintances before you came along and she shouldn’t have to drop them just because you two happen to be starting things up.
Give her the amount of space the status of your relationship requires. Just “talking” or beginning to date? Then you don’t have the right to ask her to not talk to other people.
Not only will this paint you in a jealous way, but it will show her that you’re the demanding type, and I don’t know too many females who enjoy a man who’s demanding.

Keep these five things in mind and hopefully you won’t ever be considered “that” guy. You don’t want to be “that” guy. Honestly, “that” guy is the worst. And if you are “that” guy, I apologize and hope not to end up in the same shape as your stuffed rodent “army”. But then again, I have always had a fondness for the Rescuers Down Under. Hmm…

Hey you, follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for reading!

The Good Girls

They’re out there…somewhere, wrapped in lovely smiles and beautiful laughter. They’re the reason we walk the streets with hope-filled eyes and longing hearts. They’re the reason we maintain faith in our story’s happy ending. They’re what we ache for and who we strive to impress. They are the good girls and though they grow scarce as the days fall past, they are the hidden treasures worth a thousand Sparrow’s journey.

They are those who pull you close with their goodness while melting you with their shimmering, wonderful light. They’re the ones who hold their beliefs tightly, clinging to them because they realize where their salvation lies. They are those that possess a once broken heart, never trusting readily but when they do, they give you all they have. They’re the mighty ones, small in their rarities yet feverish in their reaches for greatness. They are the humble givers who put us all before themselves while never letting those saintly smiles fall from their softened lips. They’re the goodly ones with hearts of gold and the presence of respected royalty.

They are those who not only deserve our respect, but expect it. They are those that become the best of wives, and mothers, and friends. They are the loyal loving who praise us with their voice while supporting us with their actions, lifting us in reverence and warming us in beautiful grace. They are the Godly ones, blanketed in favor and blessed with a thankful heart. They’re the feistiness that will pepper our days with quick-witted banter and winking slights of flirtation. They are the heart-bursting few, holy in their walk and nurturing in their disposition.

There’s a parade of them to be found and they truly are the home we seek. They hold the key to the happiness we promise ourselves and the satisfaction we crave. They’re waiting patiently for those of us who are worthy to meet their calling, for they are the revered, the wanted. They are the goodly reward bestowed upon the strong in heart and mighty of courage. They’re the good girls, and they are to be sought, loved and respected. They are the good girls and they’re out there, simply waiting to be discovered.

(Note: Find me on Twitter @Cory_Copeland. Thank you for reading. It means the world to me.)

Don’t Send Me Dirty Pictures

Relationships are difficult. Yeah, they can be wonderful and whimsical and lovely but the ones worth the trouble are the ones that can cause the most trouble. We put our heart and soul into wanting this person so they’ll want us back. We bend and stretch and compromise so that our relationship will work (and so that we won’t end up alone, save for our 57 cats). If we’re lucky, our partner does the same. But during these seasons of supposed wanting, we often times find ourselves not feeling as craved after as we would like. It’s in our nature to want to be wanted and the satisfaction that comes along with being desired is an awfully good feeling to have. So when we lack that satisfaction, it’s easy to let our words and actions slip to those places that lack morality. There, in those places, it’s easy for us to become lost.

I can be honest and say that I’ve done it. I’ve sent those text messages that substitute for sex (“sexting” is a silly word and I refuse to use it). I’ve sent the pictures that would cause a Senator to resign. I’ve talked about things an unmarried man should never discuss with the equally single opposite sex. During those times, I simply wanted her to want me. I wanted to be on her mind. I wanted her considering me when she was trying to sleep. I needed to be wanted. But giving in to that buried need not only weakened my Christian stance, it became a backhanded way of disrespecting myself—and the future Mrs. Copeland. And more over, by allowing those same young women to send me suggestive messages and promiscuous photos, I was giving them permission to disrespect themselves while also selling themselves so far short of what they deserved. I was so wrapped up in making sure that I was found attractive and desired that I let myself fall to a place of depravity and shame and took them with me. Those are the types of devious places I strive to avoid during these days of better understanding and painfully gained wisdom.

Whether you consider yourself a Christian or simply a good person with morals, it will never change the fact that if we lower ourselves to talking in sexual ways with a flame or we send compromising photos of ourselves, we are bringing disrespect and faltering standards upon our own selves. Yes, a relationship takes work, and yes, a relationship takes giving of ourselves in ways we never have before, but we deserve better than to relinquish our standards simply to be wanted by another. We owe ourselves more than that. We deserve so much more than that.

And if all that fails to convince you, consider this: when our one true love looks us deep in the eyes and asks us to tell them any and every thing, and that craving desire to bare our soul is felt, how will we explain why we said what we said and showed what we showed to all those before them? I don’t know about you but I’ve already got more than enough explaining to do. From here on out, I’ll respect my self and my lovely bride as I should have been all along.

(Note: I’m on the Twitter @Cory_Copeland. Thank you so very much for reading. It means more than you probably realize)

You’re Where You Need to Be

They say life is a journey—which is funny because it makes me think of the band Journey and Steve Perry’s awesome poof mullet.  That thing was righteous. Regardless, we each have a journey we’re walking, a story we’re living as we progress through each day. Sometimes our journey is a happy one filled with good times and laughter; other times, it’s full of heartache and shame. Whichever is true of your current state, you and I are on a far reaching journey—a journey that doesn’t end until we’ve let our last breath slip from our lips.

If you and I were to sit down and discuss the intimate details of my journey thus far, we’d need several hours. It’d be soaked with tales of deceit and depression, of faltering virtues and a flawed logic. But looking back, and because our precious hindsight is so perfectly clear, I can see each roaming step I took led me, thankfully, to where I am now—happy, fulfilled, content, and following a calling I ignorantly ignored for years. No, the mistakes I made—and there were plenty—aren’t forgotten, but each one, despite my best efforts, led me to something good, something worthwhile. It only took me accepting His will for my life once and for all.

God has a plan for each of us, but He also allows us the freedom of will to make our own decisions and choose which paths we’d like to take. So what happens when the choice we make doesn’t match up to  the plan He’s laid out for us? What happens when we refuse to follow our calling or His ways and we end up off track and lost? Can we ever get back? The answer is actually rather simple. Yes, we can. God tailors His plan based on each step we take so that we are never too far from jumping right back on to the path He’s chosen. And while it’s possible to feel as if we’re a million miles away from anything resembling the will of God, the plan that He so carefully crafted for us is always being altered, always being conditioned so that it’s ever-ready to accompany us should we choose to meet back up with Him.

You may have stepped away from His journey for a minute, or maybe it’s been a long while. But I can truthfully say that you’re right where you need to be. God can use you, help you, restore you right where you stand. It may not seem like it right this moment, but imagine looking back on the spot where you now stand and seeing how it soon led you to something beautiful and full of redemption. You may feel unworthy of the love and grace He has to give, and that’s understandable. But imagine looking back one grace-filled day and saying softly to yourself, “I was right where I needed to be”. Let that be you. Acknowledge where you are and know that you’re right where He needs you to be.

(Note: You can find me on Twitter @Cory_Copeland. Thank you so very much for reading.)

Lost

I have spent my life lost, wandering through barren lands and fruitless fields while holding strong my selfishness and a stubborn stance.
I wept the bitter tears of frustration while fighting the furious fires that plagued me through my running, through my stringent resisting.
I cravingly searched a reckless world for truths that were empty and hardened.
I ignorantly crashed through devious nights, blind and desperate, searching for numbing relief from my own misdeeds and pain.
Through my own mistakes and misled judgments, I have been broken to a beggar’s knee, pleading for a promised mercy and a smiling sweet salvation.
Time and again, I lacked a hero’s courage but rather cowered in shameful defeat before my life’s fight had even begun.
Finally, beaten to defeat and lying upon a hopeful but meager sacrifice of curious, worldly scars and meaningless promises, I relented a lost and dying heart and began swimming to the gracious rhythm of a God who had been patiently waiting all along.
No longer do I search for my own foolish solutions but instead willingly march to the God-beat of a solvent Savior, losing myself in the soft magnitudes of His love. Mesmerized by the sheer depth and width of my God, I can’t help but now wander in Him, lost in His grand yet melodic songs of wonderment and hopefulness.
Stretching beyond my darkened pasts and through my forever futures, my God is beyond the comprehensions and appreciations of my sinner’s soul yet my racing heart searches and happily grasps for all of Him, somehow knowing I am allowed to capture all I need but He will never end.
No longer lost in a blackened world of shallow salvations and needing promises, I have instead become lost in a God that is large enough for my sins and big enough to forgive.
I have, at last, found the honorable path of my days and now infinitely walk in the warmth and longing of the gracious God who couldn’t allow me to wander lost without Him.
Instead, He has allowed me to become lost with Him and through Him. I am eternally lost in Him.

(Note: This is a psalm I wrote in 2010. Hope you enjoyed. You can find me on Twitter @Cory_Copeland. Thank you for reading.)

Know Your Worth

In this space, I’ve made it a point to lay forth my mistakes and pains, my heartaches and disappointments so that others may learn from where I’ve been and hopefully avoid the pitfalls that have befallen me during these 26 years of mine. One such subject is that of self-worth—maintaining a sense of value and importance when the mistakes I’ve made would rather lead me to think otherwise. It’s a daily struggle that I’ve dealt with at treacherous lengths and, to this day, hold close to my heart. I only hope my learned lessons can be of use to you.

Regret is an ugly beast. Do you know what I mean? It gnaws at us and restrains us. We make mistakes, all of us. Sometimes they’re made purely by accident; other times, they are simply our own admitted fault of picking the wrong choice and having to live with the consequences. When these mistakes are made, it’s so easy for us to maintain the regrets that accompany them—to entertain them even. We think on them and worry about them. We stress on the situations and wallow within the faults of our past. The simplicity in which these regrets attack us can confuse us due to the emotions attached and this, in turn, tends to shore us emotionally and most certainly spiritually. As we hold on to our past, placating it and focusing on what we could (or should) have done different, we begin to doubt our own goodness, our own self-worth. It’s in these moments when we are at our most vulnerable. It is within those tiny moments of emotional self-mutilation that we become shells of our former selves.

I can spout pompous clichés all day about how the past is the called “the past” for a reason or how you need to “build a bridge and get over it,” but it wouldn’t do a bit of good. We both know that. When I was at my lowest and wanted nothing more than to crawl beneath the floor and disappear forever, it took dear friends pulling me up, staring hard into my weary, tear stained eyes and telling me with their wonderful mouths of mercy and grace that I was worth something, that I deserved goodness in my life, that I wasn’t too far gone for God to redeem me. I credit them for the fact that I draw breath as I type these words. So today, in this very moment, let me be that dear friend to you.

I don’t care what you’ve done. I don’t care who you’ve lied to. I don’t care who you’ve betrayed or who you’ve hurt. I do not care who you’ve slept with. I don’t care what heinous acts you may have committed in your dastardly past. You are worth the good things you so deeply want. You are so achingly beautiful and today, right now, you are deserving of wonderful, monumental gifts of goodness. I know you may be hurting and I realize you may not feel worthy of the strength needed to mount a forward-marching fight, but I am here to say you are. You are worth something tangible, something lovely. Man or woman, teenager or adult, it matters not. You are what the mesmerizing stories of redemptive measures are built upon. You are worth the air you breathe. You are worth a mighty war. You are worthy of a good, Godly mercy. You, sweet soul, are worth it all.

(Note: You can find me on Twitter @Cory_Copeland. Please feel free to share this with anyone you see fit. Thank you so much for reading and reblogging the way you do. It means the world to me.)

Being Single is Okay, OK?

I’m single. Oh man, am I single. I’m the kind of single where people have pity on you and try to set you up with their equally single friends. And, to be fair, I’ve had an equal share in ending past relationships as well as having them ended for me. Of course no one ever believes you when you tell them a split was your idea. They always give you that suspicious look that says, “Riiiiiight…” I hate that look. Jerks. Regardless, I’m single, and you know what? That’s okay with me. Really.

It used to be that I disliked being single. Actually, I hated it. Not only did I feel like I needed someone I could rely on, but I also felt like I needed someone to rely on me. I felt like I wasn’t complete unless I was the male part of a romantic twosome. When one relationship ended—by my hand or not—I would soon be “talking” with a new young lady, doing the “20 questions” routine and spilling random facts about myself to someone I hoped would see enough in me to warrant a relationship. It was a formidable desire to be with someone, to feel complete in another, that drove me from one relationship to the next. But, as I chased romance, I never seemed to find anything fulfilling, anything lasting, anything that felt given. It was that lack of fulfillment that finally brought me to a place where I questioned the motives of nearly every relationship I’d been in. What was it that I was looking for? And why was I so desperate to find it in a female?

Being single isn’t easy. It’s lonely at times, and even kind of depressing at others. But it can be a good thing. In our singledom (new word!), we’re allowed to grow self-reliant in the things we once faced with a lover tightly clutching our hand. It is by no means a walk in the proverbial park, and there are excruciating growing pains to go through, but in those moments of loneliness, in those moments of seeded exploration, we begin to discover just how self-sustaining we can be. We begin to unearth the real us. We learn things about ourselves that we may have never known before. We find new talents and ambitions that may have otherwise been buried by our decadent union. No, being alone isn’t necessarily fun, but it is OK. Being single, if seen as an opportunity rather than a condition, is something we can learn from.

No one wants to die alone. But at what cost do we shake free from our lonesome burden? Is a manufactured relationship, one we built from our own wants and desires bred from loneliness, worth the confusion and anxiety it could cause? I say no. In my somewhat limited intelligence, being single for a season, so that we can be worked on and molded into something lovely and whole, is wise and responsible. Once we do meet the lucky individual who gets to marry us, wouldn’t we rather be that rounded, emotionally stable, fully evolved person they deserve? Why put our messiness upon their shoulders and rely on them to help fix us? That isn’t their responsibility, no more than it is ours to fix them.

I am single and I’ll continue to be until I feel as though I am where I need to be emotionally and spiritually. I’m happy. I’m content in knowing that I can be fulfilled in God and in my own path without having to desperately cling to another beating heart. In reality, our lives are always about the choices we make. Remaining single is a conscious decision, just as entering into a romantic relationship is. And both of those choices are made easier when we are at our most centered, when we can breathe easy in knowing that, while we may ache for the completion of another, being single is actually OK. Within those somewhat lonely nights full of painful growth, we are being made whole.

You can follow me on Twitter here. Thank you for reading.
Note: I’m happy to say that my relationship has changed for the better since this was first posted. 

Is Dating Dead?

What exactly is “hanging out”? How does one go about accomplishing the act of “hanging” while being “out” with the opposite sex? Do you go to the playground and just hang from the monkey bars? Is there a certain time limit you have to hang for it to be official? These are the questions that haunt me. The reason I ask is because my intern, Kortney, and I were discussing the subject of dating (or the lack thereof) as it concerned today’s generation. After a few minutes of half-hearted debate, we agreed that very few people actually date anymore. They “hangout” or “get coffee”. So that brought me to a perplexing question: is dating dead?

Seemingly, gone are the days when a young man would muster the courage to ask a young lady if she would like to go out on a proper date. Those days seem to be behind us…but why? When did we become so casual and “carefree” that we dismissed the notions of romanticism and proper courting? Does it have to do with the fear of rejection? (“Hey, I didn’t actually ask for a date so her saying no wasn’t actually her turning me down!”) Does it maybe have anything to do with seeming cool and nonchalant? (“So you wanna grab some coffee or whatever?”) Or have we just receded so far from decent decorum that taking someone to a nice restaurant and giving them a bouquet of fresh flowers seems like “too much”? If so, can we at least blame the hippies for its recession? I sure hope so.

You may be reading this and rolling your eyes (and I honestly don’t blame you), but if we’re living in a world without dating or proper courting, then we’re living in a world that lacks the romantic bits that make this life seem so lovely. Guys, if you like the girl, what will it hurt to show her you’ll be treating her properly and with a healthy dose of respect? Not a single thing. Ladies, what will it hurt to expect a young suitor to treat you the way you’d actually like to be treated? Absolutely nothing at all. I understand there’s a reason for taking things slow and that’s where “hanging out” and “getting coffee” come from. You want to take things nice and easy. I get that. It’s the way we are as a society today. But let’s change that. Let’s cut out the laziness and put forth the effort that sweet little crush deserves. What will it hurt? Nada.

So no, dating isn’t quite dead. It still exists somewhere, in some kind of existential form. But as my lovely friend Rynae said, “Dating isn’t dead, but it’s definitely bleeding and lying on the floor…” Let’s revive it, shall we?

(Note: Find me on the Twitter @Cory_Copeland. I appreciate you guys reading. It makes me a happy fella. God bless.)

Through Faith

During my 26 years, I’ve found myself wrought with doubt. I’ve doubted myself. I’ve doubted my intentions. I’ve doubted my gifts. I’ve doubted my religion. I’ve even doubted God. Through my journeys and struggles, it’s been easy for me to fall to the ways of the unsure traveler, wandering aimlessly while wondering what value—if any—I posses. I’ve doubted the existence of any imminent goodness in my own soul while feeling the waves of depression and self-loathing covered me. Within my mistakes and their results, I had discovered a lacking faith—empty of anything resembling holy clarity. These troubles are my past.

Thumbing through the Good Book, Hebrews 11:1 tells us, “…faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Read that again. Now think of how many times we’ve looked within ourselves with tear-stained eyes to find nothing of value, nothing of relative goodness. We struggle against our past and we fight against our long ago mistakes to capture an ounce of faith in ourselves. Often times, finding even that pauper’s share of faith is a testament of will and courage we no longer have.

Faith is a fight, and one that pulls at the heart and bruises the soul. But through the capturing and holding of faith, we find the hope He has for us. Faith in ourselves. Faith in our goodness. Faith in our redemption. Faith in salvation. Eternal faith in God. We may not clearly see the wonderful things we possess, but through the faith He provides, we can believe in the goodness housed in our bones. It may be clouded at first, but that shining faith in self, in love, in Him, is what brightens our days and secures our nights.

I’ve doubted everything in my life. Even today, I doubt that I’ve changed enough to last. It pulls at my naturally depressive state and aches to be acknowledged. But, as of yet, I’ve refused. I have faith in His redemptive powers. I have faith in my own willingness to overcome my broadened, black past. I have faith in myself and what I’m capable of. I have faith in the gifts He’s so graciously given me, and I won’t relinquish my hold anytime in the nearing future.

If faith is a fight, then we are the beaten few who refuse to bow. Through faith, we keep standing. Through faith, we overcome all that we used to be. Through faith—in ourselves, in Him—we can do anything.

(Note: I tweet on the Twitter @Cory_Copeland. Thank you for reading. Sincerely.)

Forever Love

If I’m allowed to close my eyes and sit in quiet peace, I can forge its magic. Deep and wonderful, it’s a feeling that is champion of all—that of the lingering smile and starry-eyed kiss. Bright and beautiful, soft and lovely, whimsical in legend while bursting in truth. It is the night-filled glee and the day-long temperance of forever love—lively of nature, aching in beauty. It is the reason we breathe and the treasure we chase.

New in its fragrance while triumphant in its battles, this love is wrecker of all that we’ve held before. It kidnaps our past and solidifies our future. It is the great eraser of the doubt we lock away, the mighty healer of all the hurt that came before. It is the striking hope for tomorrow and the powerful protector from yesteryear. It is the sun-filled morning and the tossed about night. This love is the great confusion—breaking us upon ourselves, yet bringing forth every desire for which we’ve longed. This love is the Godly bounty of our being.

Oh, how we’ve chased the others and fallen for their fairy-taled tricks. We’ve shattered our hearts upon the falsities of their failure and hoped for one-day-redemption. We’ve promised ourselves “Never again!” stiffening our jaw in determination and locking our eyes elsewhere. But we were left lonely and wanting.

Now, in its blessed rising, we are found truthful and lacking of nothing. Our beautiful redemption has come forth, for this is the love of eternity. This is the love we’ve brought upon ourselves and this is the love we’ve waited for.  This is the love we deserve; this is the love we are worth. This love is a blessing. And this love is forever.

(Note: Find me on Twitter @Cory_Copeland. Thank you for reading. It means the world to me that you do.) 

Hey You…Be You

You wouldn’t have liked me in high school…not even a little bit. I was arrogant and brash and entirely too confident in my own abilities. Compared to now, I walked differently, I talked differently, and I treated people in ways that were less than they deserved. I was nice enough, I suppose, but I wasn’t caring. I wasn’t earnest.  I wasn’t someone you could rely on. But why? Why did I act like that when I was raised better—when I knew better? Honestly, I wish I could blame it on television or wayward beliefs, but that isn’t true. I was simply acting like I thought I was supposed to act. I thought I was behaving as those around me wanted me to behave. That couldn’t have been any less true.

It’s been said a million times, from the radically bodacious Dr. Cornel West to the incomparable Dr. Seuss, that we should be ourselves, that we should be honest and real with ourselves so that we may be happy. But isn’t that a contradiction in and of itself? In one way or another, we are each a product of the environment in which we were raised. We either see the aspects of the environment around us and succumb to them (both good and bad circumstances apply), or we become the polar opposite of what we have witnessed and experienced. So how can we be “ourselves” when each of us is but the solution to our atmosphere’s equation? How do we know what the “real us” is?

I like to think we all know when we’re being fake. We feel our actions, words, or even attitude stray from where they fit, and our skin begins to crawl. I hate that feeling. It’s so uncomfortable. And to me, that’s what being a less-than-authentic version of ourselves is—it’s uncomfortable, it’s tiresome. To be centered, to be true, to be honest is where internal comfort comes from. That’s where an organic sense of happiness and contentment originates.

Looking back, I can see what a tool I was (no, seriously…total jerkface). But since hindsight is crystal clear, I can see that I was such a laughable version of myself because I thought that’s what I needed to be. I was concerned with how I was perceived, yet the result was somehow this brash, loathsome character that emerged and ran amok. Why? I haven’t a clue. Let’s blame it on being an ignorant teenager and leave it alone. It’s embarrassing to even think about.

Today, I like to think I am much more centered than I was way back when. I try not to let the opinions of others sway me or affect my decisions. I say what I feel needs to be said and I write what I feel needs to be written. It isn’t always easy. Sometimes I wonder what readers or other writers think of my prose and if they like it or if they think I’m actually any good at writing. Sometimes I wonder if people actually like me and want to hang out with me or if they’re simply tolerating me. But every time, I find my way back to center and realize I enjoy the way that I write and person I am, and if others don’t, I can’t help that. I can only be me and realization of that is a gradual progression. Becoming comfortable enough in one’s self to be whole and content within our own skin is a crusade, one that takes time and blessed understanding.

In the end, it all breaks down to something very simple. If our friends or romantic partner enjoys the version of us that is a forgery, a falsity, then for them to continue liking us, we’re going to have to keep up that façade. When does that end? It doesn’t. Just the very thought of that whole charade is exhausting. So let’s not be a version of ourselves. Let’s just be the real us—authentic, true, centered, comfortable. That’s the real us. And that’s what we were made to be.

(Note: I’m on Twitter @Cory_Copeland. As always, thank you for reading.)

She’s Worth More

For the sake of pure transparency, you should know that I’m angry as I write this. Yesterday, someone I count as a friend, though we’ve never officially met, wrote on the worth of women and her own experiences in being belittled and emotionally attacked by men. Another person I count as a dear friend responded by saying that she had been, for all intents and purposes, propositioned by a male through an online source as well. The two women in question are both sweet, good, Godly women who deserve so much better than the treatment they received. The thoughts that followed the discussion between we three incensed me for the rest of the day until I couldn’t hold my words back any longer. This is that.

I write this directly to the part of the male population that believes a woman is something to be attained and goes about that attainment by degrading their target with filthy words and pitiful actions. Allow me to be clear: she is not an object. She is not to be owned. She is not to be captured and held as you see fit. She is a lady, regardless of your maligned beliefs of entitlement and possession. She’s worth more than what you attempt to force upon her. You are not to point your despicable language at her in an attempt to rattle her cage or get her to notice you. She isn’t turned on by your chase, nor is she smiling in a dark room at your dirty wordplay. She pities you and prays for your soul. She isn’t infatuated by your feeble attempts at cleverness, but rather disgusted that you would attempt to “woo” a lady of her stature with the words and actions of an undeveloped adolescent who should know better.

You can blame your upbringing and you can even blame your own shortcomings as a man, but the brutal truth is that you’re a coward and live as such. To attack a woman you do not know with words bathed in sexual connotations or degrading mockery is the act of an insecure piece of a man who doesn’t deserve the wonderment, love and warmth a true woman provides. And you may not believe in God or karma or whatever, but I speak rigid truth when I say that what you put in to this world will come back on you a hundred fold. Whether it’s good or bad is up to you.

Men, let’s clean up our act and the act of those who so flippantly disgrace our name. The ladies in our world deserve more than what some of our kind give them. They’re worth more than that. Let’s prove that to them.

(Note: Thank you for reading. You can find me on Twitter @Cory_Copeland)

Scars

The blackened ink sits beneath my skin, ingrained and unmoving, permanent for the rest of my life.
Each marking gleams to me, reminding me of the times in which I felt they were needed and craved upon.
I wear most with shame now, each independent brand standing in tainted tribute to love’s lost and callings claimed.
I look upon them with a sorrowful, watering eye as they remind me of my brutal fights and wearing battles, times of beating myself alone in a cold darkness and begging for peace.
Even with my righted life now blazenly and poetically pointed toward the good and holy times I’ve been absent in, the visible scars of my past shine with unrelenting focus, evidence of where I’ve been but not where I’m going, of who I was but not of who I’ve become, of my dastardly failures but not of my coming victories.
Scarred yet now willfully barren and internally clean, I have relented my days to You, praying for Your ever-lasting peace to wash me new.
No longer the holder of a desperate need to add and hide my battle wounds in plain sight, I proudly and humbly display my inked and bleeding scars for You, announcing the greatness and mercy one may posses when they turn their meaningful scars of yesteryear to You.

(Note: I’m on Twitter @Cory_Copeland. This is a piece I wrote some time back but have reworked and now offer to you today. Hope you enjoy.)

A Guide to Dating and Being Treated Well for Today’s Modern Woman

Believe it or not, I’m asked for dating advice almost on a daily basis. And even more shocking, most of these calls for advice come from young ladies (I know…I’m as shocked as you are). With this in mind, and because my Guide to Treating Women Right for Today’s Modern Male was so well received, I thought I’d type out a guide for today’s modern woman—just a simple little set of guidelines to keep in mind when on the prowl. Now listen closely…

Get to Know Him
As basic of a suggestion as this is, it seems to have been lost somewhere in the annals of time. Often times, a young lady will traipse off on an adventure with a young fella simply because he asked nicely. No, no, no…no. That’s what Lifetime movies are made of.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with thoroughly getting to know a guy before spending quality time with him. This entire dating process needs to be done at pace you’re comfortable with—not a pace he dictates. Guys are notoriously fast movers because we like to get things done. We’re doers. Divide and conquer. All that. It’s our nature. So it’s up to you to be the voice of reason.
And I can hear you now, being all, “But, Cory! He’s REALLY cute and has AMAZING dimples!” and “What if he doesn’t ask again?! COPELAND, I WILL END YOU IF YOU SCREW THIS UP FOR ME!” but I need you to trust me. If a guy is interested in you, in the you that’s on the inside, and not just the “assets” God gave you, then he’ll put in the effort to do things the right way. If not, he’s not worth your time and attention. Brutal, but true, deary.

Make the Rules
This will be a recurring theme throughout this piece but only because it’s that important.
It’s imperative you let the suitor know where you stand on certain issues. No, I’m not talking about Team Edward or Team Jacob (Team Nobody Wins!) or Democrat or Republican (Again, nobody wins); I’m talking about your morals and your standards.
Set him straight from the beginning so that he knows you won’t be taking things past a certain point no matter how long you date and/or how AMAZING those dimples of his are. You’re a lady and you conduct yourself as such. You are to be respected and he is to treat you as such. These rules need to be stated and understood from the onset to avoid any mishaps or feelings being hurt. And hopefully, you’re dating the kind of guy who wouldn’t dream of trying anything or disrespecting you, regardless of situation or understood morals.

Be Appreciative
This is it! The big night is here! Plans have been made and you’re all dolled up. It’s time to date that boy! You’re excited and only a little nervous, but you’ve got this (just don’t forget deodorant).
If he’s smart, he’s going to take you on an actual date and not just waste time with such a lovely young lady by going to “get coffee”. You’re going to a decently nice restaurant with menus, real silverware, cloth napkins…the works. So here’s the thing to remember: say thank you. A guy never feels manlier, never feels more accomplished than when he is thanked by the girl he likes. Be appreciative of where he’s taking you and how much effort he’s put in to the evening. It will seriously make his night if he knows he has done a good job of impressing you. Because, honestly, he’s just as nervous as you are and he’s completely terrified he’s going to screw something up. So ease his mind and say thank you. It’ll make you look even better (like that’s even possible, right?!).
At the end of the first evening, he shouldn’t be trying to kiss you and you shouldn’t be wanting him to. Well okay, wanting him to kiss you is acceptable but don’t let him kiss you on the first date. Just don’t. It sets a precedent that is hard to overcome. You’re worth more effort than a single date and he should know this. Make him wait. Again, if he’s interested in you the right ways, he’ll be perfectly okay with waiting a few dates to plant a wet one on ya. If not, tell him to kick rocks.

“OMG, IT’S BEEN 24 HOURS AND I HAVEN’T HEARD FROM HIM! DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?! I’M GOING TO DIE ALONE! WHERE’S MYCATZ?! I NEED A HUG!”
First, breathe. You haven’t done anything wrong (more than likely?). Guys are just as much inside their heads as you are so if he hasn’t contacted you, then right now he’s thinking, “Should I call/text her? Yes, I should. Should I? No, better wait. Should I wait? No, I’m calling her. Should I…” Why? Because he doesn’t want to bug you. It’s true. He wants you to know he likes you but he’s also over-thinking whether you actually DO like him or not…so he waits. Or he’s just a complete jerkhead, poop face who doesn’t deserve your time so…you know…deuces, pal.
When he does contact you and you’ve calmed your butterflies down to an acceptable level of excitement, let him know that you had a fantastic time and yes, you would like go out again sometime. But let him set the date. Again, he’s the male and he should have to do the work. It may be old fashioned of me but it makes sense. You’re supposed to be wooed and pursued. So let him woo and pursue. Plus, it’ll make the young squire feel all in charge and what not when we both know better *WINK!*

Don’t You Dare Play Games with That Boy
It’s a simple yet vital rule, okay? DO NOT PLAY GAMES! They’re frustrating and they lead absolutely nowhere. You’ll only end up discouraging him and driving him away or emasculating him and who wants a guy without any gumption?
From the beginning, and as your relationship progresses, be open and honest with him. You don’t have to spill your heart and all of your deepest darkest secrets on the first date, but be transparent. Don’t make him guess how you’re feeling or what kind of mood you’re in. We hate that. Being forthright and informative will keep lines of communication open between you and your boy and will help you guys avoid those pitiful little fights we’ve all been in. And that’s the name of the game, sweetheart.

YOU ARE TO BE RESPECTED
No matter how far the relationship progresses, one thing must remain a constant—you are to be respected at all times. I cannot tell you how important this is. You are a woman and you are God’s gift to man to cure his lonely heart. You are not to be owned or controlled. Men are not allowed to talk down to you or demean you in anyway. He is not to put his hands on you in ways that make you uncomfortable. He is to respect you and the morals you hold dear. I need for you to understand this. Sadly, most men will do whatever you let them. The solution is simple: do not let them.
You don’t need to say ‘yes’ to be liked or to be accepted. You are your own woman and you should be respected and treated as such. If the boy you’re seeing turns out to be an opportunist, then you need to send him packing. If he can’t respect the limits that you have placed on your self and the relationship, then you need to say goodbye and never give him the time of day again. You are worth more than a downtrodden word or a vicious grab of the arm. You are worth more than anything he may try to force upon you. Demand the respect you deserve and I promise you that it will be afforded to you.

(Note: You can follow me on Twitter here. Thank you so very much for reading. Please feel free to comment here or email me at Cory@MadtoLove.com. Thanks!)

Forever is For Ever

As some of you may know, I am divorced. I was married extremely young and foolish, and though the pain and regret of a failed marriage is something you learn to adapt to, I can look back and see that I was blessed to be given many things despite the demise of my union. Naturally, my daughter is the most important of these gifts, but also important are the lessons learned that I hold close to my heart now. Within these aching lessons is the appreciation of “forever” and the attained reverence of just how long for ever is. And though I learned this lesson too late to save a marriage that should have never been attempted in the first place, its truth now rests deep in my soul.

If you’d like, I can spit statistics at you on how marriage is a dying institution and no one seems to take it seriously anymore—but we both know it wouldn’t do a bit of good. It isn’t the fault of our culture or the fault of our generation. It isn’t the fault of our churches, and it isn’t the fault of our parents. The fact that marriages don’t seem to last like they used to is tangible and something to be revered, because it is truth. The truth is that these days, we are more likely to be separated and divorced than we are to stay together. But why is that? What root cause is bleeding our marriages to the point of extinction? And how can we stop it?

Mostly, I write this to those who are in serious relationships and are considering marriage or one day want to be married. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not here to rail against marriage and all that it stands for. Marriage is a beautifully holy thing that should be respected and entered in to with many hours of prayer and consideration. So yes, I support and honor the sanctity of marriage, but only if both parties understand that they are giving themselves to one another for the rest of eternity. Often times, the gravity of this situation is not so easily grasped by those involved. Today, an attitude of “let’s take it for a spin and if it doesn’t work out, we can go our separate ways” seems to have become the norm. No, sweet souls…no. I made that mistake and I’ve paid the cost of that whimsical thinking. It doesn’t end well for anyone involved. Understanding that “’til death do we part” is exactly what it says, and committing to that idea, is a forthright act that should be revered and entered in to with the gravity of all life-changing decisions—because it is just that. We are committing to sharing every intimate detail and experience of our life with this other person. That decision cannot be a flippant one. The weighted responsibility of such a choice is what should keep us grounded in respectful admiration.

Divorce is a painful thing. My ex-wife and I can both tell you that and, although she has found her prince charming and now lives a happily married life, those scars of failure and pain are not always so easily hidden. They take time, and they take explanations of whom, how and why. Those aren’t easy conversations to have, nor are they easily bypassed and tossed away. They take patience and understanding, for they are brutally honest and heavily weighed in truth.

So no, I’m not against marriage, but I do hate divorce. If you’re considering taking that lovely plunge someday, please take the time to pray about it and consider what a life-altering decision it is. It takes a brave soul to admit when they’re wrong or when they’ve made a mistake, but it takes a truly righteous maturity to know and understand that forever is indeed, forever.

(Note: You can follow me on Twitter @Cory_Copeland. Thank you for reading. It honestly means the world to me.)

Flirt to Convert?

Have you ever had one of those relationships that was just…difficult? One of those pacts where, no matter what you did or how hard you tried, a fight was always started and all hell broke loose for a good while? We probably all have (If not, you’re a blessed little unicorn and the rest of us hate you). But if you think about it, a relationship between two people—one that works anyway—is a balancing act for the ages. Not only do you have to meet this person when you’re both available (don’t be cheating, you harlots!), but you both have to find the other somewhat attractive AND find some similarities of taste in things like music, movies, food, and which Jonas brother you like the best (Team Nick, y’all). So to create a relationship from nothing but the chance meeting of two random souls is something that cannot and should not be discounted. Finding that person who seems to fit you so perfectly is a wonderful thing—a thing that can set your spirit free while taking the breath right from your chest.

But do you know which realization is one of the worst? We finally find this lovely partner in crime who fits us just right only to realize—oh, no!—they don’t share our beliefs. Ain’t that just a kick in the head (Shout out to Dean Martin)? They are absolutely PERFECT for us and we have so much fun together, but either they’re of a different religious sect, or they just aren’t a Christian at all. And, right from the start, we’re behind the danged 8 ball. So what do we do? If you’re anything like me, you’ve tried the ol’ “Flirt to Convert” campaign where you go ahead and date them while hoping against hope that you can convert them to your ways of belief and faith. In my experience, it rarely works, and feelings end up getting hurt, which just leads to more fights, which, in turn, leads to more things being thrown, which just leads to me having a knot on my head.

In all honesty, relationships—those righteously wonderful ones that awaken the soul, those that last—are hard work all by themselves. So if we choose to add the stress of differing opinions on things such as God, salvation and eternity, things that actually matter, then that has the increased chance of causing fractures in our union. I am in no way saying two people with different beliefs can’t last. They can. I’ve seen it, and, though it can be filled with tension at times, it’s a beautiful thing. My point is this: dating is the process of finding a mate, yes? So if we’re searching for a partner to spend the rest of our lives with and we already have all of these other things we have to line up just so, what sense does it make to add the additional stress of religious discord? Not very much. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Christian or an Agnostic or even an Atheist, when you’re constantly arguing and battling someone over what you believe versus what they believe, it will wear on both of you alike, and that, in turn, weakens the relationship.

This can very easily be read as a “Stick to your own kind!” type of message but if you’ve read anything I’ve written, you know that isn’t my way. The acceptance and love of others is what makes this world turn. Yes, you can date outside of your own belief, and yes, it can last forever… but it won’t be easy. If you’re currently in a relationship of differing beliefs or are considering entering in to such a union, just pray about it. God will never steer you wrong and He may even have you in that person’s life to deliver salvation. Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past Him. And though He reveals truth to us for a specific purpose, making our strained relationship last beyond its expiration date may not be it. It’s up to us to pursue the opposite sex with responsibility and maturity. Choosing a like-minded someone in the first place is a step in that right direction.

(Note: Follow me on Twitter @Cory_Copeland. Thank you so very much for reading. It means everything to me.)

He’s Worth More

Recently, I’ve felt a burden for the worth of women and what they face on a daily basis. I feel my writing has reflected that heart-felt seed of purpose as of late and that fact makes me happy—but what of the men? There are good guys out there who may not believe in their own self worth and may be in need of encouragement. Ideally, this is that.

Throughout our day, each of us of the male persuasion is bombarded with what it means to be a “man”. Bits of advice on how we are to dress, how we are to smell, even how we are to behave are all tossed upon us in unsolicited opinions from a world that treasures conquest and satisfaction over purity and salvation—but we are worth more. We are worth more than the stereotypes that attempt to restrict us because we choose the morally sound decisions and righteous suppression of our hottest desires. We are worth more than a leering, disrespectful glance at a young lady’s backside or an elongated stare at her exposed form. We are better than the braggadocios praise of sexual crusades that leave nothing but emptiness and aching in their wake. We are worth more than the mistreatment of the fairer sex and bruising words against their demeanor. We are worth more than the regrets that once filled our night, but rather fully deserving of the coming blessings our actions will produce. In these blessed days, we are worth more than we’re allowed to believe.

Our worth has been weakened by the disappointments of our rebel kind, fragile in fervor, cheap in respect. They have fallen to the likes of beggars and thieves, refusing to be responsible for what they have created or what they should hold responsible. But we, my brothers, are worthy of a turning tide. We are worth more than those who’ve come before us and disappointed the masses. We are better than the value a broken universe estimates. We hold a higher value than our past would dictate. We are worthy of the respect we deserve—a returned favor for the respect we have bestowed. We, the strong and able, mighty and fervent, are worth more than the future that would lie before us. We are worthy of all we crave and all we choose to love. We are eternally worthy of the kindred forever we crave. We, even in our lonely and broken pieces, are worth more.

(Thank you for reading. You can follow me on Twitter @Cory_Copeland.)

Hidden Sin & Patronized Grace

I am a sinner who sins…a lot. And not only in the accidental, “Oh my goodness, I can’t believe I let that curse words slip out” kind of sin, but in the committing of sins where I know what I’m doing is wrong and do it anyway because I know I can ask for God’s forgiveness later. How crooked is that? I completely and 100% take full advantage of the never-ending grace and forgiveness that God provides. And it shames me.

We’ve heard it said that sin is sin. Big or small, accidental or on purpose, evil or less so, all sin is equal. But to be honest, I think we qualify sin based on our position within the Christian condition. We find ourselves feeling better about our mistakes because we know a God Who will gladly grant mercy and grace to us simply because we asked. On the flip side, we sometimes have a tendency to look down on the unsaved and their revelry because they possess no remission for their acts of decadence. They feel no guilt or admonishment for their acts, so they simply move past them while we sit and judge in wide-eyed wonder. But what of sin’s equality? The sin I commit, whether if it’s out in the open like the unsaved masses or done behind my closed door, it isn’t more malicious because it’s a Christian doing the sinning—nor is it less of a sin because I plan on asking for forgiveness as soon as I put on my jammies and crawl in to bed. Whether it is committed with knowledge and recognized will or it is merely an accidental slip up, my Christian sin is equal to that of the unsaved heretic.

Yet, as we commit these sins (and we do so daily), there seems to be a security blanket surrounding our conscious and alleviating our doomed regret—that warm blanket is our salvation. I can’t speak for you, but I can say with all honesty that I abuse His grace was fervency, choosing to seek my own satisfaction and contentment above living a pure and holy life. In all, I am guilty of patronizing the grace He affords me because I mock it with my willful sin, yet come crawling back with a humble bow, asking once again for forgiveness and redemption. For that, I am wrong.

Our God is one of never-ceasing grace, always willing to forgive us and welcome us back. But shouldn’t we be trying to be better? I can be. I should be. I need to be. I’m weak and selfish, so I give in to the temptations that haunt me, knowing full well He’ll welcome me back when I’ve gotten my fill. It’s despicable. Though His forgiveness is replenishing and forever available, each of us must be willing to learn from our mistakes and succumb to the good and holy ways of our Father. Doing so will move us forward in our walk with Him and allow us to be the example He wishes us to be. Otherwise, we are stuck in a singular place, always walking away before crawling back again and again, cursed redundancy plaguing our journey in Him. We can strive to be better. It takes turning away from the things that bring us down, while willfully accepting that grace is a gift and not a right. Within this decision, we can be the Christians He has always called us to be.

(Note: You can follow me on Twitter here. My sincerest thanks for reading today. It truly means the world to me.)

You Are Beautiful

How many ways are there to tell someone they’re easy on the eyes?

“You’re pretty”
“You make my heart skip a beat”
“HOLYCRAPYOURESOFREAKINGHOT!!”

I’d bet there are a million…at least. And if there are a million ways to tell someone they are good lookin’, then it only makes sense that there are (at least) a million ways in which to be beautiful. If that is indeed the case, why do so many souls lack the desire to witness their own internal and eternal beauty?

It’s said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. While simple—yet poetic—this phrase is the basic reason a person should love and feel good about themselves. Beauty is relative to that which we are beholden to so that if, as Christians, we believe we were created by God as an image pleasing to Him, He must find us beautiful, true? If so, then each of us, whether pleasant to look at from the outside or internally beautiful or even possessor of both qualities, is uniquely and purposefully beautiful to the One who breathed sweet breath in to our lungs. And considering we each are constant subjects to self-doubt, jealousy, and backwards thinking when considering the beauty of another, it makes little to no sense to rest our self-confidence in the wayward opinions of the human kind. So if a person finds reason to call us ugly and do so with a malice tongue, then they are not worthy of the worry we allot them.

Allow me to take things a step further in case you don’t consider yourself a Christian: The fact that you’re breathing as you’re reading this proves that you house value within the human life you possess. As a human life, your value proves your worth in the very essence of its definition. Your beauty comes from the worth you have held within your soul your whole life. I don’t care what you’ve been told or how severely you’ve been put down before. Put that away now. You are beautiful and that is because you are worth something. Your worth is in the breath you breathe and in the beauty you place in this world. Internal or external, shining or hidden, you inherently posses the beauty you wish to have. It’s there. It just needs to be recognized and acknowledge. You are beautiful. I see it. Won’t you?

(Note: You can follow me on Twitter here. Thank you so very much for reading. It means more than you realize.)

My Depression

The feeling of conviction is a brutal event. Your heart is weighed heavy and your mind searches for qualifications and reasoning—but brutal it remains.  This is the feeling that swept over me today, when I read the beginnings of a post from a friend of mine. She deals with depression and put forth a question as to why, as Christians, we are hesitant to discuss (and especially write about) depression. My heart was pricked as I thought back over the last 13 years of my life and the struggles I’ve faced against the multi-headed monster that is the black demon of depression. As my pulse pounded in my ears, I wondered why I’d never had the courage to present my own story for others to read and hopefully learn from. There, in that silent moment of conviction, I decided now was a better time than any. Forthwith, this is that.

Depression is explained simply as a chemical imbalance within the human brain. But, in my experience, depression takes upon many forms and possesses many reasons for showing itself. Ever since I was 13 years of age, I’ve been burdened with an inherent sadness that seeps deep within my heart and leaves me close to tears more often than not. It weighs heavy in my heart and causes an aching for a peace that may never come. There isn’t a particular or tangible reason I suffer from this affliction. I had a beautiful childhood and adolescence, filled with a loving and laughing family who cared for me and provided for me to the best of their abilities. I wasn’t bullied, nor was I left alone or ignored. I had friends and was active in sports, doing all the things a “normal” functioning teen would do to lead a fulfilled life. But perpetually, it all meant so little compared to this heavy weight I carried in my chest almost constantly.

Solitude called to me as I spent hours alone in dark rooms (using reading as an excuse), simply wanting to be left alone so I wouldn’t have to offer explanations of what was wrong. I was conflicted because being alone magnified my wretched feelings of absurd assumptions, which in turn haunted me with suicidal thoughts and plans, but being alone was the only way I felt safe somehow. Going to church or to school, or even out in public at all, meant putting on a brave face and a shining smile—something I hated doing because I felt like such a fraud. It was tiring.

As I grew became older and my life’s circumstances worsened, the depression and harmful thoughts intensified, even to the point that I put a loaded gun in my mouth one particularly dark, tear-filled night. I didn’t have the fortitude to pull that trigger and I thank God for that. I was a mess emotionally, spending days without moving from my bedroom floor or even eating. I ached so deep with sadness and craved relief. Pain killers, premarital sex and riotous living were all means to weaken the weight I carried, but they didn’t work. Finally, with my back against a bitter wall, I made the only move a desperate man should make—I turned to God. He was the relief I had sought, and though I haven’t been healed of my depression completely, things are better than they were.

These days, while I’m much better about being in public or in front of a jovial crowd of friends, there are still too many days and weeks where I want nothing more than to lie in my pitch-black apartment, wishing to simply disappear from this world. And though I put away thoughts of ending my life some time ago, that sadness is almost always there, aching inside me, pulling me toward the blackness that I have fought against for so long. It’s a daily battle, and one I haven’t always emerged victorious from, but it’s a battle that has to be fought to survive—for me anyway.

If I’m honest –and I feel I have been thus far—I’d hang my head and admit that I’ve never sought professional help for my depression (very few of my own family even suspect I suffer from it—until now, I suppose). I pray about it and ask God for His will in my life, but I’ve never sought out the help of a therapist or psychologist. As silly as it may seem, my mind works in a way that is beneficial to my writing when I am depressed. When I’m suffering from this cursed sadness, I feel that my writing is better and more concise. I can’t explain it, nor do I want to try. Yet, I’m afraid that if I sought the help of a therapist, they’d recommend prescription medication that could dampen my mind and affect my writing—my livelihood—in ways that I am not ready or willing to accept. Daily, I choose the ability to write well over the possibility of a modified happiness. It may seem foolish, but it’s a choice I’ve made and I’m content with it. Though, I can’t say my decision won’t change in the future.

It may seem strange for me to lay such intimate details out for the world to see, but I’m writing this because I know I am not alone in my feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts. There are many others who suffer right along with me—today more than ever. If you’re reading this and feel as though you’re reading a mirrored image of your own life, I humbly ask that you consider seeking help. I understand that I may seem hypocritical for offering such advice considering the disrespect I show toward my own condition, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t encourage a fellow sufferer to find someone to talk to. Find a pastor, a youth leader, a mom, a dad, a friend…anyone. If you aren’t comfortable with those options, then email me at Cory.Copeland@gmail.com. At the very least, I’ll be more than happy to listen and offer my support in any way I can. If you decide you’d like to find counseling, we can figure that out together, too. Depression isn’t a secret to be held unto yourself. Yes, it can be a debilitating, even deadly, disease, but it doesn’t have to rule every facet of your life. Things may seem bleak and desperate now, but help is available. All we have to do is choose to ask.

 (Note: You can follow me on Twitter @Cory_Copeland. Thank you each for reading and supporting my writing. It really does mean the absolute world to me.)

Ode to Women

With society’s mindset of “me, me, me” it’s necessary to give credit and praise where it is due. This process can come in many forms. It can be telling someone you appreciate what they do or what they create; it can be promoting someone by bragging on them to your friends and family; it can even be something as simple as refusing to plagiarize from someone by citing them when reposting their work on your own blog or profile. Receiving the credit you deserve makes you feel good and appreciated. It’s a precious form of validation and one that is usually welcomed. With that being said, I believe one particular form of our species rarely gets the credit and accolades they have earned. They are the fairer of our sexes, and, as women, deserve the praise and recognition that seems to be rather fleeting these days.

If you know even one thing about women, then you can understand how they are the Godly gift. Their beauty has been worshiped for centuries, and the bounds of their intellect stretch out for an eternity. They are the fierce yet under-appreciated purveyor of goodness and blessings, caring deeply for the souls of man and the salvation of all. They are the sweetness of life and the flirtation of night. They are the binding that holds us together and the righteous half of our called upon union. They are the shining light by which we are led to redemption, and though some find themselves fleeing those who would take decadent advantage of their heart, they walk on—smiling and ever-ready to bless the wandering.

Creatively, they are the precedent we seek with their minds bent to the development and creation of beautiful movements and wondrous monuments. Once perpetually overlooked and degradingly downtrodden, they have pushed their way to acceptance and equality, proving a fight fought with determination and force of will overshadows that of guns and bombs. They are the mighty force behind all worldly greatness, inspiring and cajoling the men who were blessed to have them. Laughing at the good times and crying in to the bad, the wonderful women of today move with the confidence of those before them and bless with the temperance of those that will come after them.

Simply put: it’s the women’s world to have—they’re just kind enough to let us live here.

(Note: You can follow me on Twitter @Cory_Copeland. And thanks for reading!)      

The Great Confusion

I miss being loved. Even more, I miss loving another. But it’s more than the missing of soft smiles, shared laughs and tender kisses that causes a small prick in my heart—it’s more the feeling of wholesome completion in another that causes my soul to long. And because it’s been a long while since I felt honest-to-goodness in love with another being, I feel as though I should be rewarded for my patience. The Power that controls such things feels differently, I suppose.

What exactly is it about love that makes us so feel so incredible? Is it the actual feeling of love itself, or is it the acceptance of a like-minded lover, an equal, that makes us feel as though we can hurdle the stars and wrestle the moon? Perhaps it is both. And as much as I miss and crave the actuality of love in my life, there are things I couldn’t miss less than the worrisome mess that is love. I don’t miss the over-thinking and the tip toeing around feelings. I don’t miss the misunderstandings and arguments that come only when you are known completely, inside and out, by another. I don’t miss the confusion that came from our lack of communication, nor do I miss the feeling of fright that came from wondering if I was where I needed to be. Was she the one? Was I the one for her? Was there more? Was I confusing infatuation for love—or vice versa—again? I don’t miss the questions and the nonexistent answers. In fact, I take it back; I don’t miss love, that great confusion of our hearts and bully of our brains. I just may be okay without it.

You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to deduce just how rocky my past relationships have been. I have loved exactly one woman in my life. And I don’t mean a family type of love or the deep burning, “fight anything, conquer the world” type of love that I feel for my daughter. I’m talking about the kind of love that warms your heart and makes your palms sweat. I’m talking of the love that stutters your words and lights your ears on fire while making you feel unfettered yet held so close, all at once. Yet, today, now, as I type this, I doubt that what I felt for her was actually love. If it was true love, shouldn’t it have lasted? If it was the perfect love we search our whole lives for, shouldn’t we have wanted to make it work instead of bowing to the circumstances and situations of our past that made it nearly impossible to be around each other? I wish I had the answers. Love: THE GREAT CONFUSION.

I pray that I love again some day. I feel like I deserve to have my questions answered. True love will do just that one day, I presume. I want that. To be accepted for whom we are while being deemed worthy of another’s love is the greatest measure we can hope for as a part of the human condition. It’s what we crave, whether consciously or subconsciously, acknowledged or ignored. To be loved completely and without condition or compromise—this, in my times of reflection and longing, is my most desperate of wishes.

(Note: My Twitter handle is @Cory_Copeland. Follow away. Thank you so very much for reading. It means more to me than you realize.)

Accepting Grace

Forgiveness and pride. These two intangibles seem to go hand in hand, don’t they? When we’re asking for forgiveness, we have to put aside our pride and admit we were wrong or made a mistake. Even more difficult is when we’ve been wronged and it’s up to us to once again set our pride to the side and extend forgiveness to someone who has caused us some form of pain. It isn’t an easy thing to do by any means but, as Christians, we are commanded to provide as much grace as the Father has given it unto us. That’s not a small amount. So forgive we must.

Have you ever noticed that our willingness to forgive, to give grace, is sometimes dependent on the person who is asking for it in the first place? If it’s someone we have a history with or don’t particularly like, it’s harder to find that grace in our hearts than if it were someone we love and have a wonderful, compatible past with. It’s often the humanism we inherently possess that wants us to harbor those feelings of resentment and even hate. But again, as Christians, we are the ones who are called to love, becoming better than our flesh would allow us to be. But what happens when the person we must forgive is our own self?

In reality, forgiving ourselves isn’t always an easy thing to do. While we know we’ve offered our humblest apologies, and we have been forgiven by God and the person we’ve wronged, the grace we’ve been afforded often feels like it’s too good for our sinner’s heart. We struggle with past mistakes and dwell on the wrong things we’ve done, trying again and again to garner penance when grace and acceptance are readily available all along. It’s the forgiving of our own selves and the willingness to accept grace unto ourselves that can cause the most hesitation.

The fact is: we’re humans. We were born in to a sinful nature; it is in the very fabric of our DNA to sin. But we have a Creator who understands this and gave Himself as a willing sacrifice so that we may be forgiven when we do commit our unavoidable sins. It’s rather wonderful if we pause to consider it. He created us as sinners so that we may rely on His forgiveness and grace to gain redemption and salvation. Honestly, I can’t imagine a more loving or fulfilling relationship. And it’s in that relationship where we can finally understand that, while we will sin, if we repent unto God—as well as the person we’ve treated wrongly—there’s no need for us to focus on those sins and allow them to drown us with regret and guilt. Grace is always available to us; we simply must learn how to accept it.

(Note: Find me on Twitter @Cory_Copeland. As always, thank you so much for taking the time to read “Mad to Love”; it means the world to me that you do.)

Your Redemption Awaits (by Heather Summers)

I’ve been broken my entire life. It wasn’t until recently that I realized I could be healed from the brokenness, that I didn’t have to try to cover it by taking advantage of all the world has to offer.

Two years ago, I was in a relationship with a great guy. I was in college and, honestly, was living my life with no regard for anyone. I partied a lot in prior years, but at this point I was maturing and I didn’t feel the need for that.

Then my life was shattered.

Two years ago in October, I awoke to find myself in an unfamiliar house and with two men I did not know. Back track a few hours before: I was at a bar with two friends (a girl and a guy). The girl left early around 7. The guy was very drunk and he disappeared in anger for some reason or another. The bar was on the water and him being inebriated, I was afraid he may fall in and not be able to swim, so I left my drink at the bar to go find him. I eventually found him, and a few minutes later he left. I went back to the bar to finish my drink so I could leave as well. I know what you’re thinking, “Never leave your drink.” I did, and it was one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. I drank that one beer, and that’s all I remember.

I woke up completely exposed, soaking wet in a shower with my clothes beside me. I stood up to put my clothes on, and a man in the house saw me. I ran out of the house as another man chased me, threatening to kill me. He banged on my car window yelling as I sped away.

I cannot remember driving home. I woke up the next morning experiencing pain I had never experienced before in places I had never experienced pain before. I had bruises and scratches all over my body. I tried putting the puzzle pieces of the night back together in my mind, but I had no memory between 8 pm and sometime in the middle of the night. This frustrated me to no end for a few weeks. So, to block it out of my mind, I began to drink.

For the next few months, I drank heavily. I didn’t want to think about that night because I felt ashamed. I felt like if anyone knew about what occurred, they would label me as a whore. I felt like if I told my boyfriend, he would think I had been unfaithful to him. So I drank, and didn’t tell anyone about that night in October.

Three months later, I was at my gym, which happened to be at a church. I wasn’t pursuing God at all at this point in my life and I definitely was not attending church. As I was walking into the gym, a guy asked me if I would come to a young adults’ group that was meeting that night. I didn’t want to, but for some reason I went. My normal self, let alone the person I had been for the past few months, would have never agreed to go to church. Yet, I showed up that night even though I had no idea what to expect. I saw people my age worshipping God and talking about how in love they were with Him. I had never put much thought into a relationship with God, but in that moment, seeing people on their knees crying out to God, I wanted it; I wanted to know how it felt to be in love with God.

Not long after, my nights were filled with worshipping God instead of being filled with alcohol. I was starting to live for more than me; I was beginning to be healed of my brokenness.

It’s been two years this month since I found myself in a house alone, naked with two untrustworthy men. I have never spoken about it to anyone. I’ve blocked it out of my mind so that I wouldn’t have to deal with it, but silence tends to build more trouble. The pain of dealing with abuse and rape doesn’t go away, because I try to act like it never happened. The pain and heartache builds up until it’s impossible to keep in. That’s where I am now. I’m at a place where I can’t keep this in the deepest part of my soul anymore. I wanted to hide it, but my story needs to be heard so that I can be set free, and hopefully someone that is reading will have the courage to be set free, as well.

I didn’t write this to only speak to women who have experienced pain such as this. It strikes a deeper note that resonates in the heart of humanity. Every one of us has pain; every one of us is broken; everything is in a state of decay. It doesn’t take much to prove the reality of evil. It has existed since the garden of Eden, when pride drove our world into a cursed sinful state and we were separated from our loving God. He never wanted us to feel pain or experience tragedy, to the point that He sent His own Son to die on a cross and exhaust God’s holy wrath against sin, bridging the gap so we can all be brought back to perfect unity with Him. Christ has become the “second Adam”, the new head of humanity, my redemption. Now I am free, I am clean, I am His daughter. And though you may feel that your pain and relative brokenness keeps you apart from a glorious reunion in Him, He’s simply waiting on you to make that first step. I did it, and so can you. Healing and redemption await you. Just take that first step of faith and begin to feel whole again.

(Note: You can find more of Heather’s writing on her blog www.HSSummers.blogspot.com. You can also follow her on Twitter @HSS88. Thanks for reading, guys!)

Walk On

I feel as though my life has settled down considerably these last few months. Rarely do I find myself inebriated with the wildness and unpredictability that seemed to be my staple only a few years ago. Maybe this is all the result of my aging and graying. Perhaps it’s the product of my becoming responsible and holding down a good job for the first time in years. Even more, maybe it’s due to the fact that, for the first time, I’m addressing and fulfilling my given calling by writing as I should have been all along. In the back of my racing mind, I like to think my life is calm and pleasant as a reward for my unwillingness to give in or let up. I chose to keep fighting against my own ill-created odds and, as of now, I am being blessed because I chose to walk on.

It’s easy to become discouraged, isn’t it? We feel a calling or a destiny, and we set out on that road to accomplish and fulfill that dream, but when things don’t go as we feel they should, we become discouraged. And that’s okay. Really. We’re human. Disappointment is an everyday part of life. Some of us have learned to live with it and adapt, while others feel the need to allow their world to be shaken to its core. When the disappointment and discouragement become too much, we sometimes lay down our weapons and surrender. It’s simple, and there is little fanfare involved—but we often end up regretting such cowardice. Instead, we must walk on.

Each of us has a purpose, a path to conquer. You have yours and I have mine. I chose to press on through rough times and despicable circumstances until I found a place where I was content in what I do and how I’m able to help others. With that in mind, I’d like to offer you the encouragement you may need to walk on.

You may be down and you may be discouraged, but you were given your gifts—your “weapons”—for a reason, and they are to be used for a specific purpose. Things may not be looking up at this moment, and you may feel as though success and contentment will never be yours, but I ask that you read these words and softly accept them in to your heart. You are doing as you should. If you’ll stay the course and refuse to yield, you will break through, fulfilling the dreams and destinies you’ve desired. You can do it. You possess the strength and the fortified will to overcome these worrisome times. The valley in which you walk may be steep, but I ask that you fight on through to a better tomorrow. I ask that you choose to stiffen your chin and press through these jungles of discord. Simply, I ask that you walk on.

(Note: You can follow me on Twitter here. As always, thank you for reading.)

Is Your Relationship Enough?

As some of you may know, I created and maintain a website called ToMyFutureSpouse.com. It’s a place where people can post anonymous love notes to their future husband or wife. I started the site last year, after I’d done a few status updates dedicated to my future wife and it seemed to catch on. But, considering I’m divorced, perhaps I should’ve called it To My Future Second Wife. Somehow, I don’t think it would’ve caught on as well. Regardless, it’s an exercise in admitting what you want out of a spouse once that day comes. Some readers demand things, while others tell of things they’ll do for their spouse. It’s a relative experiment based solely on the person experiencing the longing for their one-day spouse. And while it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, I can’t help but notice the dissatisfaction that seeps out of some entries. It’s as if they’ve been through relationship hell and want whatever the exact opposite of their past relationships is. But what is enough?

I have a dear friend who seems to fight with his girlfriend quite often. They’ve been together for a long number of years, but, every so often, it seems like he’s had enough and is about to give up—before they eventually “work it out” until the next scuffle. I was feeling particularly brave one evening and asked him straight up why he was still in the relationship. I asked him if he was happy with his longtime lover. He hesitated for a long while. Then, slowly, he seemed to relent to the idea that what they had may not be ideal, but it was comfortable. They had been together so long that they had grown accustomed to their somewhat tumultuous relationship. I asked him if that was enough. I asked him if that’s where he thought he should be. He didn’t know—and that made me sad for him.

I think most of us have experienced that relationship that makes us question why we even put up with it. It’s frustrating and sometimes vicious, but it’s something tangible and something that we’ve put a lot of time and effort in to, so we sustain. But are we shorting ourselves of true happiness? Yes. As a species, we’re naturally stubborn, so when we finally have a romantic relationship, we dig our claws in and hold on for dear life. It’s only through careful (and prayerful) consideration of our relationship’s standing that we can evaluate whether it’s time to exterminate the relationship or put more work in to revive it.

In all hope and honesty, each of us deserves a happy beginning, middle, and end with someone who fulfills us in every way. It’s what we strive for; it’s what we work toward. We need that long-lasting satisfaction that forever love brings. We deserve someone who makes us put down our reservations and jump in with both feet. Do you have that now? I don’t. But I hope to one day say, “My God, she’s enough.”

(Note: You can follow me on Twitter @Cory_Copeland. Thank you so very much for reading. It really does mean the world to me.)

Is There Any Good Left in the Church?

This is part 1 of a 3-part, weekly series:

I am a Christian. I go to church. I know other Christians. We talk. We mingle. But from what I see of myself, in other Christians, and especially in the churches, it would appear there is a genuine lack of relative goodness to be found. We do our outreach and we feed the homeless around the holidays, but I feel as though I am not experiencing that earth-shaking love and compassion He commanded of us.

Where did I go wrong? I am supposed to be light in a dark and lonely world. I am supposed to be what the lost and dying can look up to, to find reasonable hope in. I am supposed to be the eternal love of God Himself in the physical form. But I’m not. And I am not alone. Many Christians have moved so far away from that. It saddens me, and causes me to walk with a heavy heart. I see hordes flock from our churches to join congregations listening to a message of nothing but love, acceptance and vague descriptions of salvation being preached. But why? Why do they feel the need to flee for “greener” pastures? Within my weighted heart, I sincerely believe it’s because they feel as if we “saints” of the church don’t love or lead them, and we no longer show them examples of His grace.

I wish I could say my own sect of belief was different, that we were the exceptions to a brutal new rule, but, honestly, we just may be the worst. I’m Pentecostal, and in today’s religious community, we are seen as the most snobbish and stuck up—and for justifiable reasons.

But it’s more than that. It’s more than simply our fault. Those of us who are saved seem to have forgotten what it was like to be that filthy sinner, crawling on his hands and knees, begging for a holy mercy and redemption. What happened to the lovely grace the church was to provide to the wayward sinner? When did the norm become looking down on someone simply because they weren’t raised in Biblical truth? I can choose to admonish against these things because I am the worst of the lot. I’ve judged those who didn’t behave like I thought they should when my own miserable life was wrought with sin. I doubt there’s good left in our churches because we have fallen from compassion, instead becoming those who stare down from our perches of self-anointed deity and mock those who would dare enter His sanctuary while reeking of sin. Would the One we follow commit such heresy? No. He’d kick us out of our own church before He allowed that to happen. And it weakens my will to realize that we of the church think we are “good” enough to get away with it.

In truth, a change is needed within the four walls of our churches, and the time for that change is now. How are we to do His work of reaching the lost, caring for them, feeding them, clothing them, when we possess such a surly attitude toward those who do not follow our same faith? We are called to love others. To love them. We cannot begin to love something we’ve chosen to despise. It’s time for us to fall from our wickedly high horses and live a life like the Savior did, loving the masses of unwashed, sin-filled travelers. We were once a part of that beggar’s lot. Only by the grace of God are we where we are now. But we’ve chosen to take advantage of that favored position. If we can break free from the restrictions of a building’s four walls, them we can go to the unsaved wherever they may be. It’s not the preacher’s or the deacons’ or the choir leader’s responsibility to reach the lost. It’s mine and it’s yours.

The truth is, we can be better. It’s in our Christ-led heart to be compassionate and faithful in our giving to others, to give of ourselves and to love, love, love the sinner—no matter how distasteful that may feel to our sensitive nature. We were given the gift of salvation, not to hoard to ourselves, but to share with any and all we meet. How many of us can say we truly do just that? I can’t. But I can be better about it. I can learn from past mistakes of pious judgment and begin to love the sinner as God loved me, to show mercy and grace to them as He so wonderfully showed me. We can put goodness back in our churches. But to do so, a change must be made in us and in our approach to the very fabric of our own Christianity.

We are His chosen servants to help and to serve. It’s time we started behaving as such.

(Note: You can follow me on Twitter at @Cory_Copeland. Thank you for reading. It means the world to me.)

S-s-s-sex

“Ugh. Another post about sex.”

That’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it? That’s okay because that’s what I’m feeling. It seems like sex is everywhere these days, and it seems especially prevalent within the Christian blogosphere—which is odd to me because growing up in a Christian household, sex WAS NOT discussed. I never even had the classic “birds and the bees” chat that most kids get. I was never told what went where or what happened with things “happened”. I had to figure things out for myself and that took some doing. Webster’s dictionary only tells you so much after all. By the time I got to 11th grade anatomy class, I had everything figured out…for the most part (on my wedding night two years later, let’s just say there was plenty of trial and error).

Anyway, with today’s media drowning us with tales of “love”, and sex, and riotous times, it’s not a shock that sex and the like is everywhere. It’s everywhere because it’s an enjoyable experience. People like sex. They like thinking about sex (men and women both do this no matter how lady-like they claim to be), they like talking about sex and they like doing sex. Its purpose being created solely for a husband and wife is of no coincidence. Sex is everywhere and as Christians, we have to deal with that, doing our best to rise above those temptations.

And that is the point of this post. Sex is everywhere, so let’s use that to our advantage. Let’s not hide from it and struggle against it all by our lonesome, but rather help each other and hold each other accountable. For example: in this space, I’ve made it no secret that I struggle with sex. I’ve had sex outside of marriage and I’m not proud of it. But the regret doesn’t keep me from struggling with it. That fight is a constant. However, I know that if I discuss these temptations and my struggles with someone—someone who will keep me accountable for my actions—then I’m not as likely to relent to my desires. So tweet at me or email me and ask if I’m doing as I should. Keep me accountable and allow others to do the same for you.

For our use, there are numerous Christian blogs that discuss the subject thoroughly and even offer discussion boards and mentors to help us when we’re struggling. As Christians, we have a community of wonderfully wise people who are more than willing to listen and help us any way they can. Let’s use those resources, allowing others to help use so we can deal with our struggles in a responsible manner.

We can be better than our past mistakes and our temptations, but that fight doesn’t have to be done alone. Let’s hold each other to a higher standard by embracing accountability. It can only make things easier for all of us.

(Note: Thank you for reading! You can follow me on Twitter @Cory_Copeland.)

Honesty Above All

Full disclosure: tomorrow would have been my seventh wedding anniversary. I was married at 7pm on October 29th, 2004. It was a Friday. I was the ripe old age of 19– I’ll give you a moment to recover from the shock (I still can’t believe it myself. 19. Good grief). We were divorced three years and nine days later. It was a Wednesday.

You’d be safe to assume that I wasn’t ready to be married on that peaceful fall night seven years ago; I don’t think either of us were. We were too wrapped up in a courtship—and the infatuation it produced—to see the gravity of such an important decision. We were young, painfully naïve, and blindly optimistic; and even though I cared for the woman I was marrying, I didn’t love her. I knew that, but at 19, I felt changing my mind or altering our plans would cause an upheaval within the calmed balance of my life—so I went along with it, assuming (hoping even) God would allow me to feel love one day soon. The regret I feel for doing that to her will never pass. And though I’ve been through the desperation of a divorce, and all the raw emotions that process entails, I was able to learn so much truth during those melancholy times–most of all, I learned how to be honest.*

Relationships, whether romantic or friendly, are a balance between two parties. Each member brings something to the relationship with the understanding that they’ll be given back what they require. We hope, we laugh, and we love, all while (hopefully) being sustained within the union, but when one decides to betray the other–whether through actions or words– a divide is caused. It’s during these moments of selfish contemplation when the most pain and damage is done to our relationships and the people we care for.

Honesty is bravery. It takes courage to look a loved one in the face and admit that we’ve done something wrong, or that our feelings have changed. Shying away from that and hiding our wrongdoing is part cowardice and part fear of hurting this person we’ve cared for. We feel we can hide the truth and proceed, but it rarely, if ever, works out that way.

In contrast to my past self, I’ve done a complete 180 in handling a relationship and the honesty it requires. When I decide to get to know a young lady, I’m forthcoming with all of my past sins and mistakes. If I see the potential of a forever with her, why would I start the relationship off with deceitful lying and the like? Even from an analytical standpoint, it doesn’t make sense. I can sincerely say I’ve learned from my mistakes and treat each relationship, friendly or romantic, with the respect and truthfulness it deserves. In doing this, I’ve seemed to rid my life of dramatics and honestly, that’s all I could ever ask for.

In the end, honesty saves us from ourselves—holding us accountable to those we care about. Everyone; whether friends, lovers, or family, will all respect our upfront honesty. It’s called for, and even at the most basic of human levels, it’s required. Let’s put honesty above all else and live our lives in the light of truth as we deserve.

*This full story was published in book form in 2009. Next week, I will make the manuscript available to all those who would like a copy…for free. Follow me on Twitter (@Cory_Copeland) or like the Mad to Love fan page for more details to come. Thank you for reading.

The Worst of Christianity

I was raised on my father’s truth. From an early age, he and my dear mother instilled in me their lessons of God, and love, and religion. As I grew, they pushed me to find truth for myself—prodding me to discover God and His love all on my own. This, they did in wisdom. This, they did in love.

I accepted my father’s beliefs and made them my own because they made sense to my heart and to my prayerful soul. As an adult, I hold stringently to these beliefs, resting my hope of salvation and eternal love within their intricacies. Even now, I stand for this hallowed faith, and believe them to be true. The church I frequent steadfastly teaches these same loving beliefs, so I faithfully attend and hold out my cup to be burdened. I am fulfilled in the teachings of my faith, and my former ache for redemption has been soothed. I hold tight to my faith because I searched it out and found it for myself. This, I did through mercy.

Religion is a curse; one that was created by men and has caused the countless wars where the blood of millions has been shed. Religions are merely the interpretations of God’s Word by carnal minds that lacked deity and heavenly wisdom. It’s no wonder so much fighting has been done in the name of God. We each have a version of God we worship, and we each believe He requires something different of us. Our beliefs may vary, and when that happens, “discussions” (read: fights) can occur. We fight for our discovered truth, hoping to convert and conquer. So little respect exists between our faiths, and so we fight on, ignoring the very basis of our Christianity—love.

When God commanded us to love, it wasn’t just the unsaved sinner, but also each other. You and I may not agree on what concrete Biblical truth consists of, but that will never give us cause to tear each other down, or—even worse—look down upon each other with conceited eyes. As Christians, we are to love unabashedly and that most certainly does not stop once we’re facing another religion or belief. We are all children of God. He is our Father and loves us as such. It’s time we started treating each other as the siblings we are, and loving one another as God loves us.

Tolerance is love, and though we may not agree, we can be respectful and tolerant of each other’s own discovered truth. It would seem to be the Christian thing to do.

(Thank you guys for reading. It means the world to me. Also, follow me on Twitter at @Cory_Copeland)

Tips on How to Get a Girlfriend

They say those who can’t do, teach. So who better to give you advice on how to get a girlfriend than the guy who is not only currently single, but who also has been broken up with enough times to make Nicholas Sparks cry? And just because I’m perpetually more single than Blanche Devereaux does NOT mean that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Or does it? (No, seriously…does it?)

Regardless, I have wisdom to share, so share I shall do. Therefore, I present to you
“Cory Copeland’s Guide to Getting a Girlfriend”. Study these tips of the trade and you’ll have the ladies beating down your door in no time (but seriously…I’m brutally single so take all of this as lightly as possible):

Do…dress for success
Dudes, there’s a reason “Clothes make the man” is a saying, and has been for longer than we’ve been alive. You want the cute little lady to notice you and/or give you the time of day? Fine, then dress like you did it on purpose, and not like you woke up in the basement after an all-night dudefest and immediately sprinted out the door. She’ll thank you, and so will the people who don’t have to see you in that Bart Simpson t-shirt with the holes in the armpits.

Don’t…be a jerk
I’d like to think this one is not only common knowledge, but also self-explanatory. However, with the amount of douche-baggery I see going on every day, I feel like we men are digressing rather than progressing. Look, just be nice to girls (and people in general!). It’s really not that hard. Be kind, be gentle, and act like you have some manners. I guarantee that this will make you seem like Sir Lancelot himself in the eyes of a smitten young lady.

Do…be direct
It’s fairly simple: the female species appreciates a guy who can state what his intentions are and how he intends to go about accomplishing them. Yes, you may think you’re being cute by playing the role of “secret admirer”, but take a direct approach by simply stating your interest, and she’ll see you as the Superman you are. Trust, son…trust.

Don’t…double back
No one likes a flake. Really…no one. So don’t say things you don’t mean just to see that pretty smile of hers. There’s a way to flirt, and there’s a way to break a girl’s heart; don’t pursue her unless you’re sure you’re ready to take the necessary steps a progressing relationship requires. In other words, don’t bite off more than you can chew. Look both ways before you cross the street. Don’t count your chi—you know what…you get it.

Do…be a man
Again, easier said than done. But respect is only given when it is deserved. You’re a guy. You’re supposed to take the lead and ask her out (in a gentlemanly way). You’re supposed to treat her with admiration and respect. Be the man you’re supposed to be. If you like her, pursue her and show her you’re worthy of her attention. But if she declines, and says “no thanks”, let that be it. Don’t be the creepy guy who follows her around and calls her 5,927 times a day. No means no, fella. Lick your wounds and walk on.

Alright, boys…that should do it. Follow these tips and you will probably, maybe, possibly, more -than-likely get a girl to give you the time of day. If not, well that’s what you get for taking the advice of a guy who spends his Friday nights eating pizza rolls and watching Golden Girls (Oh, Blanche…… *sigh*).

(Follow me on Twitter at @Cory_Copeland. Thank you all for reading. You’re the awesomesauce in my day’s burrito)

Tips on How to Get a Boyfriend

Every now and then, we each need a little help in the romance department. However, considering that I have never actually had a boyfriend of my own, I can simply relay to you what the majority of men like, and hope you take it somewhat serious. I mean, guys are fairly easily impressed. You’re already a woman; the work’s basically done for you!

Now, as we’ve discussed, I’m painfully, brutally, couldn’t-get-a-date-at-a-women’s-prison single, and probably will be for the foreseeable future. But that does NOT discount me from being able to share my learned wisdom on what guys like, so ladies like yourself can benefit from my somewhat specific skill set. (You’re welcome, btw!) After all, I am a dude and that’s what you’re trying to hunt dow—er, captur—um, get, right? Therefore, I present to you, “Cory Copeland’s Tips on How to Get a Boyfriend”. Follow these nuggets of knowledge and you’ll be overrun with good-looking fella’s just itching (the non-STD way) to take you out, and make you their proverbial woman. Now listen and learn:

Do…keep it classy
Read the title of this one again. Classy is not relative or debatable. A classy young lady is not one who dances on table tops, nor does she dress so that her bra and/or panty size is easily assumed. Here’s the thing to remember: you want a good guy, right—one that will treat you respectfully? Well, dressing like a ho-ho is going to turn away any Dr. McDreamy who’s looking for a nice girl to treat well. Try a full clothed approach with a dash of self-confidence instead. IT…DOES…WONDERS. Trust me.

Don’t…hide your personality
This seems easier said than done—especially for females. You may be the funniest, most clever girl that ever lived, but if you bury that wonderful wit to nab a man, then you’re going to have to keep up that charade. Better to be yourself from the start and let that handsome man fall for the girl you are, not the one you could be. You want him to like you, not the version of you doing your best Kristen Stewart impression. (God, I hate her so hard.)

Do…say what you mean, mean what you say
Look, I understand that you’re women. You’re more highly evolved than we men are. I promise you that we understand that. So why feel the need to make us guess at your meaning or not be completely honest when it comes to how you feel about us. We’re not smart enough for that! It’s unfair! Be open and honest about how you’re feeling –good and bad—and that Taylor Lautner look alike is more likely to do the same with you. If you don’t, that means we have to try to assume, and you know what assuming makes us? Idiots. It makes us big, fat idiots. So be upfront, and everybody wins!

Don’t…do anything you don’t want to
You’re in charge here. Plain and simple. Don’t like the boy that asked you out? Don’t say yes. Don’t feel like kissing too soon? DON’T! You’re in charge from beginning to end, so there’s no reason you should be in an uncomfortable situation. Don’t like where things are headed? End it pronto like Tonto. You’ll be happier in the long run, and though he sets fire to your pictures and blocks you on Twitter, he’ll be happier as well. A guy respects a girl who can be direct and give it to him straight…even if it makes him cry the tears of a CareBear.

Do…go for what you want
Again, easier said than done. And though it takes courage, you’ll also feel proud of yourself in the end. Interested in a boy for all the right reasons and he maybe, possibly, might could fall for you? Make it happen! Let him know you’re interested. Flirt your little booty off. Don’t leave any doubt. Let him know that he would be an absolute idiot not to ask you out because you are amazing, and funny, and pretty, and you totally have the sweetest Pinterest of all your friends. How could he not see the potential? But most of all, don’t settle. You know what you want, and what will make you happy. Go for that and nothing less.

Anyway, ladies…that’s all I’ve got for now. Follow these tips, and you may just land yourself that cute boy who’s been making those creepy but cute eyes at you the last few days. If not, that’s what you get for listening to guy who considers “You’ve Got Mail” to be the best rom-com of the last twenty years. So…

(Follow me on the Twitter here. Thanks for reading, you guys! If you have any questions, email me at Cory.Copeland@gmail.com)

A Call to True Christianity

If you’ve read my writing before, then you know that I consider myself a Christian. But what does that mean? The United States of America is considered a “Christian” nation by the rest of the globe, yet those of us who live here know that what we see and hear is anything but Christ-like. Even my own actions and words often stray from what God would do and say. Yes, I am a Christian, but how am I proving that to others?

It’s well known that to be a Christian is to believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ, accepting His given salvation and following His teachings, leading our lives as He would to the best of our abilities. Or is it? These days, it’s becoming harder and harder to distinguish the Christians from the non-believers—and not in the good way. We’ve become lax in our treatment of God’s gift of life. Though we claim His salvation rests within our soul, we do and say things that God would never do; we watch things God would never watch; we are influenced by things God would never allow to influence Him. We claim His Christianity, yet live as we like, simply “doing our best” and hoping we do enough to hear, “Well done…”—but it’s not enough.

It’s easy to read this and scoff at my slandering of our Christian way, but I’m not writing this because I think you need to hear it; I’m writing this because I know that I need to hear it. I am a Christian, but my actions don’t always reflect my chosen lifestyle. I am a follower of Jesus, but the words that fall from my lips aren’t always things that a devout Christian should say. And this shames me. My God died for me, taking a beating I can barely even fathom, and yet, I find it too difficult to live a clean and separated life. The Bible tells us to live in this world but not “of” it. In other words, be a part of this world; live and love and experience the wonderful things this life holds, but do so as a separated individual—one who lives their life as God has called us to do.

The truth is some of us aren’t going to heaven. I don’t mean to be cynical, but the law of averages is against us. There are a million different sects of Christianity…and somebody’s wrong. But God has given us a chance at redemptive salvation. All we can do is live our life as holy and sin free to the absolute best of our abilities. I can be a better Christian. I can be a better disciple. I can be a better example of Him and His work.

We are the living testament to His grace and mercy. And it’s time we began treating our lives as such.

“In, not of…”

Onward and upward.

(You can follow me on Twitter at @Cory_Copeland. Thank you for reading. It really does mean a lot to me.)

Idol Love

Have you ever been in love? Have you found yourself swept wide of reason, and aptly swayed by the notion of forever? I had that once; it was terrible. Well, the love itself wasn’t, but the relationship that produced—and then abandoned—that love was terrible. Not at first, but as a whole. Many mistakes were made, and lessons were learned. I’m a better, wiser man because of it. But even with my experiencing this somewhat wretched attempt at love, I find myself aching to feel something of resemblance soon. Maybe it’s the romantic in me; maybe it’s the fact that we humans crave that connection; maybe I just don’t feel like being alone anymore. Whatever that deepened desire is it crashes my conscience and calls to my heart. Love, love, love…oh, what a wonderful mess.

And even as I feel myself wanting that feeling again, I can’t help but notice the place of reverence I—and seemingly everyone else—have placed this notion of love. We see it in our movies, and read of it in our books. It’s made up to be the great corrector of our problems, and mighty concealer of our less-than-stellar qualities. Love has been constructed to be our beautiful provider of fairytales, humble yet strong in the course it shapes for our life. But what happens when love abandons us and leaves us in tears and pain? Where is the mighty promise then? Love has become the idol we allow ourselves to worship without pause, and surprised in acceptance. Love is no longer a battlefield, but rather a diatribe of unwelcomed portrayals and false advertising. We ache for this love, while disregarding the fickle nature of our priorities.

I’ve maintained that one must be fulfilled and happy in and of themselves before they can be truly content within the confines of a relationship…and even today, I hold this to be true. Yet, how are we to be content and fulfilled when we willingly raise love on its pedestal, high and revered before us? We’ve made it into the great goal of our lives, when really it’s simply a blessing from a loving Father Who desires to see us sheltered and whole in His love.

If romantic love is the ultimate achievement of our days, then we are failing in life—and in love. It’s time we brought love down from the riser we’ve placed it on, and put that same effort in to living our days as He sees fit. Love is a lovely possibility, but it’s not the end-all of our existence.

Love is a blessing—just not one we should covet so readily. One day, we may find that pixie of a feeling; but until then, we must walk on with our heart bared bright for Him, living and breathing in the grace and goodness He provides.

(You can follow my ramblings on the Twitter at @Cory_Copeland. Thank you for reading!)

He’s Just Not That Into You…or is He?

As I’ve mentioned many, many, MANY times, I’m not great at relationships. Well, actually I take that back. I’m a good boyfriend—it’s just that none of my relationships have lasted to this point. Regardless, though I may not know how to make a relationship last, I do know people….more specifically men. I know them suckers like the back of my hand because I happen to be one (shocked, right?!).

If there’s one question I’m asked on a constant basis, it’s, “How will I know if she/he likes me?! OmG, i’M fReAkInG oUt, cOrY!!” Okay, maybe not that bad, but the question is presented to me quite often. So, that being said—and because I’m not about to act like I know what women are EVER thinking—I decided to put a little guide together for the ladies that hints at when a young fella may have takin’ a liking to ya.

As always, these are guidelines, not hard rules to live by. Some of these may be fairly obvious, but it never hurts to touch all of our bases, ladies.

Without further ado, I present to you, “Cory Copeland’s Guide to the Male Mind”:

If he does…find a way to personally contact you every single day.
I know what you’re thinking. “DUH, Copeland!” But stick with me here. If a young squire finds random, off-the-wall reasons (mentioning things you like, funny stories to tell you, asks how your day is going, etc.) to text, call, or message you, then he’s got an itch to scratch and the only medication for said scratch is you, dear. It may sound elementary, but you’d be surprised at how many chicas miss this sign.

If he doesn’t…miss an opportunity to hang out with you.
Again, simple. Yet, it seems the female is programmed to dismiss the most obvious sings of infatuation. Maybe it’s the fear of rejection, maybe it’s the adamant refusal to give a guy a break…I don’t know. But if a guy readily accepts just about every invitation to be around you, IT MEANS HE PROBABLY LIKES YOU. Are we clear? Good. Moving on.

If he does…talk to his friends about you.
I’m not joking when I say guys are simple, basic creatures. We are. So it only makes sense that if a guy is talking about you to mutual friends (in a good way. Never forget that guys can be total douchebags sometimes), it means he can’t get you off of his mind and has to let that goodness out. It’s a good thing. It may not mean he’s automatically ready for marriage (he’s no Ross Gellar, amiright, ladies?!), but it does mean that you hold a special place with him, and he—more than likely—would like to get to know you on a more personal level.

If he doesn’t…mind doing/buying stuff for you.
Dudes are cheap. I don’t care who he is or how much money he makes, he’s watching his dollars like Luke watched Peyton through the windows of her house (One Tree Hill anyone? Anyone? No? Okay…). So it only stands to reason that if he offers to pay for your meal, or buy you presents, flowers, etc. that he’s got a wee bit of a crush on you. Either that or you’re just one of those manipulative females that’s got him wrapped around your little finger. THAT’S RIGHT! I SAID IT!

If he does…find reasons to be alone with you.
This maybe the most simple one of all. Look, a guy is a fraternal thing. We like to be around other guys so we can tell gross jokes and make farting noises with our mouths (I’m only half joking here). So if a guy finds a way to be alone with you—no matter the venue—it means he probably has a thing for you and just isn’t brave enough to ask you out on a proper date. Either that or he’s looking to pull a Derek and wants to tie you and your best friend up in your basement on prom night (Two OTH references in one post?! I am on FIRE!).

Alrighty, that’ll have to hold you over for the time being*. Hopefully you’ll find these guidelines helpful in your pursuit of the perfect man. If not, that’s what you get for listening to a guy who’s watched every episode of One Tree Hill until Luke and Peyton left, but refuses to acknowledge that it’s still being aired (because they WERE the show, you guys. THEY…WERE…THE…SHOW).

*Feel free to add your own helpful hints in the comments.

(Follow me on Twitter at @Cory_Copeland. Thanks for reading! Luke + Peyton= 4lyfe)

The Villain Inside

I like to think I’m a good person, that I was born good and will die as such—but my Bible tells me differently. We all were born into sin, which means we are inherently bad. We strive to be the best versions of ourselves by loving others, creating harmony, and giving deeply of all that we have…yet, despite our best efforts, we are still bad.

This idea is solidified with the fact that I feel as though I have a villain of sorts living in my bones. He’s a rakish chap who wants me to have the sexual conquests, booze, and riotous lifestyle I’ve never experienced. It’s not that this inward devil consciously wishes me harm; actually, the opposite is true. He wants me to be satisfied and to be whole in the ways the world is “whole”. Yet, I strive to be better than that specific type of lifestyle. I have things that pull at me and call to me, as we all do, but I do my best to rise above such choices. I can make the decision to abstain from the worldly things that haunt me so that I live the life of purity and grace my Father wishes for me.

Due to our humanistic nature, we cannot be perfectly good. We will sin and we will disappoint God and our loved-ones, but the truth is that we can be a better version of the villain that lives inside us all. We can forgo the choices that may cause us harm, while bending our sinful will so that it may match that of a holy God Who calls us to be better people than our default settings would allow.

We can make a perpetual choice to be good, to be the hero that maintains victory over the dastardly foe. It may not always be easy, and we may not always be up for such a titular fight, but we do have a choice. We may not be wholly good, but we sure can behave as such.

(Thanks for reading! And follow me on the Twitter at @Cory_Copeland!)

Tears of Grace

I had a moment at 15,000 feet.

Away I flew, from Chicago to Orlando, the final leg of a day-long journey for a weekend of fun. I’d hopped from plane to plane that day, smiling wryly and with muted thoughts as I restricted myself to the small portions of allotted personal space I was allowed.

I sat among formal strangers that I’d not spoken to, nor much cared to. I gazed out the scratched, double-paned glass, hoping to spot a landmark of remembrance or familiarity. Instead, I was met with the quaintness of cordoned off little squares of peaceful land, quiet and stoic—seeming to be waiting for something, anything.

I read through the Vonnegut novel in my lap, digesting the beautiful beat his words carry, marveling at the prowess an old German man could possess of the English language. Tunes of shuffling songs whispered to me as I did my best to drown the drone of engines in my ears. It was all so dignified and strange.

And then I was wrecked.

Seated there between a middle-aged shrew and a snoring salesman, grace flooded my conscious and broke me down to something beautifully barren.

Quietly, these words* drifted into my ears:

I can’t sing loud enough
When I’m singing for You my God
With a thunder roll and a brilliant light
Your glory boasts and the heavens shine
The saints and angels stand in awe
Captured by the beauty of it all
So I fall to my knees
But I can’t bow low enough
At the vision of You my God

There, in a floating bus, fifteen thousand feet above my blessed country, nestled in cramped quarters and desperate for the journey’s end, I closed my eyes and quietly wept.

I wept for the goodness of my God. For the grace and mercy He chose to afford to me and to you. I wept for chances I’ve wasted, and for the ones I’ve yet to take.

I wept because I’m a sinner, and I wept because of my salvation.

I wept for His blessings, and I wept for His favor.

I wept in reverence.

I wept in thanks.

(As always, thank you for reading and for your support. You can follow me on Twitter here.)

*These are lyrics from Phil Wickham’s Cielo. I highly recommend it.

What Women Want…Probably

I know what you’re thinking. I do. You saw the title of this post, and now you think I’m an idiot for even attempting to write about a subject so difficult to address and/or be murdered for. And you know what? You’re right. I may get death threats over this one. But…it’ll be worth it. Why? Because my lonely brothers need assistance; they need some help. So maybe I’m not college educated, and maybe I live in a van down by the river, but I do know just a teeny tiny bit about the females and their ways. This is an attempt at that.

Last week, I wrote a post detailing how a guy acts—or doesn’t—when he likes a girl. Now, I’m attempting the opposite. Behold, in all its tragic glory, I present to you, “Cory Copeland’s Guide to the Female Mind”. Note: if any females would like to send me death threats after reading this, please do so by directing them to my Twitter account here.

Now…let us begin. Hold on tight. It’s gonna be a really bumpy ride.

If she does…find a way to contact you almost every day.
Did you notice the key word in that sentence? “Almost”. Why? Because females—in all their wonderful glory—are tricky little pixies. She may like you and she may want to be with you, but dang it all if she’s going to be the one to make it happen, son. So yes, she may send you a text message here and there, and she may call you out of the blue, but she isn’t like you. She actually knows what she’s doing (sometimes). It won’t be easy to discern immediately, but if she’s contacting you on a semi-regular basis, it could mean she’s at least interested in the possibility of you. Yes, that sentence confused me as much as it confused you. We are talking about females after all. Moving on…

If she doesn’t…miss an opportunity to see you.
I like to think girls are at least a little bit like us. If you’re a guy and you’re digging a femanita, you want to see them, right? So it makes sense that females would be the same way. But then again…we’re discussing girls here, so who really knows? Let’s just assume that if she likes you, she’s going to find a way to be around you. She’ll come to your church, or she’ll “accidentally” run in to you at your job working as Santa’s elf, or she’ll come see your Pussy Cat Dolls cover band play a set at the local coffee shop (if she does all of these in succession, you may just have a stalker on your hands so…….). If she’s interested, she’s going to want you to know she’s interested and that means making sure you see her pretty little face. Remember when Rachel flew TO ENGLAND to ruin be at Ross’ wedding? It’s pretty much like that. I’m also pretty sure you can trust this one…maybe.

If she does…laugh at all of your jokes.
Look, we’re guys. We think we’re the funniest thing since Chandler Bing, but we’re not. So if she makes you feel really funny by laughing at all of your jokes, there’s a chance she’s doing that because she likes you and wants you to feel good about yourself (See? She’s a giver). So if she’s laughing her pretty little head off, then either you should be on Def Comedy Jam or she’s got her eye on you. Either way, you are winning in ways Charlie Sheen never imagined.

If she doesn’t…mind doing things for you.
I think it’s pretty well known that women are givers. Givers of dirty looks, givers of verbal molestation etc., but they are also just givers period. So if she does things for you every now and then, don’t read too much in to it. But if she’s finding ways to give you really great things that she knows you’re interested in or will like, or doing things for you that make you take notice, then it’s safe to assume that she has designs on you (Read: to make you her little whipping boy and/or man slave).

If she does…talk about you with her girlfriends.
It’s no secret that women talk…a lot. So if she’s picking up the beats you’re laying down (how cool am I, really?), then she’s going to be yapping away to her girlfriends about you. And because women are NOTORIOUS gossipers, it’s likely that one of her good friends will “let it slip” that she likes you. Do not discount this. Take it as a good sign. (This paragraph may just get me murdered by a herd group of women). It’s kind of like when Ariel gushed about Prince Eric to that bird and little crab dude. Actually, it’s just like that.

Okay, fellas, that’s all the “helpful” hints I’ve got for now. Hopefully you can use these guidelines to make that sweet little lass who’s stalking you around the mall all your own. If not, that’s what you get for listening to a guy who has proudly seen every single episode of Friends, and counts Dr. Ross Gellar as one of his personal heroes.

(Follow me on Twitter here! As always, thank you so much for reading. You guys are the awesomest of the awesome)

“I’m not a hoodlum…”

The title for this post comes from one of my favorite books—Jack Kerouac’s The Subterraneans.

“…and then when they learn I’m not a hoodlum, but some kind of crazy saint, they don’t like it, and moreover, they’re afraid I’ll suddenly become a hoodlum anyway…”

In this particular passage, Kerouac is describing how civilians see him as he stumbles down the street, drunk and looking particularly thuggish for his time. He states that because of how he appears, they assume he’s a hoodlum, but he’s not—he considers himself simply a crazy saint who’s trying to find his way. His feelings are hurt because people he does not know—and probably will never know—assume the worst about him. He wants to convince them he is actually good, and would never do them any harm. But then again, Kerouac wrote this particular book in only three days while high on hallucinogens, so maybe those people did have a point after all.

Regardless, these few broken lines have spoken to me since the day I read them. In my copy of the book, I even have them highlighted so that they are easily found. They speak to me because I know how he feels. People I know, and people I do not, have seen the mistakes I’ve made in the past, and readily assume that I am the same hoodlum that perpetrated those sins—but I’ve changed. I’ve said words I shouldn’t. I’ve taken things that weren’t mine. I’ve slept with women I didn’t love. I’ve sinned, and done so heavily. I realize this and embrace my past so that I may learn from it. But I can honestly say that I am no longer that man. I am changed. I’m not a hoodlum.

The same can go for you if you so choose. Yes, you’ve sinned, and yes, you’ve done things you shouldn’t, but your past does not determine your future. Each day of forgiveness, we are made anew in God and His mercy. Let that be our mantra. We may have been a “hoodlum” in our past, and others may assume the worst of us because of those sins, but we are better than our past would dictate.

I won’t pretend the opinion of others has no bearing on our conscious; it does—for some more than others. But if we’ve made a dignified change in our lifestyle, and we are working toward the betterment of our times, then let those naysayers think what they want. We are no longer hoodlums. We are the good and the kind. We are the righteous.

We’re not hoodlums; we’re just those crazy saints.

(Follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for reading!)

How to Make Her Feel Special

Every now and then, I like to do what I can to help my fellow man out. And while it’s no secret that I’ve had a failed relationship or two (or seven), the truth is that I believe I know how to treat a lady. Through many, many, many trials of error, I’ve taught myself the ways to make a young lady feel special and wanted—at least I hope so. It’s really not very hard if you just put a little thought and effort into it; it can be fairly simple actually.

While I am no expert on the female brain or how such a magnificently confusing mechanism works, I do have a few ideas on how to make that special little lady in your life feel even more special. Yes, it is possible—kinda like when Devon Sawa smiled at Icebox, and she melted right out of her cleats and shoulder pads (Little Giants reference for…the…win!).

So, I’m here to share a few tips with you guys. Follow this list, and I guarantee she’ll be wearing your proverbial letter jacket for the foreseeable future. Quick note: most of these are better suited for when you’re already in the throes of a relationship with a young lady. Otherwise, tailor them to your own needs.

Regardless and forthwith, I present to you, “Cory Copeland’s Guide to Making Her Feel Special”:

Share Yourself with Her
I could literally feel your eyes roll from here…but stick with me. A female likes to feel included in her man’s life. That’s a given. But let’s take it a step further, and not only share the big parts of your life with her, but the small, intimate things that make you the wonderful man that you are. Send her a few links to your favorite songs from the YouTube; invite her over to watch your favorite movie on DVD (“Saving Private Ryan” IS an acceptable choice; anything with Meryl Streep IS NOT); lend her some of your favorite books. Not only are you sharing your favorite things with her—which will make her feel wanted—but you’re also giving her a more in-depth view of who you are as a person. This is a good thing.

Smile at Her
Again, this seems like a simple task, but sometimes guys forget to alert their face that they’re happy. Want her to feel like Julie the Cat when that goober-looking goalie from the varsity team started paying her attention (D3 anybody? Anybody?)? Smile when you see her. When she enters a room you’re already in and she catches your eye, smile at her. She’ll smile back, and you’ll make her feel all warm and cuddly on the inside (unless she’s still mad at something you did earlier, in which case you’re on your own). Again, this is a good thing.

You Like Her? Tell Her
This seems like an easy enough idea, but it usually isn’t. Usually, once we’ve allowed the female to know we’re interested in her, we feel she should assume the same moving forward. And to us, that makes sense. But the female mind likes to be assured, and done so often. So if you like this sweet little lady, tell her. If you’re sitting there watching a movie or something, just look over at her, smile, and tell her that you do, indeed, still think she is the greatest thing since Wendy Peffercorn. This can only cause good things to happen in your relationship*.
*Note: Only do this if you actually like the girl. If you don’t anymore, don’t lead her on. Be a man, and tell the truth.

Call Her…on the Phone
Yes, I realize texting is the best thing ever invented, but sometimes a girl likes to hear her man’s voice in her ear (that reads creepier than I intended). Not only will she appreciate you taking the time to call her, but she’ll also know that she means more to you because you’re actually making a tangible effort in the relationship. Just don’t do that whole, “You hang-up. No, YOU hang-up” thing; it’s annoying/disgusting.

Send Her Hand-Written Letters through the Mail
This is like the mighty Mecca of romantic gestures. In fact, I tweeted something to this affect last week, and nearly the whole Western hemisphere retweeted it. Why? Because girls like getting mail! Actually…everybody does. And if it’s a hand-written letter crafted by a guy who is genuinely making an effort to woo his lady beyond their initial meeting, it will mean even more. So take a few minutes to write out a thoughtful letter to her. Lick the envelope, put the Elvis commemorative stamp on it, do the whole bit. Then send it to her, and wait. In a couple of days, you will be placed on a whole new pedestal in her life. She will appreciate you making such a grand—yet simple—gesture. I am guaranteeing it right now!

These few tips should get you guys started for now. Like I said, it’s really a simple concept: treat her the way you would want to be treated if you were a girl. Wait…that’s a little twisted, even for me. Never mind. Look, just be a genuine gentleman, and remember that a woman’s heart is won within the details of your courtship.

(You should be following me on Twitter. Do it here. Thanks for reading, friends!)

Lessons from Make Believe (by Lauren St.Martin)

(Today marks the beginning of a random, no-schedule-to-speak-of round of guest posts by a few young writers I feel deserve a better audience. Today’s is from Lauren St. Martin who writes on her blog here and tweets on the Twitter here. Read her, follow her, and enjoy her.
As always, thanks for reading, and I’ll be back writing on Monday. In the meantime, you can follow me on Twitter here. Have a great weekend.
-Cory)

When Cory first asked me to write about something I’ve learned in a relationship, I started laughing. Really hard. You see, I’ve never actually had a “relationship.” I’m 23, and perpetually single. The few dates I’ve had were with a guy I met in college, and even in the midst of them, I knew that I was only hanging out with him because my friends had all left the state. I was lonely, and he had The Office and Scrubs on DVD. I count myself blessed to have realized this before either one of us got truly attached. But this isn’t what I want to write about.

While I may have never been in any “real” relationships, I have been in my fair share of relationships—in my head.

*Disclaimer: I am single…because I choose to be. This is not me being sad that I’m single, or looking for my future Mr. Also, I do not fall in love with every single guy that fits what I’m about to describe. Give me some credit.

I think it’s something most females experience, and perhaps males as well, though I won’t speak for them. I know that it’s not limited to the overly romantic, because I do not fall into that category. I’d rather watch Braveheart than a Nicolas Sparks movie any day, and I think that the love in “love at first sight” should be replaced by the more accurate “lust.” But despite all my realist and cynical views, I still fall into the trap of make believe.

It can be something as little as a guy opening the door for me, but more often than not, it’s witty banter back and forth. Nothing like a duel of sarcasm to make me start day dreaming about the hilarious conversations we will have when we eventually get married. I imagine our poor children who will have to wait through our hilarious retorts to get a straight response out of us on their latest life crisis. I picture what our first date will be like, and what I’ll be wearing. It certainly doesn’t help when friends start asking what’s going on between me and “Albert” (Yes, I may have named him), and start confirming that he really must be in love with me since he mentioned the same thing I did on Facebook and we both wore blue on the same day! But eventually, reality hits, and I find out the guy I’ve been flirting with is really into my friend, coworker, or the incredibly girlie girl who is nothing like me.

I tell myself I’ll be alright, that he’s just my friend and nothing happened—but we all know that that’s not how life works. It’s hard, because I dropped my guard, and left my heart open. There is a reason we’re told to “Guard our heart.” EVERYTHING we do is affects it!

I think the reason it’s so difficult to keep our heart guarded is because we aren’t meant to be soulless, emotionless, disconnected beings. We’re meant to connect! We’re meant to share our stories and thoughts with people. But this can be dangerous, whether you’re single, dating, or married. So, somehow, we must find that line between being vulnerable and being involved.

I can’t tell you where that line is, because this is something I’m still trying to figure out for myself, though I’ve gotten better over the years. I can tell you that the answer isn’t to hide yourself and never open up. It isn’t to fall head over heels with everyone we might remotely be attracted to. It lies somewhere in the grayed-out middle.

Let me know when you’ve found it?

Go Your Own Way

Can you help me out with something? I’m trying to figure out who it is that decides what’s acceptable in society. Is it a single person, or is it a group of people like in that movie, The Skulls (don’t shake your head at me; you watched it too. Joshua Jackson? Paul Walker? C’mon)? I need to know this because whoever it is making these decisions for society deserves a swift punch to the throat. And that’s putting it nicely.

In today’s American world, there is a certain way adulthood is to be approached. If you’re “smart” about it, as soon as you graduate high school, you pick a career at the age of 18, and then spend the next four years in college learning all you can about your chosen field of study. Then, once you’ve graduated college in four years or less (IT CANNOT BE MORE THAN FOUR YEARS!), you are to immediately find a job in said field, spending the next 40 to 50 years working and advancing in your field of study. Along the way, you also should have found a mate, produced 2.5 children, and bought a house in a quiet neighborhood all while possessing many leather bound books that make your office smell of rich mahogany . It’s really all very simple. Except when it’s not…

I don’t hide the fact that I’ve never been to college. College wasn’t for me, and I knew that. Does that allow others to look upon me and my qualifications in a more negative light? Sometimes. Do I regret not attending some institution where higher learning was made available? Nope. Is my opinion slanted in support of those who prefer to take the time to figure out who they are as a person rather than blindly commit to a life in which they will be unhappy? Without question. I understand that some folks know what they want and who they want to be from an early age. But what of the rest? What about those square pegs that don’t fit in society’s round holes? Why must they be discounted simply because they’ve found a reason to breathe, and have taken their time in finding their own way through life?

I’ve said all of that to lead to this: don’t let someone else tell you what type of life you should be leading. There isn’t some massive scoreboard that says you have to be at this point in your life by this age, or you have to have this accomplished by this point in life. That’s all rubbish. Just because those around you have found their way quicker than you have does not mean you are falling behind. We each have our own path, and that path is both chosen and blazed by us—and only us. If you don’t want to go to college immediately, don’t. If you’d rather take a few semesters off to figure out who you are and what you want out of this life, then do that. Ultimately, it’s your life to lead. Be what you want to be, do what you want to do, and do it on your own timetable.

I get that my “advice” may come with some caveat. Who am I to offer life advice? But in the end, we all must choose our own path. It can’t be chosen for us. Only we can decide what will make us happy, and what will fulfill us to the point of contentment. It’s in those life decisions that we finally find ourselves. Society can’t determine your path for you—at least they shouldn’t be able to.

Find your own path, and go your own way; you’ll be glad you did.

(You NEED to be following me on Twitter. Do it here. As always, thanks for reading!)

He’s Just Not That Into You…Seriously

We’ve all been in that awkward place. The one where we’re crushing hardcore on someone, but aren’t really sure if they’re putting out the same vibe. It can be confusing—and especially for females. Why? Because most guys are idiots (this writer included) who either don’t know what they want so they don’t know how to go about deciding, or know what they want—or don’t want—and are too cowardly to make that fact known. We’re a sad, scraggly bunch, we men.

So, how can a girl tell when a guy isn’t really interested in her from a romantic standpoint? Well, there are signs. How do you tell what those signs are? I’m going to tell you if you’d just be patient. What if we don’t want to be patient, Cory? What if we want to know them NOW? Fine. I’ll tell you, but you have to buy me seasons 1-6 of One Tree Hill after. Deal?

Without further delay, I proudly present, “Cory Copeland’s Guide on How to Tell if a Dude Doesn’t Like You” (that title depressed me just as much as it did you *sigh*):

If he does…find a way to keep pushing your dates back.
You would assume that this whole scenario would be self-explanatory, but…you’d be wrong. Guys have things going on. We work, we play (video games), we watch our John Wayne movies for the 1,027^th time (don’t you even THINK about dissing the Duke). We’re busy. BUT, if a guy is interested in a girl, he will find a way to see her. So if Chet Stedman keeps canceling your dates because other stuff came up or he regularly has things he “forgot about” that he has to do pronto, then it’s safe to assume that he either a.) isn’t interested in dating you, or b.) he’s too busy to devote even a little bit of his attention to you. Either way, you lose. Don’t shoot me, I’m just the messenger.

If he doesn’t…contact you first most days.
Whether we want to admit it or not, guys also get excited at the possibility of something new romantically. We get butterflies, okay?! Back off! With that in mind, remember that this particular excitement bleeds in to us wanting to talk to you (if we like you), so we do our best to contact you first. If we aren’t really interested, more than likely, you’re going to have to initiate the conversation most days. And then, it will be like pulling teeth to get us to say anything. Basically, we’re the Beast before Belle worked her magic on him.

If he does…mention other girls to or around you.
This one is tricky. If we like you, we’re going to do our best not to cause trouble. And since women are notoriously jealous creatures (yes, I said it; I regret nothing), we don’t want all the drama that would come by mentioning how cute and/or funny another girl is. If we’re not interested, it’s not a big deal to mention to our friends (read: you, honey) how that one girl in the shorts and pair of Ugg boots is kinda cute (which then causes you to act like that Carrie chick who was Jamie’s nanny, but was actually in love with Nathan, but then kidnapped Jamie at Luke’s mom’s wedding, but got away when Dan found them in that motel room, but then ALSO kidnapped Dan, drugged him and then chased him and Haley through a cornfield with an ax!! MY GOD WHAT AN AWESOME SHOW!!!!). In any case, if he’s eyeballing other chicks, it’s a safe bet that he isn’t picking up what you’re putting down.

If he doesn’t…buy and/or make you anything.
Men are notoriously bad at conveying their feelings. It’s pathetic actually. We’re afraid of being seen as weak. So how do we tell a girl we like her without actually saying those fear-ridden words? WE BUY HER STUFF. Meals, trinkets, jewelry, houses—it doesn’t matter. That’s how we prove our love. So if you’re out with a guy (even in a group of friends), and he doesn’t make it a point to at least offer to pay for your meal, there’s a good chance he only sees you as another girl who’s making googly eyes at him when you think he isn’t looking. Again, honey, I’m sorry to have to point this out…

If he does… get super weird and distant after you guys make out.
Don’t start shaking your head at me. Maybe not all of us have made out with someone we didn’t really like, but it happens. So, if you two have gotten intimate, but afterwards, you don’t hear from him or see him for a while, there’s a good chance he isn’t actually interested; he just wanted to see if he could “conquer” you (that or you’re just a really bad kisser!). I know, I know. Men are pigs. I’m with you, sweetie. We can’t all be Sully to your Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman (that’s right; I went there).

These five tips should give you a good head start on figuring out if a guy likes you or not. As always, take this advice with a miniscule grain of salt, and remember that you probably should rethink listening to a guy who has watched every single episode of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and considers Dr. Michaela Quinn his one lost love.

(I like to keep it funny on the Twitter. Follow me here. Thanks for reading, you guys!)

Relationship Q&A

As I’ve said a time or two (or seven), I am not an educated man. I don’t have a degree in relationship counseling, or a degree at all for that matter. So the answers I provide to the questions below come from my years of watching—and experiencing—failed relationships, and the simple observation of the human condition. I’m not a professional therapist, and probably never will be—although Dr. Cory does have a certain ring of awesomeness to it…

With that being said, I’m about to lay down some righteous knowledge in response to relationship questions that were emailed to me. I’d like to make this a regular feature on Mad to Love, so feel free to email me your questions. Good? Good. Here we go.

These are actual questions from actual readers. Enjoy:

Q. I dated a guy for two years, but he broke up with me in September. Would it be against guy code for one of his friends to date me?
-Anonymous

A. If I didn’t know better, I’d think this question was sent in by Barney Stinson in an attempt to get me to go against his mighty “Bro Code”. I would never, Barnacle!
Regardless, the short answer is yes. If the friend of your ex were to try to date you, issues would more than likely arise in their friendship. But then again, if he thinks you’re worth sacrificing the friendship for, he may go for it anyway.
Basically, you’re Kate Beckinsale caught in-between Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett. Congratulations!

Q. Is it bad that I actually have zero desire to date…and that I don’t believe in love even though I am a Christian?
-McKenzie

A. Comedian Kevin Hart has this saying in one of his bits that goes, “Do you, boo boo”. That’s my advice to you.
The belief in love—or lack thereof—usually comes from the situations we’ve experienced in the past. Just because you don’t believe in love now doesn’t mean your Prince Charming won’t come along and sweep you off your feet one day. And if he doesn’t, it’s your life. Believe in what you feel is right.
As far as the Christianity angle, I’d say no, it isn’t wrong because His love—which is holy and reverent—is much different from our human love. You can believe in the love of a Father without choosing to believe in the love of a man or woman.
So…do you, boo boo.

Q. Typically, guys are the ones pursuing girls romantically, as it’s appropriate and Biblical for this to be the case. But how should girls go about showing interest in a boy while maintaining dignity and without scaring them off?
-Alyssa

A. This question was also posted on the Mad to Love fanpage on Facebook earlier this week, and since the answer is pretty in-depth, I’m going to address it in a full post next week. So stay tuned.

Q. In a relationship, honesty is very important, but knowing about your partner’s past can be painful. How much should you/are you expected to reveal about your past relationships, things you’ve done, etc.? Where do you draw the line between hiding something important and TMI?
-Maria

A. Fantastic question. In my experience, honesty is always, always, ALWAYS the best policy, but that comes with a caveat. You don’t want to spill your heart—and all its secrets—on a first date when you don’t really know if that person is trustworthy yet, right? So I’ve found it’s prudent to ration out your past (mistakes and all) as the relationship develops. Start with the smaller, less impactful stuff at first, and then as you get to know your partner better, you can determine if you’re comfortable enough with them to share everything. Just use a careful dose of discretion and you should be okay.

Q. Do you advocate dating around?  I have a mentor who says you should casually date, so you know what you want in a girl, but after 19 years single, I’m pretty sure I’ve got an idea of what I’m looking for.  What are your thoughts about saving it until you think you know the girl you should be with?
-Robert

A. A male reader! Hot dang. Crap, now I don’t know what to do with my hands…
Not to go against your mentor, but I’m of the belief that all the females in the world know each other one way or another. So if you’re “dating around”, then you’re going to get labeled as a “player” or a “ladies man”. You might as well wear a sign that says, “I got the herpes”.
As you said, you have an idea of what you want, so I’d suggest only pursuing someone who really rings your bell. There’s no need in wasting a young lady’s time—or yours—if she doesn’t hit the majority of the points on your checklist.

That’ll do it for this week’s mailbag. Thanks to all those who submitted questions. Remember that you’re getting this advice from a guy who actually saw Pearl Harbor and liked it. So…you know…caution.

(Feel free to follow me on the Twitter here, and become a fan of the Mad to Love fanpage here. Thanks for reading!)

Whoa, Girl

Ohhhh, females. I feel for you. I really do. This whole life is unfair to your kind. Not only do you have to deal with that vicious monster known as the “monthly visitor”, but you also have to do the whole pregnant thing; and just those things alone are enough to drive a sane person cray-cray. Men got off so easy. You have my sympathies. Really.

But that’s not all! We men get special considerations and treatment when it comes to romance too. What happens when a man confesses his penchant for the lovely and romantic sides of life, searching for a faithful wife and eternal love? He’s considered to be a “sensitive” man who understands the needs of a woman. He’s even seen as a man that a woman would be lucky to have and to hold. But is the reverse true? No way! If a girl focuses her time and energy on finding a husband and/or love, she’s seen as “desperate” and “lonely”…maybe even “boy crazy”. Totally unfair, you guys. I’m on your side here.

This brings me to the main question of the day:
If a girl likes a guy, is it acceptable for her to pursue him?

I want to say that the answer is an easy one. I do. I wish I could—but it’s not. Why? Because some things just aren’t done, woman! Now, I know there are some of you out there that are literally spitting at the screen right now in hatred for me and my views, but stick with me. I (sometimes) know what I’m talking about (probably).

It is my deeply held belief that a woman—any woman—should be pursued. She is worthy of the attention and effort a man should provide in his pursuit of her and her heart. You may find this mindset to be archaic, but the truth is, I believe most of you would agree with me. A woman is—quite literally—a gift from God. Yet, this gift isn’t to be assumed for possession, but rather respectfully approached with deliberate concentration. It’s a gift that must be earned—just like Simba’s birthright! (No, I didn’t just compare women to The Lion King….okay, maybe I did. Moving on…)

Now, with all that being said, what happens when a young lady just isn’t getting pursued the way she wants to? THEN is it okay for her to round up the bloodhounds and set out on a hunt? Eh…

In today’s post-modern world, women are seen as equals now more than ever. Just let me warn you: men like to be pursued, but only up to a certain point. Yes, it’s cute for a girl to let a fella know she’s interested, but when she starts asking him out on specific dates, opening his door, and paying for his meals, he’s probably going to feel emasculated. It’s just man’s nature (insert Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor grunt here).

But what do you do when you think a guy is interested in you, but he’s not making a move even though you really want him to because oMg hE’s A tOtAl hOtTiE aNd YoU wAnT tO bE hIs GiRlFrAnD? You mean besides just walking up to him and saying, “Hey…I like you. Do what you want with that information” (because that’s just too embarrassing, CORY!!!)? Pull a Summer and just go make-out with your Tom in the copy room (I’M KIDDING!). It’s easy: if you’re interested, show him. Talk to him, laugh at his jokes, smile at him, etc. If a guy is halfway intelligent, he’ll pick up on your interest (‘cause you guys are totally obvious by the way—even when you think you aren’t). Hopefully, if he’s interested, he’ll make that move you’ve waited so long for. If he isn’t interested, he isn’t interested. Accept it, and focus your attention and energy elsewhere.

In the end, remember that you’re worthy of a proper pursuit. You’re worth his deliberate concentration. It’s okay for him to be the one to ask you out. It’s even okay for him to be the one to ask for a second, and a third, and a fourth date. Let him pursue you, and you’ll find out just how interested he is.

Let him pursue you, and you’ll realize just how worthy of that attention you really are.

(I like to keep it funny on the Twitter. Follow me here. Thanks for reading!)

“We Can’t Go Home Again” (a review)

You should know something about me: I’m a snob. Not the, “You don’t shop at J. Crew? OMG, I can’t look at you anymore” kind of snob, but rather the kind of snob who doesn’t watch Glee, listen to The Fray, or read Twilight. If you like those things, more power to you. They just aren’t for me. I need more than that to be impressed. I like movies you’ve never heard of and music most of my generation would discount. My snobbery is never more evident than when literature is presented.

I like books that were written when not just anyone with a laptop could be a writer. I like the kind of books that make me smile or nod knowingly from the way the author masterfully crafts his or her beautiful lines of language. I love books that stop my soul and ignite my imagination. With all of that in mind, I take recommending work fairly seriously. Forthwith, this is that.

My friend and fellow writer, Max Dubinsky, was kind enough to forward me a copy of his new book of short fictional stories entitled, “We Can’t Go Home Again”. Now, Max is a stellar writer, and one who is never afraid to say or write what he feels needs to be said; I respect that about him. But when I opened his book, I was nervous. What if I didn’t like it? What if it wasn’t for me? What if I didn’t feel right about recommending it to my friends and/or readers? I’m glad to say that those questions were answered within the first paragraph. Mad Max does not disappoint.

Laid bare within the six short stories of “We Can’t Go Home Again” are bits and pieces of the author—it’s hard not to see that. But more so, he’s constructed these wonderfully broken characters that somehow make you relate to whatever situation they’re facing. No, you may not have shared in their particular story, but there is a piece of all of us within these hopeless heroes.*

Using a writing style that I can only describe as “beautifully stripped down”, Max takes the time to put his characters through their harrowed paces, weaving and breaking them around the people and places they face and conquer (the story “31 Days in May” makes you feel like J.D. Salinger allowed Holden Caulfield to keep on writing). Love, doubt, hope, peace, acceptance…it’s all here within the pages of these simple, yet breathtaking stories. It takes a lot to impress me, but Max Dubinsky did it in 93 pages.

Now, here’s the best part: this wonderful work of Max’s is available right this second for 99 cents. That’s right. If you so choose, you can buy his mighty work of fiction—consisting of six tear-inducing stories—for less than the cost of burrito. I humbly ask that you take the time to support such a striking work from this gifted writer. You’ll be glad you did.

You can buy “We Can’t Go Home Again” through iBooks here and Amazon here.

You can also read Max’s blog here and follow him on Twitter here.

Show your support of a worthy project. It’s more than worth your time.

*I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that there is a smattering of colorful language throughout Max’s book. Maybe that kind of thing bothers you, maybe it doesn’t. I just felt the need for a simple warning.

(Follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for reading.)

It Takes Three

I wrote a book once; it was even published. This particular book covered the beginning, middle, and ultimate demise of my relationship and marriage to my ex-wife. The story wasn’t an easy one to tell, but I felt it was necessary so that others could side-step the mistakes I made in that relationship, and—hopefully—avoid an ending to their marriage or relationship like the brutal one I experienced. The book served its purpose, I suppose. Yet, though it contained multiple lessons on what to do or not to do within the workings of dating and a relationship, one chapter has stuck with me as a constant through the relationships I’ve had since that disastrous first one. That particular lesson? It takes three to make a relationship work.

As humans, we were meant to be partnered up. God set up a system of partnerships between men and women so that we could assist each other—one fulfilling the missing pieces of the other and vice versa. It’s our natural disposition (for the most part) to want to share our life with someone. It’s a craving to some, and a need for others. Regardless, when a certain someone catches our eye, it’s that naturalized inclination of love and domestication that makes us pursue them and, ultimately, enter into a relationship with that person—it’s what we do. Yet through our pursuit of the other sex, I believe we sometimes forget that no matter how well we fit together with our partner, the relationship won’t work as well as it could or should unless we also include a third, more important faction—the presence of a holy Father.

It’s possible for a man and woman to make a relationship work without God. It’s not what most Christians want to hear, but the truth remains that marriages have survived without either party being inclined to follow the teachings of Jesus. However, if you’re in a relationship and you’re going to be facing the things a normal relationship faces, why would you choose to do so without a type of safety net to guarantee your success. God can be that safety net if we’ll allow Him. I’m not inferring that Christians never get divorced; I myself am proof of the opposite. But if we’ve chosen to follow our Christian beliefs in every other part of our life, why should we discount and limit His presence within the confines of our relationship? I say we shouldn’t.

The truth is that God is the great Architect of our lives. He’s the great Wizard behind the shiny purple curtain of life. If He’s led us to meet and love another person, we shouldn’t ignore His will from then on. We should include His work and will in every facet of our romantic relationship. He always has our best interest at heart; why would the intricacies of our relationship be any different?

Let us allow God to envelope us so that He isn’t a part of our relationship, but rather, our relationship is a part of Him. Doing so will allow us to truly pursue eternal happiness with our partner and our God. What more could we ask for?

You can follow me on Twitter here. If you’d like to email me, you can do so at Cory@MadtoLove.com. Thank you for reading.

Know When it’s a “No”

Excuses come in all shapes and sizes…just like the people who give them. And when the excuse is being utilized to end a relationship or to turn someone down, sometimes they aren’t exactly the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help them God if you know what I mean.

So how do you know when that guy or girl you’re crushing on is telling you the truth about why they’re breaking up with you or why they won’t be joining you for that couples retreat to Vermont? Some times you can’t! People are good liars (*cough*especially women*cough*)!

However, there are 5 ready-made excuses that seem to be used quite a bit. And honestly, they ain’t too truthful. With that in mind, I present to you the true meaning behind the five most used excuses for breaking up with someone/turning them down. I’ll be answering for the guys, and as an added bonus, my girlfriend, Kayla (that’s right, I have a girlfriend! And she’s real!), will be providing the answers for the chicas. It only seemed fair since I’ve pretty much used up all the knowledge I had on the species that is the wily female.

Okay, as the Joker said, “Here…we…go”:

1. “I need to get closer to God”
Kayla: She probably means, “And by ’God’, I mean the unknown chasm of time in which I’m single because I haven’t found someone I like enough to unsinglelize me. Yes, that IS a word.”
Note: To give you some perspective, I was on a “dating fast” when I started talking to Cory. Not only did I forget this endeavor, but I literally just remembered it right now. My point exactly.
Cory: He means, “YOU ARE SUFFOCATING ME I’VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP BEFORE I DIE OF MONOGAMY”

2. “I only see you as a friend”
Kayla: She means, “I only see you as not being my boyfriend. But speaking of boys, do you have any cute friends?”
Cory: He means, “I’m sure you’re great and all but you’re not hot/smart/cool/funny enough for me to make you my significant other.”
Note: Kayla tried this one on me, but I bugged her until she gave in. WINNING!

3. “I’m not really looking to date anyone right now”
Kayla: She means, “I might call you if I don’t want to go to the mall alone or if I need to make another guy jealous.”
Note: This is an excuse we give if we don’t exactly want to date you, but we don’t mind your name showing up in our inbox… or you paying when we go to Chick-fil-A (#1 with a sweet tea, please).
Cory: He means, “You’re too sensitive for me to put you in the friend zone, so I’m gonna blame it on me so you won’t feel bad.”
Note: This is a remix on the classic, “It’s not you, it’s me…” routine.

4. “I really just need to focus on me right now”
Kayla: Oh, because she can’t multitask? This is our way of saying no without actually saying “NO”. Walk away and find someone that can do two things at once—basically any other female than the one that just gave you that lame excuse.
Cory: “I’m looking to get with as many chicks as possible, and you do not fit the criteria, baby cakes. Sorry. Now…kick rocks”

5. “We can date without really having a title. How ‘bout that?”
Kayla: She means, “I want to make out with you and never call you again….unless it’s to make out with you again.”
Cory: Actually, just see the above answer. Sometimes men and women CAN think alike. IT’S A FESTIVUS MIRACLE!!

That’ll do it for this round of “tRaNsLaTiOnS”. Have some to add of your own? Add ‘em in the comments! And remember: if these don’t actually turn out to be true, that’s what you get for listening to the guy (and gal) who frequently forgets that Patrick Swayze has passed on (how awesome was Roadhouse, you guys? Right?!). RIP Crazy Swayze

You can follow Kayla on Twitter here (she’s about a million times funnier than I am).

Follow me on Twitter here, and as always, thank you for reading!

The Mailbag

Firstly, I want to thank all of those who sent in questions for this week’s mailbag. I’m going to try to do these every other week until y’all get sick of them, so if you have questions on relationship, God, life, love…anything, I’ll do my best to answer them. I don’t have all the answers, but I’ve experienced enough to give a small measure of guidance.

If you’d like to submit a question(s), send them to Questions@MadtoLove.com. I’ll try to answer each question, regardless if they make the post or not.

As always, these are real questions from actual readers. Enjoy:

Q. What are your thoughts on online dating?
-Rachel

A. Isn’t pretty much everything online dating at this point? With dating sites, Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace (LOLjk) berating us at all turns, it’s hard not to at least conduct some of your relationship on an online forum. Heck, I met my current girlfriend through this very blog (desperate much, Kayla? GEEZ!).
As far as specific dating sites, I say go for it. Some consider online dating as something less than genuine, but I can see the stigma of meeting on the internet slowly dissipating. We’re able to meet people in other states much easier these days and that’s a good thing. So if you’re comfortable with it, go for it!

Q. Do you have any tips on getting out of the “friend zone”?
-Morgan

A. I got at least four questions about being in/getting out of the “friend zone”, so I’m going to dedicate an entire post to it next week. Stay tuned.
That or just watch the ADORABLE Ryan Reynolds in the hilarious romcom, “Just Friends”. It’ll jiggle your giggle box (I’m sorry I even typed that…).

Q. Is it wrong for me to date a guy who isn’t necessarily a Christian even though I know I won’t marry him? Is it wrong to not date someone unless they love the Lord if I’m just “young and having fun”?
-Nathalie

A. Dating used to be a precursor to marriage. Now? I don’t know what the fruitcake is going on.  However, I do know that if you’re dating “just for fun”, someone (either you or them) is likely to get hurt. So be cautious and make sure you’re both on the same page. There’s no need for a heart to get broken if it can be helped.

Q. My longtime boyfriend and I took a break around our one year anniversary. During this time, he lost his virginity to a girl he only knew for three weeks (I’m a Christian and still a virgin). We’re back together now, but my question is how can I forgive him and let it go completely?   He says he regrets it and wishes he had waited for me. We have talked about marriage, so I want to put this in the past. Thoughts?

A. Hurt happens in every relationship. I realize that you two are dealing with something fairly “heavy”, but whether the pain is big or small, forgiveness is needed. Do you actually want to forgive him? If so, it will take time, and you’ll need to pray about it…but time really does heal all wounds.
If he “messes up” again, then it wasn’t a mistake, and he probably doesn’t respect you.
The truth is, if you want to be in the relationship and work things out, you have that option. It’s your choice. If you truly believe he’s sorry, work on forgiving and building up your trust in him. It won’t be easy, of course, but it is possible.

Q. I hear people talk about one ideally entering a relationship if they have everything figured out, if they are a “whole and healthy person”. But I don’t see what use a relationship is if one is whole and healthy and has it all figured out. Isn’t loneliness a response to the need in all of us to depend on and be with another person?
-Mandy

A. I wrote about this subject sometime back, so I’ll post the link and just say this: when we allow ourselves to enter into a new relationship while we are still broken or hurting from the past one(s), then that brokenness has the tendency to weigh our new relationship down. It’s better to be healed of all past pain before starting something fresh.
Read my full thought on the subject here.

Q. Everyone has a time of singleness. Is it bad to think of the future during that time, or should you stay solely focused on making the most of your time single? Other blogs I’ve read have given me mixed opinions. What’s your take?
-Ashley

A. It’s my opinion that it’s not necessarily a bad thing to aim your thoughts toward a relationship while single; just don’t obsess over it. Really, it’s relative to the individual. Some enjoy being single (pArTy PeOpLe!!) and focus solely on that; others want—or even need—to be in a relationship, so that’s where their focus is. The heart wants what the heart wants (and the heart WANTS CHOCOLATE DANGIT!)

That’ll do it for this week’s mailbag. Agree? Disagree? Let me know by leaving a comment. And remember: if I’m wrong, that’s what you get for listening to a guy who once burned his underwear in an Illinois oil field (true story).

I try to keep it funny on the Twitter. Follow me here. I appreciate you taking the time to read my work. It honestly means the world to me.

The One (by Cobo Copeland)

Today marks the second installment of my round of guest posts. Each post is centered on something the author has learned from relationships. This post is extra special because it comes from my own brother, Cobo.
Cobo doesn’t believe in social media, so leave your comments for him here on Mad to Love.
You can follow me on Twitter here. As always, thank you so much for reading.
-Cory 

 

I thought she was the one. I really did. I thought it was going to be me and her at that altar this coming April; me and her borrowing that cute house from the bank; me and her raising our son, Ebb (right?!), to be a funny, compassionate, non-phony independent voter. But, sadly, it is not.

I made some foolish decisions, and those decisions let her know I wasn’t THAT into her. But dang it if I wasn’t. I was way into her…more so than any girl I’ve ever met, much less dated. So she ran with what I gave her, and who could blame her? No girl that valuable is going to sit around, waiting for some hipster doofus to stop acting “cool” and as if he couldn’t care less. I was an idiot.

She got tired of waiting, and then she got over me. She told me it took a while, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Knowing that someone you cherish had to force themselves to move on from you is a pretty painful thing to accept. And I even kind of lived with it for a few years—until I heard she got engaged. A ton of weight was immediately added to my mind. There’s no way she goes through with it, I told myself. Did she move along so far that she’ll be out of my reach forever? I can’t buy that.

When you’re in love with someone, you can convince yourself of anything. I can change her mind; make her see that she made a mistake; make her see that I’m sorry. Problem with that is, this ain’t a movie or a sitcom. People make those heavy decisions, and they don’t back out of them easily—especially when so much is involved. But then I got to thinking. What other choice do I have? She is the one, I know it. I’m as sure of this as I am that George will one day win a post-humous Emmy. I refuse to call her the “one that got away”, mainly because that’s a Katie Perry song, but also because she’s not getting away from me. Not no way, not no how. I can’t let it happen.

You know what? I’m so psyched right now!  I can’t help but feel that maybe some of you are in the same situation. Did you let that one get away too? Then what on earth are we waiting for?! Seriously…

End of the world scenario: I don’t want to be without her. Period.
Revelation: you’re coming with me. We’re going to get in my mom’s car, blast Gavin DeGraw’s “Not Over You”, and freaking do something about it!

Who’s with me? S’go.

The Friend Zone

There is a place—a treacherous place—where the soul is sucked dry and the will to live is exhausted beyond comprehension. I’m talking about a place that breaks a man’s wits into kindling and moves a woman to deeply consider the nunnery. I speak of a barren waste of space that no right-minded person would willingly go, yet there it remains—thriving and populated to its brim. This place of which I speak could only be…The Friend Zone.

All dramatics aside, The Friend Zone is not a pleasant place to be—despite Ryan Reynolds comedic attempt to convince us otherwise. We have feelings for someone (“liking” them, caring for them, maybe even loving them, etc.), and yet, they refuse to see us as a viable romantic option. They only see us as a friend, and therefore, we’re regulated to an area of their life that is neither hot nor cold. We are thankful to be in their life whatever the role, but it’s not enough to satisfy our wants and needs for something—anything—more.

So, if we are indeed camping out in The Friend Zone while still possessing the hopes and dreams of one day being more, how do we break free from the chains of “friendship” and conquer what we want? In my humblest of opinions (ahh, who am I kidding? I’m awesome), there are only a certain number of ways to remove yourself from such a dastardly position.

Here are a few options:

Tell them how you feel, plainly and with NO room for misinterpretation.
This is a tricky maneuver because if your one true love doesn’t feel the same way, they’ll either blatantly reject you (so very painful. I started crying just thinking about it) or give you an excuse as to why you two can’t be together “right now” (which we covered here)…which only allows false hope to flourish.
On the flip side, this option has the most potential for a brilliant payoff because what if they feel the same way, but think YOU have put THEM in The Friend Zone (you crazy kids!)?! How does this happen? Because we’re all much too good at hiding our feelings these days, and that leads to many, many, many misunderstandings (see: any sitcom and/or romantic comedy from the last 20 years).
If you really care about the person, it’s worth a chance and I say go for it. Godspeed.

Cut off all contact and hope you get over them in a timely manner.
This option is to be utilized only when the fear of rejection outweighs the purported value a relationship would hold. Maybe you don’t feel like putting yourself out there to be hurt that way (I honestly don’t blame you), but you also can’t stand to be stuck in The Friend Zone anymore. If that’s the case, do your best to distance yourself from them and hopefully it won’t take you long to get over this person you were crushing so hard on.

Say nothing and remain were you are.
Some decide that taking what they can get from the person they’re so crazy about is good enough, so they stay where they are—numbing their tongue and carrying on with their befuddled soul. I call this option “The Betty” because of the way Betty Cooper used to pine after Archie even though he was crazy about Veronica (for the record, I’m #teamVeronica on this issue), but never made a move to be something more; she always just took what she could get from him and hoped he’d see the light one day. He didn’t.
This particular option is a tragic thing to watch, but it’s viable all the same. Just don’t ever expect to be fully happy and/or content if you remain in a place where you are left continuously unsatisfied.

While these are just a sampling of actions to take once we’ve been placed in The Friend Zone and wish to break free, it’s important to remember that we choose our own steps in our relationships, as well as in life. If you’re in The Friend Zone and don’t wish to be, do something about it.
And remember, if these suggestions don’t work out, that’s what you get for listening—you know what? No…this is DANG good advice and I stand by it proudly.

Carry on!

I like to keep it funny on the Twitter. Follow me here. As always, thank you for reading. It means so very much to me.

My Wavering Christianity

There’s a popular quote that says something to the effect of, “A man’s character is proven when no one’s watching…” (I’m paraphrasing dramatically of course). And while this saying is prevalent in learning and becoming a good, sound person, I can’t help but apply its meaning directly to my own Christianity. Am I a Christian all the time or only when I’m being watched and/or presenting myself to the public (Twitter, Facebook, MadtoLove.com, etc.)? Should the two even be differentiated?

If you were to take my entire life—public and private moments alike—and spread it wide for inspection, all while possessing no preconceived notions of my past or who I am as a person, if you judged my life simply on the acts I’ve committed, the language I’ve used, the things I’ve allowed my mind and heart to consume…would you be willing to say that I was a Christian? That I was indeed Christ-like more often than not? Honestly, I’m not so sure you could—and that wounds me.

Though I lay claim to the label of “Christian” and do my best to represent our Holy Father to the best of my abilities (most of the time), the truth is, I mess up; I mess up a lot. I sin. And I sin willingly. Yet, most of this is done in private, when I am alone and away from an eager audience. Does this make me less of a Christian? Does my wavering devotion to a Christ-filled life lessen my initial claim of Christianity? Thankfully, because of His mercy and forgiveness, I don’t believe it does. However, there is something to be said for a lack of consistency when our Christianity comes in to question.

If our character is proven most when we are alone, then our Christianity should also be applied to this principle. Yes, our example as a disciple of Christ is a worthwhile witness to what He’s done to and for us, but it is within those quiet hours of solitude that our heart is put to its most profound test. Do we remain a shining prophet of renewed beginnings and forthright hope, or do we retreat to devilish ways, conducting ourselves as we wish with little thought to the salvation we’ve been provided? Hopefully, we find the courage to only entertain thoughts of the former.

Alone or accompanied, hidden or found, our Christianity should remain the same—vibrant, powerful, changing. It’s our calling and constant charge; something we—myself, more than most—would do well to remember.

You can follow me on Twitter here. Thank you for reading.

Do Soulmates Exist?

I wish you could’ve met my grandfather. He was an amazing man who was effortlessly cool like James Dean or Kerouac’s Moriarty. He worked tirelessly in the oil fields for over thirty years, and did so with a proud but quiet dignity. He wasn’t a complainer, nor was he lazy. My grandpa was a man I can proudly call “hero”. He gave continuously to his job, his church, his family, and—especially—his wife; doting on her and loving her with everything he was as a man and a provider. When I sit and consider the true love every one of us hopes to experience, the way my grandfather loved my grandmother is what comes to my mind. If there ever were soulmates, they were it.

And that’s why I feel torn. The intellectual side of me realizes that there are over 6 billion people in the world, so the belief that there is exactly one person for me and exactly one person for you seems almost impossible. The numbers do not support the theory. It’s all too random.
But then, I turn romantic and deeply want to believe that only one woman can complete me the way I desire; only one woman can give me all that I need, and I to her in return. That seems lovely and rather perfect, I suppose. That true love exists for me and only her, is something which sparks the imagination and heightens the senses of the soul.

And yet, what of those who never marry? Was their disappointment in never being married simply their own fault for not being in the right place at the right time? Are those people really punished and destined to lead a less-than-happy existence simply because they never happened to meet the one person who could bring the happiness of true, everlasting love? I can’t bring myself to accept that either.

Perhaps love is a gamble we take. Perhaps soulmates don’t really exist, but the closest thing to it can be the connection you feel with the one person who “gets” you. Maybe our choosing to be with that person, to be theirs and only theirs for as long as either of us is breathing, is as close to having a soulmate as we’ll ever get. Perhaps love is a choice we make. Perhaps love is not found in a person, but rather a journey we take with another.

Do soulmates exist? Honestly, I don’t know. But love does.

And maybe that’s enough.

You can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for reading!

Christmas Love

I used to love Christmas. I really did. It was wonderful. Throughout the season, my two brothers and I would stay up late, waiting for it to snow even though we knew it wouldn’t (growing up in Texas has that one disadvantage). The Christmas season laced the air with magic and you could feel it all around. Despite the fact that we weren’t a wealthy family, my parents somehow always found a way to give abundantly to all three of us. Christmas used to be a time when I felt hope and joy and lovely things. Now, as I’ve grown older, it barely means more than a slowed down pace and few days off from work. I guess that’s what happens as you grow older. As Vonnegut would say, “So it goes…”

It’s well documented that although Christmas is supposedly a good and wholesome time of year, more suicides are committed during the month of December than any other month. I can’t help but believe the explanation for such a shocking statistic is that some people feel more lonely now than they do any other time of the year. Maybe they don’t have family to be with during this time of the year; maybe they’re estranged from their loved ones, so Christmas is spent sitting alone and pondering the meaning of existence. Whatever the reason, cattycornered to the moments of family and love and sharing most of us will (thankfully) get to experience this Christmas, there are those who are doing all they can simply to survive. Today, I write for them.

In the past, I’ve chronicled my ongoing bout with depression, and though I can relate to the darkened feelings and perpetual grief that may be circling you this holiday season, the truth is that I have a family and friends to share my times with; I have the option to not be alone. Some of you do not have that option. And as easy as it would be for me to spout multiple clichés on what the Reason for the season is and so forth, it’s unlikely that such played-out phrasing will make you feel any better. So allow me to simply say this:

You are loved.

No matter what you’re going through or how down you feel, tomorrow is a new day, brimming with the potential for salvation; salvation from life and salvation from self. I’ve been there and I wish I could tell you there is a one-time fix for everything you wish you weren’t feeling—but there isn’t. Keep breathing, keep living, and keep marching on. Even though these times may be dark and you may feel as if tomorrow holds no hope, I argue that help is near if you choose to pursue it.

I realize things may not be ideal, and the loneliness of the holidays can weigh heavy on your soul, but there are options for you to consider. Most churches will have staff on-call to take your call should you need someone to talk to. There are programs in your community where those who don’t have anyone to share the season with can gather and experience Christmas together. I know these options aren’t the same as a loving and supportive family, but something is better than nothing, I suppose.

If all else fails, and at the very least, you have me. If you’re struggling this Christmas season—or anytime at all—and need someone to talk to, please feel free to give me a shout. My email address is Cory@MadtoLove.com. I can’t physically be there with you and I’m sorry for that, but I will do my best to listen and understand what it is you’re going through. It’s why I’m here after all.

Lastly, I want to say a very hearty thank you to all those who have read and supported me this year. It’s a wonderful feeling to have your dream and calling supported the way you guys have done for me…so thank you. I love you guys.

Merry Christmas,
-C

You can follow me on Twitter here.

Changing Who You Are

It’s no secret that I’ve had my (and your) fair share of relationships. I’ve been a husband, a boyfriend, a lover, and a plaything (not all at once, mind you…). I’ve fought for relationships that didn’t want to be saved, and I’ve given up on couplings that maybe just needed more effort. I’ve broken hearts and I’ve had my heart broken. Yet, as I look back over what went wrong during those times, a certain gleam of something relative and familiar catches my eye. It’s not that there wasn’t attraction or chemistry—the opposite is usually true. No, instead, one related seam runs through the entirety of my relationships: regardless if it was their fault or mine, I was hardly ever allowed to be myself.

Looking back, it’s easy for me to place blame wherever I please. It makes me look better if it was her fault and not mine. But the truth is, often times, I would change who I was to accommodate a female simply so she would like me. She didn’t ask me to do this, nor did she encourage it, but nevertheless, I was a contrite version of myself—some far-flung caricature of what I could or should be. It wasn’t right. In all honesty, it was a lie. Yet, in other instances, I wasn’t enough for her and the desires she held for a partner. As said in A Knight’s Tale, “You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. Come back when you’re worthy.” It wasn’t easy to feel such rejection, but that fateful tossing away eventually led me to a place where I am found happy and content—a place where I am accepted.

The truth is this: though we want companionship and a lasting forever with someone, it is in our best interest to find someone who will accept us for who we are, for who we will always be. This belief seems elementary, yet enough relationships have floundered simply because one partner or the other was found to be inadequate. Is it because a charade was perpetrated? Perhaps. In a time when rejection is felt deepest, it’s simply too easy for us to pretend to be someone we are not—someone we believe will be more readily accepted and even loved.

I can say with certainty that I am finally in a relationship where I am encouraged to be who I am and to do so fully. She understands that I like stupid movies and a dirty joke every now and then. She supports my wanting to write full time (something that was harshly discouraged in former relationships) and she understands that there’s a bit of madness to me; a madness that requires time to myself every now and again. Part of this relational success is because she’s a wonderful woman, while the other part is my coming to the realization that I deserve someone who wants me for me; nothing more, nothing less.

It’s imperative to remember that although a relationship is a nice enough complement to our life, it isn’t the end all, be all of our existence…especially if having a relationship means changing who we are to meet the expectations of another. It’s in that weakening of our self-worth when mistakes are made and hearts can be broken.

More than ever before, be who you are, and rightfully require that a potential partner accept you fully. With that solidified fortitude, a fulfilled forever is not only possible, but readily available.

You can follow me on Twitter here. Thank you for taking the time to read.

How to Make Her Feel Special: Part 2

I like to think I would’ve enjoyed being born in the 30’s or 40’s. How simple things seemed to be, how people dressed, and how inexpensive everything was. That all seems wonderful to me; but then I remember they didn’t have iPhones or Twitter back then and I quickly change my mind.

Actually, now that I think about it, what I like most about those years are the movies. In films from that era, men seemed to know how to treat women. Doors were opened, chairs were pulled, and hands were softly kissed—it all seems so lovely. And yet, watching Mad Men ruins the belief as a whole. Thanks a lot, Draper!

Regardless of how things really were, the truth remains that women deserve to be treated special. As I stated in Part 1 of this guide, I believe I know how to treat a lady, and even though my “expertise” comes at a price (failed relationships aplenty HI-OH!), I think it’s important to share such specific knowledge.

Forthwith, I’d like to present to you Part 2 of my guide on “How to Make Her Feel Special”. Most of these will seem rather simple, but women appreciate a simple gesture if it’s done with the right motives.

Okay, here we go:

Hold Her Hand
I’m going to tell you a secret, but you can’t tell my girlfriend: I do not like holding hands. I KNOW, RIGHT? But it’s nothing to do with the girl; it’s because my hands get sweaty pretty easily. What girl likes to get sweat dripped on her (don’t answer that)?
However, holding hands with a female shows her that you’re there for her, that you’re acknowledging her presence, and most important of all, that you’re proud to be seen with her.
Hold her hand unexpectedly (in a non-creepy way) and I guarantee she’ll smile. Do it to it.

Take Pictures with Her
Most dudes grimace at the thought of having their pictures taken. Why? Because we don’t enjoy being seen doing feminine things and having your picture taken is considered as such.
But, if you’ll pose with her when she asks, not only will she be happy because you did as you were told (don’t try to deny it, women), but it’ll show her that you don’t mind being captured in a moment with her for forever. It’ll mean something special to her and that in turn, will make her feel special. Win/win.

Make Her Something
Any schmuck can buy things with money. But giving her something you made with your own two hands? She’ll melt right there on the spot. And that, my friend, is a good thing.
Plus, you don’t want to be the guy who inspires the next Taylor Swift-esque hit song, “He Never Made Me Nothin’ (And So the Tears Fall on My Mandolin)”. It’s coming…just don’t be the guy that causes it. Please. I’m begging you.

Send Her Flowers Where People Can See Her Get Them
Women like to feel superior to other women (they can deny it all they want but it’s true and they know it). So if you make a point of sending flowers to her at work or school, other women have to sit there and watch her be fawned over by her sweet boyfriend/guy-she’s-talking-to/guy-who-wants-to-be-more-but-she’s-not-sure-how-she-feels-about-him-just-yet, and this is an incredible feeling for her. She can pretend to be humble like, “OMG, he’s such a sweetheart!” when she’s really thinking, “SUCK IT, LADIES BWAAHAHAHA!”
(this will probably cause a keying of my car, but I stand by my beliefs. I regret nothing.)

Introduce Her to Your Parents and/or Friends
It’s rather simple: females like to feel appreciated and worthy of praise. A super easy way to do that? Introduce her to the people you care about. Let her meet your parents, have her hangout with you and your friends, or take her to church/your AA meeting. This lets her know that not only do you care about her, but you’re proud of the woman she is—proud enough to let the people in your life know that she’s with you. This will do wonders for the relationship…unless your mom hates her. Then you’ve got problems and we need to talk about extradition to Cuba or something.

These 5 simple tips should do the trick in making your lady friend feel special. If they don’t, either she’s REALLY hard to please or you shouldn’t be listening to a guy who once bought a girl a brush with a built in mirror as a birthday gift (I was 13 but still…).

I like to keep it funny on the Twitter, so follow me here. Thanks for reading!

I Don’t Pray

I don’t pray.

I’m a Christian—at least I claim to be—who doesn’t make a concerted effort to speak with the One whom he calls Savior. The saddest part of this confession is that not only do I realize that I don’t pray, but I also realize why I don’t pray.

It’s because I’m terrified of losing control of my own life—or what I feel is control. I feel that if I pray and become closer to God, then the decisions I’ve made for the future will be voided due to His will overtaking my own desires and dreams. I mean, what if they don’t match up and I’m not able to do what I want? And although I realize from the teachings I’ve heard all my life that His will and ways are infinitely wiser and better for me, I still choose to hold onto my own starving determination to do what I want to. Sure, at church or in a praying group, I bow my head and utter a few sparse words, but rarely—if ever—do I break myself down to my barest of emotions and truly seek the face of God. I know that I need to do this and that I need to do this on a steady basis—but I don’t.

Yesterday signaled the start of a new year, and even as I try to stay away from the prototypical “fresh beginning” type of post, I know that this change is needed in my life. I should be praying and seeking God’s will for my life; I’ll be happier and more fulfilled if I did so. It only takes me deciding to toss away my old stubborn ways and choosing to chase after Him; through prayer, through fasting, through supplication.

New year or not, I can and should be a better Christian.

And that begins with prayer.

You can follow me on Twitter here. Thank you for reading.

Hakuna Matata

Is there a certain type of person that just grates on your nerves? There’s one that drives me crazy in a way I’m not proud of (actually, there are about seven types of people that do that, but…you know…hakuna matata). And no matter where I go or what I do, they’re always around. It’s like they’re the zombies and I’m the last dude on earth. Yes, that’s exactly what they are; they’re zombies—the zombies of negativity.

It’s pretty easy for me to get down and depressed; it’s just how I am. A rainy day? I’m basically dragging the floor with my bottom lip and wishing for the sweet release of death (I’m being dramatic, but you get the idea). However, to combat this inherent cloudiness, I’ve conditioned myself to see the bright side of almost every situation. It’s necessary that I do this for my own mental health. Hey, if I’m alive and breathing, things can always get worse so thankful I shall remain. Yet, no matter how positive we try to be, there are still those people who make a coherent choice to focus on the negative in whatever situation they’re in. It’s almost as if these folks feed off the negativity of life—and that drives me mad. (like T.I. says, “…it makes me wanna melt they face away…” true story). I don’t see the point of picking out the negative aspects of a truly wonderful life simply so you’ll have something to complain about. It baffles me.

The truth is that there are so many good things about this life. I can name 100 right now (Starbursts candy, Zach Galifianakis, water slides, Friends reruns, etc.). Why should we choose to zero in on the bad things when the good so handily outweighs the bad? I understand there’s a need for us to be realistic and aware of the severity of our situations; it’s something I do myself. But if we choose to find the good in life—and each other—rather than the bad, then it will be a happier and more fulfilled existence for each of us. Moods will be lighter, smiles will be brighter, and hugs will feel sweeter. What’s bad about any of that? Nothing, I say!

Allow ourselves to focus on the positive over the negative, and those complaining zombies can’t touch us—no matter how bad we want to shoot them in the face.

You can follow me on Twitter here. As always, thanks for reading.

Oh, Sex

As I’ve mentioned a time or two, I created a website called ToMyFutureSpouse.com where men and women can write anonymous love notes to their future spouse. It’s adorable. Really. Anyway, through the last 18 months, I’ve noticed that a certain type of note creeps through the inbox every now and then. It varies depending on the sender, but the message is basically this, “Do what I want, when I want, and I’ll reward you with sex”. This type of thinking infuriates me beyond normal comprehension…and not because I’m a man who’s been in that type of relationship (it is incredibly frustrating, but I’ll save that for another time). I get that sex is fun and awesome and that’s what she said, but to reduce the physical act of love down to a reward? No, no, no…no.

I’ve written before concerning my stance on sex and its role—or lack thereof—in my life, so I’ll spare you the repeating of myself. However, it seems that the more our world develops and progresses, the more convoluted the act of sex becomes. It’s an act of love, but then it’s broken down to simply a reward. It’s an act of fulfillment, but then it’s a weapon. It’s a means of procreation, but then it’s something dirty and filled with filth. It’s something beautiful and lovely, but then it’s an addiction that requires extensive therapy. To you and to me, sex is all this and more. So how do we understand what it is if it’s constantly changing?

To combat an issue is to accept that it’s a problem in the first place. Sex may be all the things mentioned above, but its basis—its beginning—comes from a place of giving. It was meant to be a beautiful exercise (no pun intended) between man and wife so that they may feel connected and loved by one another in a way that supersedes their relative nature. Yet, due to our decadent and humanistic ways, we’ve turned it into merely an establishment of surrender and enjoyment. That which was supposed to come solely from a place of love and acceptance has been transformed into something that has become twisted and even weaponized. It’s within that fallen transformation where our generation has lost its way.

Discounting sex and its repercussions is a choice. Whether agreeing with the Biblical stance of “MARRIAGE ONLY” or not, the truth remains that disrespecting the act of sex so that it merely becomes whatever it chooses to be in our lives is a dangerous method of living. And although the choice to indulge or not is one’s own, it’s imperative to examine just what form the act of sex has taken in our lives.

If we’re wise enough to hold love—the emotional and physical aspects of it alike—in the place of reverence it was intended, we’ll dissuade ourselves from falling victim to trivial desires, which means less regret and disappointment.

Sex can be anything we allow it to be; choosing for it to be what we want is where the victory lies.

You can find me on Twitter here. Thanks for taking the time to read!

Modesty vs. Feminism

Yesterday I posted a tweet that said, “Ladies, dressing provocatively not only discounts how you’re viewed, but it also attracts a lesser type of man. Modesty is hot. I promise.” Now, while a majority of the response was positive, there were a number of people who took offense to my message—even to the point of reckless accusations and my being called offensive names. Why? Apparently the tweet was viewed as archaic and even offensive to the feminism of some women—and men. And as much as I’d like to defend myself against the naysayers, I feel the stance I’ve taken through my writing is sufficient enough to prove where I stand on the subject of women and their independence.

While reading through the replies to my tweet, there seemed to be a special type of venom behind the words of some of the women. They appeared to be offended that I was suggesting they should only dress a certain way, and doing otherwise would result in their freedom as women becoming forfeited. To me, they were implying that modesty goes against their hard earned feminism. Yet, why do feminism and modesty have to be on opposite ends of the spectrum? Why are they unable to co-exist?

It’s no secret that men—for the most part—are attracted to copious amounts of skin being flashed by the opposite sex. It’s carnal and animalistic, but it’s just the way we are; we’re conquerors. Yet, to my knowledge, a Godly man isn’t necessarily going to chase after a woman who is provocatively dressed; we’re going to pursue the one who is dressed to match her virtues and beliefs. We want a good girl, just as they want a good guy. However, a woman is free to dress anyway she wants. Not only is it a legitimate right, but it’s also a non-verbal way of describing herself as a woman and a person. But is it anti-feminist to dress in a way that attracts the type of man you would like to have in your life? Absolutely not. It’s a choice every woman has.

Feminism is the pursuit of independence for women from the stereotypes and cookie cutter ways of yesteryear. It’s about freedom and the availability of choices that should be accepted by all. Feminism is about equality. So if a man can choose to dress the way he wants to attract the type of woman he wants, why can’t a woman?

Women should be able to do whatever they set their mind to, and in that vein of belief, there’s a place for the coexistence of feminism and modesty. Like everything, it’s a balance. But it’s a balance that’s possible simply because it’s an option a woman has.

Modesty and feminism aren’t enemies; they’re comrades.

It’s time we began to treat them that way.

You can follow me on the Twitter here. Thank you for reading.
My debut novel “These Were the Nights” will be available everywhere this spring.

Be Loved

Much ado is made about love these days. Movies, songs, television shows, even commercials (every kiss begins with “K”, in case you weren’t aware…); love is everywhere. Finding love, keeping love, showing love, giving love…apparently love is trying to choke us to death simply to prove that it exists; and honestly, that’s fine. Love is a wonderful thing and every person should be blessed enough to experience it. But what of those who’ve had a less than desirable experience and as a result feel unworthy of accepting love into their lives? What about those who fling their Ben & Jerry’s at the TV when jewelry commercials dance across their screen because they can’t stand to see another handsome couple kiss?

It’s widely accepted that relationships are a gamble. We allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable with another person in the hopes of finding our forever; sometimes this works out for the best, but other times, we are left alone and broken. We took a chance on finding love and were hurt because of it. When this happens, it’s easy to allow bitterness to set in our hearts. We made that gamble once and because we were so badly hurt, we’d rather not open ourselves up to such punishment again. It’s understandable. I’ve been there; it’s why I’ve found myself empty of feeling and on a shameful path of strange bedfellows and lost morals. You may have been there as well (though I pray you’ve been spared for the most part). Yet, with the prevalence of love surrounding us in a taunting dance, it’s fairly simple to fall back into wanting to feel that connection again. We’re drawn to feeling completed within the folds of another. It’s only when we realize the risk associated with falling for someone new that we hesitate in taking a fresh leap of faith. And within that hesitation, we can find ourselves missing legitimate opportunities of faithful romance and love.

We can’t pretend that a romantic relationship is the end all, be all of our existence—it’s not. There are so many more important things. But if love is what we want, if romance is something we’re willing to chase after or have chase us, then it’s helpful to be willing to accept its graces into our lives. Yes, our heart has been broken, and yes, we should take ample time to heal from the wounds of our past, but that doesn’t mean we are unworthy of love. No matter what’s happened to us or how awful the mistakes of our past are—and mine are the worst of the lot—we deserve to be loved; it’s even our right. Honestly, if I, the one of broken hearts and failed promises, can find a wholesome, healing love after falling so far, then so can anyone.

Love is a gamble and romance is never guaranteed; but if we can pry open our will to be accepting, even after all the heartache, then maybe we can find the kind of love we’ve wanted all along.

You can follow me on Twitter here. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Are Tv Networks Doing it Wrong?

I’m about to confess to something that I am not proud. This confession is not easy to make, but I feel the time has come for me to put it all out there for the judgmental eyes and minds of the world. Okay, here it goes:

I watch a lot of television. Like…A LOT.

At last count, I regularly watch seventeen different television programs EVERY SINGLE WEEK. I even have a list on my iPhone of the shows I watch so that I don’t miss any. And it’s not like I do this for work or to write reviews or whatever; I just really like watching TV. Go ahead…judge me. I deserve it.

To be even more honest, [...]

Read the rest of the article on QuarterlifeMan.com here:
http://www.quarterlifeman.com/are-tv-networks-doing-it-wrong/

How to Lose a Girlfriend

It’s said that we are to write what we know. And although I’ve taken the liberty to put together handy little guides about how to get a girlfriend or boyfriend in the past, my true expertise lies in knowing how to chase away someone special. Simply, I’ve been broken up with enough times to realize what I do wrong and what I do right. This here is what you should do if you want to not have a girlfriend anymore.

So, whether you’re using this as a guide on what not to do, or you’d rather take the cowardly route and act like Chandler trying to get Janice to breakup with him, these simple tips should do the trick. If not, then the chick you’re with has her claws dug in tight and won’t be letting go until Ryan Gosling finally realizes his undying love for her and proposes; then, maybe you’ll be free like Willy (Free? Willy? Free Willy? Get it?).

DISCLAIMER: I am currently in a committed relationship with a fantastic young lady, and as far as I know, things are going great. She may tell you differently.

Anyway, bear with me and I’ll try to teach you what makes a girl head for them there hills. Ready? Let’s twist this!

 Do…Be Selfish

I “used” this technique to drive a way a lady or two in my day. I like to think I’ve gotten better, but every now and then it’s still “ME ME ME ME ME ME!”
If you’re wanting lose the wonderful girl in your life, forget all about her wants and needs and focus solely on numero uno (that’s you, champ). Don’t ask how her day was, only talk about yourself, and only do the things you want to do when you two go out. In no time, she’ll send you kicking rocks (that or send you 47 texts in a row……..).

Don’t…Put Forth Any Effort
I wish I could say I’ve never been guilty of committing this faux-paux, but sometimes we get uninterested or just plain lazy when it comes to our relationship, so we quit putting forth any type of effort. This makes a girl feel like she’s doing all the work, and I don’t know of many girls who will put up with that for too long.
Don’t call her, don’t check on her, don’t tell her how much she means to you and you’ll be allllllll alone asap.

Do…Have Another Girl as a Close Friend
Women—like us men—are of the jealous type, generally. So if you’re wanting your girl feel threatened and like she may just cut the break line of SOMEONE’S car, then be sure to have another female as your BFF. Not only will this drive your girlfriend iNsAnE iN tHe MeMbRaNe, but it’ll also insure that you’ll be single and ready to mingle/cry yourself to sleep. Good job, sailor.

Don’t…Be Respectful
Any woman worth a challenge will want to be respected. With that being said, if you’re not wanting to be with a girl who’s worth a challenge anymore, then be disrespectful. Talk down to her, get handsy, and/or ignore her attempts at fixing the relationship. Not only will you be single, but any girl who has ever known or even heard of her or you will know what a worthless cad you are (it’s important to remember that every female knows every other female one way or the other). That way, you can be single for a very, very, very, very long time! Yay!

Do…Borrow Money from Her
I hate to admit that I’ve done this, but it’s true. If there’s one way to strain and eventually fracture a relationship, it’s borrowing money from your girlfriend and then taking too long to pay her back. So, if you’re wanting to never hear from her again, but WOULD like to hear from her lawyer and/or dad/big brother, borrow a sizeable amount of cash and then “forget” to pay it back. In other words, be the Kramer to her Seinfeld. You can’t go wrong here. Well, you can, but that’s the point, right?

Use these five tips and you’ll be without the love and warmth of a woman really, really quickly! If they don’t work, you’re just too good of a guy and there’s no “helping” you. Also, you probably shouldn’t be listening to the guy who broke up with his childhood sweetheart because she “knew me too well”. Yeah……..

DISCLAIMER PART 2: I hope to God you all realize that this post is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek as you read it. After last Monday’s feminism mishap, I can’t take any more hate mail right now. Please and thank you.

You should following me on Twitter. Do it here. Thanks for reading!

Our Purposeful Relationships by John Wise

Today’s guest post comes from my buddy, John Wise. John is a youth leader and speaker who truly seeks the heart of God in all he does.
You can find more of John’s work on his blog www.JHWise.com. Enjoy.
-C 

I have 436 friends on Facebook. Now, I realize that this number is chump change compared to what some of you have, but let’s be honest; we don’t really have that many friends in real life. I considered taking part in “National Unfriend Day” this year, but alas, I missed it.

It’s crazy to think about how many people I have interacted with in my short lifetime. Of those 436 people who are my friends on Facebook, I’ve had some sort of interaction with most them. Whether it was through church, speaking somewhere, school, or whatever; I have had some sort of interaction with them.

Think of the people that Jesus encountered. The people He had dinner with. The people He fed. The people He taught. He interacted with a ton of people. But, He had twelve guys that He spent most of His time with and then three who were closest to Him.

I think relationships and friendships are important. It’s great to have people to spend time with, to laugh with, and to cry with. But to be honest, if the relationships you have in your life are just there to make you feel less lonely and to give you something to do on a Friday night, they’re pointless and aren’t true friendships. If you, as a friend, are not pushing people to do better, to be better, and to grow closer to God, you’re failing as a friend. If you’re friends are not pushing you to do better, to be better and to grow closer to God, they’re failing you as a friend.

Jesus interacted with a lot of people, but He had those three men who He connected with on a whole different level. Those were the ones Jesus opened up to more. Those three were the ones who Jesus told, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” (Mark 14:34) and wanted them to pray with Him. One of those three is even referred to as the “One whom Jesus loved” and was told by Jesus on the cross to take care of His mother.

This is what I have learned: I need to surround myself with people who know me, yet love me anyways; who encourage me to be better, to do better and challenge me to be closer to Christ. I need that. You need that. I am so grateful for the people who have come into my life and have done that over the years. But not only do we need that in our lives, but we need to be doing the same in the lives of our friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, husbands, etc. If we aren’t, we are failing them.

Take time to evaluate your friendships. What can you do to be a better friend? How can you push your friends to be better and grow closer to God? Who are the friends that are challenging you? If you don’t have any, find two or three who will.

You can read more from John on his blog www. JHWise.com. You can also follow him on Twitter here.

Expectant Love by Jake Dudley

This guest post comes from my buddy, Jake Dudley. Jake is a writer and speaker who does a fantastic job of showing what God’s love is all about. 
You can find more of Jake’s writing on his blog at www.JakeDudley.tumblr.com. Also, follow him on Twitter at www.Twitter.com/JakeDudley.
I’ll be back writing tomorrow. Thanks for reading.
-C 

___________________

I love love.

Like I REALLY love love.

And if that means I have to turn over my man card to some manly council who wears Ed Hardy, listens to Nickelback, and drives a Mustang, then so be it.

Love is a beautiful thing. And to be honest, sometimes it can be a bit of an unhealthy obsession for me.  For instance: at a church-related college gathering of any kind? I’m on the prowl. Walking into Chick-fil-A? Swag=on (because let’s be honest, all bombshell Christian girls eat at CFA). Friend’s birthday party? You better believe I’ve already noticed who has clicked “attending” on Facebook.

So there you have it: the sad, vulnerable confessions of a lovesick 24-year-old.

Am I ashamed of these facts about myself? NO! (Ok, maybe a little) But the truth is, in some form or fashion, we’re all looking for a little love and acceptance.  We’re all seeking someone who can relate to us, meet us where we are, love us in spite of our junk and do so without any expectations.

Because that’s what love is, right?

True, Biblical love is acceptance, grace, honor, and trust—among many other things—that you give to someone without having expectations of receiving anything in return. And you give it all no matter what.

And that’s where my love for love stops me dead in my tracks; because I just can’t seem to wrap my measly little brain around that fact.

I’m supposed to give those things and expect NOTHING in return?

Now, I don’t know about you, but I have a confession to make: when I first meet someone and date them, my first thought is not, “I’m going to give this person every ounce of grace and love and honor and trust I possibly can. It doesn’t matter if they give nothing in return!”

In fact, selfishly, it’s usually the opposite.

I’m USUALLY thinking about how attractive she is, her style, her music taste and what all that means for my image. Or I sometimes think about how badly I need someone who puts me in my place from time to time. Then my thoughts take me to hoping she is better with money and schedules than I am so that she can handle all the aspects of life I’m no good at. You know…once we get married.

And that, my friend, is where we can get it terribly wrong.

This kind of love is so selfish. This is not real love. It is a dangerously fictional idea of love. And it has become so packaged by Hollywood that now, those of us who are recipients of the TRUE love of Jesus Christ, have begun to believe in the fraudulent love that society is screaming at us to embrace.

We must end this epidemic.

True love is scraping at the walls of our hearts anxiously struggling to escape.

The heaviness you feel when you see a child dying of starvation? That is LOVE. Do something with it. The desire you have to be fought for and chosen? LOVE. Don’t settle for anything different. The joy you get when surrounded by people who empower and uplift you? LOVE. Surround yourself with it. The brutal death Jesus experienced in order to give you life? LOVE! Surrender to it.

I no longer desire to love the kind of love that culture tells me I deserve. From now on, I desire a love that is everlasting; a love that doesn’t fit the mold of normalcy and throws away all sense of reason.

So do I still love love? Yes. But I love the love that Jesus died for me to experience; the kind of love that requires me to give it to other people with no expectation.  The kind of love that requires me to get off my butt, unfold my hands and usher others, whether my friends, my co-workers or the girl I’m dating, into the Kingdom of God.

Should Christians be Cussing?

Have you ever seen the classic Christmas film Home Alone? (Yes, it’s a classic.) I hope the answer is yes because that film should be a staple for every family’s movie viewing during the holidays. I mean, it’s a little kid getting the better of two middle aged, bumbling crooks, while also beating the living crap out of them. What’s not to love?

The best part of Home Alone isn’t Kevin McCallister bludgeoning Harry and Marv into painful oblivion (although that never gets old, let’s be honest). It’s the fact that Joe Pesci—he of classic foul-mouthed films such as Goodfellas, Casino, and Raging Bull, etc.—couldn’t use the language he normally would because he was in a “family” film. According to the story, the director got him to quit cussing on camera by asking him (nicely, I assume) to say “fridge” instead of the other f-word. That, coupled with random strings of consonants bunched together as filler, left the once imposing bad guy spouting nothing but mouthfuls of gibberish as he’s beaten, bloodied, and set on fire. It’s hilarious.

And although I’d like to say I keep my language in restraints like ol’ Harry did, with meaningless gibberish taking the place of more colorful words, the truth is that from time to time, I let a word or two slip that I would not want my grandmother hearing. It’s usually not a conscious decision to do so (okay, sometimes it is…), but nevertheless, in those fleeting moments of private frustration, I become a cussing Christian.

Now, as someone who was raised in the Church, I’ve been taught and deeply believe that each person is responsible for deciding which convictions they will abide by in their life. The way the Bible is interpreted is relative to the individual (hence many, many different religions and sects of Christianity), so it’s possible—and highly likely—that you and I may not agree on what does or does not constitute a sin. From my experience, the use of modern day curse words is one such subject.

In today’s post-modern cultural of Christianity, some maintain that even though they are designated to be “bad” by man and not God, certain words shouldn’t be uttered. And then there are those that believe because God’s law and opinion supersede that of man, the use of curse words is not a direct conflict to their Christianity. Each side makes plenty of valid points in their argument, yet maybe the subject of “cussing” isn’t a matter of right or wrong, sin or no sin, but rather a matter of discipleship.

It wouldn’t take much for me to throw scriptures forward about how we are to be “in” this world but not “of” it. It’s the ready-made defense for those who wish to explain why they do and do not do things. But the truth remains that as Christians, we are called—and even commanded—to exude the change we’ve taken on once the cloak of salvation covers us. In the most rudimentary of explanations, we are to behave as Christ did—we are to be Christ-like. And while it’s true that He hung out with a crowd of less-than-desirable characters, I can’t see Jesus Christ using epithets to get a point across to His disciples or a crowd of believers. It’s within that inherent desire to be more like Him where we should be able to discover whether our actions affect our everyday ministry or not. Is our Christian message discounted when a non-believer hears us using the same type of language they do? How are we being “different” (read: Christ-like) if parts of our behavior are no different than those of someone who doesn’t subscribe to the teachings of Christ?

As we develop in our walk with God, whether as a new convert or someone who’s been a Christian all their life, He is constantly molding and shaping us into what will best suit His plan for our life. It’s a necessary and welcomed change from what we used to be. And during this change, the old parts of our life tend to fall away, making way for the grace and forgiveness He affords us.

Yet, with Christianity’s still-not-quite-cool-enough reputation in today’s mainstream culture—and there’s no denying this to be true—it’s likely some of us make a subconscious decision to keep using a more “worldly” vocabulary as a means of simply staying relevant (no pun intended). Whether it’s the individual wanting to fit in with a crowd or a creative type (blogger, musician, preacher, teacher, etc.) wanting to reach a bigger chunk of the population so that they may cultivate a larger audience, a need to be accepted exists. Perhaps the result of that desire is our showing we’re not part of the Christian reputation by being more accessible to the non-believer. I suppose it can be considered a method or technique of reaching the lost, but then again, how are we showing the difference God has made in our life if there’s no actual difference to show?

Maybe cussing really isn’t that big of a deal. It certainly doesn’t top most “DO NOT DO” lists; actions speak far louder than words, after all. But doesn’t it make sense that if we’re to be examples of God’s ability to not only redeem but also thoroughly change, we should conduct ourselves as such? I think so.

You can follow me on Twitter here. Thank you for reading.
My debut novel “These Were the Nights” will be available everywhere this spring.

How to Lose Your Boyfriend

Someway, somehow I’ve inferred that most of my relationships have ended with me getting dumped. As much as I enjoy a sympathetic look/hug/snuggle, I feel I should set the record straight; I’ve done my fair share of ending relationships. Not only that, but I’d say I’ve broken up with a girl about as many times as I’ve been dumped by one (and yet, I bet you still consider me to be the heel just because I had to break up with a girl or two…or four. I’m blaming Taylor Swift and her stupid, sappy songs).

Regardless, now that the record has been straight and we can all have a good cry about it (hold me?), I decided to examine the reasons that made me break up with those girls in the first place. And then I thought I should make out a list for you. Whether you’re wanting to know what to avoid so you don’t lose your hunk o’ burning love, or you’re actually wondering what would make a fella take off running, I’ve got your answers right here.

Let’s proceed, shall we? Yes, let’s…

Do…Pull a “Bait and Switch”
The technique of the “bait and switch” is an advertising gimmick used by companies. They promise you one thing, but when you get there to get what you want, they tell you about all the obligations you have to address first. So, if you’re wanting to chase away that sweet boy who cares for you dearly, start acting in a way that is COMPLETELY opposite of the way that made him want to be with you in the first place.
Not only will he be turned off to the thought of being your man, but he’ll also worry for your mental health. And that’s a plus!

Don’t…Be Faithful
There’s very little that’s worse for a dude than being cheated on. It’s like a multi-sided weapon being thrust into his heart; only if his heart is then ripped out, thrown to the floor, and square danced on.
First, his girl cheated on him and that alone hurts, but then another guy got his girl away from him and that hurts his pride. Not to mention there’s the competition part of “losing” his girl to the aforementioned other guy as well (disclaimer: women are not a prize to be won or lost. Please don’t send me hate mail).
So, to effectively drive your dude away, fall into the arms of some douchebag with bedazzled jeans and way too much hair gel. It’ll get the job done quick and not-so-painless. Done and done.

Do…Refuse to Trust Him
Few things feel better than being trusted; especially when you’re trusted by someone you care about/love. But, what happens when that trust is taken away for no reason and replaced with lots of yelling and/or manhood insults? Well, a guy will feel attacked for one. And then he’s going to feel insulted.
Now, depending on how much this guy likes you, he may try to “win” your trust. This will include lots of communication and sharing on his part. He wants you to know you can trust him not to hurt you. BUT, if you’ll keep refusing to give in, he’ll eventually get fed up and walk away. Yay! (RHYME!)

Don’t…Let His Family Like You
In a relationship, it’s good—while not necessary—to have the support of both parties’ family. This makes it easier for him to bring you around his family for special occasions and what have you.
Yet, if the goal is a break up, you can do your best to make sure his family hates the very air you breathe. Do this by asking his mom if she’s gained weight or telling his dad he sure is losing a lot of hair. Even better, go after the siblings (if applicable); tell his sister she looks a bit “mannish” with that mustache she’s growing while also asking his brother if you can set him up with this cute guy you know (this only works if your beau’s brother is obviously not gay).
They’ll be burning you at the stake in no time. This will add stress to your boyfriend and we all know what stress does to a relationship if applied just right. KABOOM!

Do…Stop Shaving Your Armpits
No explanation is needed here. Go forth and be hairy like Kristen Stewart (you KNOW she doesn’t shave).

Take these five steps and wreak havoc on your relationship to the best of your diabolical abilities. Not only will you be rid of that pesky boy who loves and adores you, but you’ll also get the benefit of crying yourself to sleep at night! And that’s just a win all the way around. If not, it’s your own fault for listening to the guy who once had a mullet (it’s true…second grade was rough, you guys).

I like to keep it funny/awesome on the Twitter, so follow me here. Thanks for reading!

Everyday Grace

I hold a grudge like you wouldn’t believe. Like, I’m still upset about something that happened in 2^nd grade and I’m almost twenty-seven. It’s a small part of me that I don’t particularly like, but it’s always been there, resting in my heart. And even though I’ve tried my hardest to correct it, still it remains. I realize how pathetic it sounds, but the truth is I have a hard time of forgiving those who have slighted me; especially if they don’t feel the need to acknowledge their mistake and apologize. That makes me want to burn their house down.

While I consider myself to be the kind of person who addresses things with a fairly laid back approach, there’s something about being done wrong that sets my temper ablaze. Maybe it’s because I feel disrespected or taken advantage of; honestly, I’m not sure. Whatever the case, I need to be more willing to extend grace and forgiveness toward those who do me harm in these grandiose moments of betrayal. It’s what a good Christian would do.

I think on this and chastise myself for being so childish about things that probably mean very little in correlation to the big picture that is my life. But then I consider the even smaller slights that happen every day; the ones that incite my anger for only a moment: the idiot who cuts me off in traffic and then feels the need to offer me a one finger salute for whatever reason; or the coworker who decides that I should be helping them do their work on top of my own. These types of things agitate me and cause my mood to sour. They’re obviously trivial, and yet I allow them to affect me in a deepened way. It’s because I am not willing to offer the same reoccurring grace God shows toward me every single day.

It’s one thing to be willing to give forgiveness and grace when we are wounded mightily, but it takes an abundance of grace to provide it in response to the everyday things that set us off. It isn’t easy by any means, yet if we allow ourselves to recognize and appreciate the forgiveness that is afforded to us on a continual basis, maybe we can then begin to show that same kind of grace to those who do us even the smallest act of disservice.

We readily accept God’s grace into our lives to combat and rectify our everyday wrongdoing; it’s time we—and especially I—extend that same amazing grace to those around us.

You can follow me on Twitter here. Thank you for reading.

Moving On

Have you ever seen that magazine ad the Marines use? It has this guy trying to complete a pull-up while his face is contorted into this really gruesome look and sweat pours from every inch of his body. Beneath the sweating Marine, in supremely bold letters, is the tagline, “PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY”. You know the ad I’m talking about, right? It always catches my attention for a number of reasons. One, that guy looks like he’s about to have a heart attack, and considering I can’t do fifteen consecutive pushups without collapsing into a bawling mess of emotions, that makes me respect the heck out of him. Two, the boldly printed saying makes me think. I begin to wonder if it’s true. Is the presence of pain really weakness leaving my body? If not, can I sue the Marines so that they’ll give me one of those sweet rifles they twirl around? Somehow, I doubt it.

Let’s be honest here: there are many different types of pain. Yes, the type of pain that particular Marine is going through is pushing him and making him stronger so that he is better fit to defend our country (God bless them for it). But what of emotional or mental pain? How many of us feel ourselves getting stronger when our world has been wrecked and we don’t know what to do? My guess is very few.

Relationships have a way of overtaking our world. Whether good or bad, a relationship—romantic or otherwise—has the means of leaving its mark on us once it has ended. We do our best to accept the good while dispelling the bad, but often times the bad of our relationship so heavily outweighs the good, that we’re left with bruised emotions and damaged psyches. Do what we might, the lingering scars of a failed relationship and the abuse (mental, emotional, and God forbid, physical) finds its way into our everyday actions and thoughts. It’s not that we’re less of a person since the relationship has ended, but that’s how we can feel. Regardless of the type of  underhanded abuse we’ve suffered, we find ourselves struggling to regain the sense of normalcy we had before our world was turned upside down; we try repossess that sure footing we had before we fell for the wrong person.

That isn’t always an easy thing to do.

As I usually do when addressing a matter of such importance, I’m speaking from my own ongoing experience. Because of how my marriage ended, I live with the fear of making that same mistake again. Am I capable of hurting another person emotionally the way I did my former wife? What if I marry someone only to discover that I don’t love them the way I thought I did? What if I rip apart another woman’s world the way I’ve done before? I’d be lying if I didn’t say these thoughts terrify me. And yet, I know they’re unhealthy. I’m older and wiser since my divorce over four years ago; I’ve learned from the mistakes I’ve made and I’ve grown from them. But still…they remain.

A past relationship can either help or harm us. We can learn from them and apply the lessons in the future, or we can allow what’s happened in our past dictate the type of person we are now and in the future. I won’t pretend that it’s easy to simply saunter beyond the failed expectations and broken promises of a failed relationship; especially when a former partner was abusive through the duration of the relationship. But as we do in everything, we have a choice to either become the victim to our past hurts, or we can choose to be better and stronger than we were and conquer them.

I’m guilty of letting my past frighten me into false starts and frightened dreams, but that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. I’m a better and wiser person than I was back then. I shouldn’t be allowing what happened then keep me from something possibly wonderful now—and neither should you.

We’re better than our past would have us believe. We’re worth more than the pain that berates us. We deserve to live and love with a stirred belief of self within our hearts.

Victim or Conqueror: it’s our choice to make.

We just have to choose the right one.

Follow me on Twitter here. If you’re needing someone to talk to, feel free to email me at Cory@MadtoLove.com. Thank you for reading. It really does mean the world to me.

What Women Want (Part II)

Every now and then, I like to write something that will garner a fair number of death threats. From the first part of this post on what women want, to my posts on how to get a boyfriend, to my attempt at addressing feminism; I’ve been known to stir the anger of women every now and then. This post will be no different.

I do this not because I’m a glutton for punishment, but because I like to help my fellow man out whenever I can. And since I’ve learned a thing or two about women in my travels (just kidding; I’ve never been anywhere), I like to share this attained knowledge from time to time so that other guys will have a better understanding of women and how their crazy brilliant minds work. This is that.

Quick note: Ladies, if you’re wanting to sent angry-worded letters in response to this post, please forward them to me at LA-LA-LA-I-CAN’T-HEAR-YOU@pleasedon’thurtme.com. Please and thank you.

Let’s get to it. Behold, five things a woman wants, whether she’ll admit it or not.

She Wants to be Able to Rely on You
Reliability is key in any relationship…especially in one involving the fairer sex (that would be women). She wants to know that when that hooker she hates at work/school/the sorority house is mean to her, she can call you up to vent; it’s important to her. She wants to know that when she’s sick, you’ll be there to take good care of her and make her feel better (the fact that you’re probably not a trained medical professional is neither here nor there).
In short, she’s not going to want to let you be her man (yes, let you…) if she can’t rely on you to be there when she needs you.
I hope you wrote that down. It’s important.

She Wants Trust
It takes a lot for a girl to trust a guy. Why? Because there are too many of our kind who like to take advantage of a girl to get the things they want (these types of guys are known as douchebags). So make a point of showing her she can trust you; leave no doubt in her mind that you are faithful to her 10000000000% of the time.
And equally important is the fact that she wants you to trust her. Don’t question her constantly for no reason. Unless she blatantly gives you a reason not to give her your trust, do what you can to show her you aren’t worried about her running around on you.
However, if she abuses that trust, cut her off and talk bad about her to everyone you know. JUST KIDDING! But seriously…

She Wants Stability
Most women that I know/have known/won’t ever talk to me again care very little for material possessions (or so they say…). You know what they do want? They want a guy who is stable and secure. They don’t want a dude who isn’t sure of what he wants so he’s constantly threatening to break up with them and what not. She wants to know that most of your personal issues are worked out so they aren’t constantly interfering in your relationship with her.
If you’re dealing with things, don’t get in a relationship expecting her to fix you. It doesn’t work that way (same to you, ladies). Figure out your issues beforehand, and once they’re all worked out, then find the lady you can be solid-as-a-rock for (and I’m not just talking about your muscles, you big lug).

She Wants Respect
I’ve written about this about a hundred times, but I do that because it’s important. Any girl worth pursuing is one that wants to be respected. She wants you to act like a gentleman and treat her like a lady. She wants to know that you don’t talk about her behind her back or lie to your little buddies about what you two do or do not do on your dates (I’m referring to sex and stuff).
Even though this want of a woman seems to be less and less prevalent, I’ll continue to preach its merits because it’s THAT important.
Respect her or just leave her alone. It’s simple enough.

She Wants to be Wanted
Even though we don’t admit it as readily, we men want to be wanted. It’s just human nature. So if we big, burly, manly men have a secret desire to be wanted, how much more does a woman?
I don’t mean “wanted” in the sexual sense (that’s fairly obvious since we’re dudes), but in the “I want to be with you” sense. A woman wants to know that her guy wants her around. She wants to know he isn’t going to deny that he’s with her. She wants to know that her man is proud to call her his own.

Use these five little tips to your advantage in your courtship and you’ll have your lady feeling like she’s on top of the world. If not, well that’s what you get for listening to a guy who titles his posts after Mel Gibson movies.
Actually, never mind; I stand by my advice with a steady resolve (this time).

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Thoughts of a Divorced Christian

In today’s world, it can be fairly difficult to be a twenty-something Christian. Not only do we deal the normal pressures a young person faces (school, dating, sex, work, etc.), but we do so with certain labels stapled to us by a hardened world simply because we choose to believe the way we do. Getting to a place of personal comfort and acceptance can often times be difficult. Now, take all of that and pile on the stigma of being divorced while within the disapproving confines of the Christian culture. To put it mildly: it ain’t easy.

I was married at 19, and after three years of marriage, my wife and I decided to part ways and end our union. It wasn’t an easy decision to make—especially since our daughter had just been born—but our relationship was beyond resolve. This was partly because I had married her when I didn’t love her and partly because we were no longer getting along on any level. We decided we didn’t want to raise our daughter in a home filled with loudly spouted words and angry feelings.

Since we were both raised in Christian homes and taught that divorce is against the Word and wishes of God, you can imagine how disappointed our families were—especially in me. I can’t speak for my ex-wife and what she went through because that isn’t my place, but I can truthfully say that for the year or so after my divorce, I had never felt more alone in my life. Though they loved me, my family’s disappointment resulted in ostracizing me, in a way, from their comfort and love. Their attitude and temperance had hardened against me because I had dared to break from what I had been taught all my life. It wasn’t an easy time, and honestly, I found myself in a deep and dark place that I am neither proud of nor willing to return to. Frankly, I am happy to have survived.

Through those times of dejection, I found myself dealing with feelings of guilt and lack of worth. Because of my being divorced, I walked an unsteady beat toward acceptance. Not only did I have my family issues to deal with, but I also had to face the disapproving glances from my church and its saints. When I walked into service—on the rare occasions I found the courage to attend—I felt as if I wore a scarlet letter on my chest. It was a senseless and brutal assault on my psyche, but one I felt was earned at the time.

Dating was even worse.

I wouldn’t allow myself to enter into a new relationship until I had healed from the one that ended. Yet even then, it was hard to find a girl who could accept me as someone who was whole and unburdened. They saw my baggage and prejudged the person I was based on what I’d been through. That wasn’t easy.

I would only date a good, Christian girl, but none of the good, Christian girls wanted me. Catch-22 doesn’t begin to explain it.

I won’t pretend that divorce is okay; it isn’t. It’s wrong. But so is holding someone’s past decisions against them. Through my situation, I discovered that a Christian divorcee is often times seen as a lesser Christian. We have folded from what we are taught, and in return, we are looked down upon. To that, I have but one response: hate the sin, love the sinner.

We have all sinned and fallen short of God’s grace, but for one reason or another, when a fellow Christian becomes a divorced Christian, they are dealt a harsher punishment than if they had lied or stolen something. Even after time has passed and the parties involved have moved on, that reputation of failed Christianity remains—and that can be more hurtful than anything. 

The Bible says that sin is not relative and every act is equal. So why are we so quick to remove value from a divorced Christian? We are no less worthy of God’s love and forgiveness.

Consider this: if the mighty Creator of all that is good and holy can find it in His heart to forgive those who have failed the test of marriage, then shouldn’t we as well?

I’m happy to say that I made it through all the judgments and disapprovals—of the dating world and everyday life. And while I haven’t married again just yet, I’ve moved beyond the place where my past dictates my romantic relationship. Dating isn’t always easy because of the lingering stigma of divorce, but God has seen fit to bless me with a wonderful woman who bases her love for me on who I am and who I’ll be rather than on who I was or what I’ve been through.

And you know what? There is no better feeling in the entire world than that.

You can follow me on Twitter here. Thank you for reading.
My debut novel “These Were the Nights” will be available everywhere this spring.

Don’t be “That” Girl

Every so often, when a young man is out and about, he’ll come across a certain type of young lady. Now, this type of female is a special breed. She isn’t born this way, but through different circumstances and—most likely—disappointments, she morphs into “that” girl. Odds are, you know who I’m referring to.

She’s the one that wants a man but can’t help driving them away. She doesn’t mean to; she just does. She does this simply because she isn’t very self-aware of how she is or what she does (or maybe she is and just doesn’t care…?). Regardless, it’s best to recognize the signs of being a “that” girl, so that if you are wanting to attract a man, you aren’t driving him/them away unknowingly.

With that in mind, I’ve picked out five common mistakes “that” girl makes in her pursuit of the opposite sex. Take them literally if you wish; I’m simply speaking from a place of experience after dealing with a number of these young ladies in the past.

As always, send any hate mail you may have regarding this post to MY-FINGERS-ARE-IN-MY-EARS-AND-I-CAN’T-HEAR-YOU@MyMomCanBeatYouUp.com. I’ll respond to each of them after I alert the authorities about the death threats and what not.

Behold, Five Ways to Not be “That” Girl.

Enjoy!

Don’t Call and/or Text 47 Consecutive Times Hoping for a Response
Just like most of my “advice”, this one should come with a big ol’ “DUH!” sign hanging around its neck. And yet, there are certain young ladies who think that if they call or text enough times, a fella WILL have to respond eventually. They are wrong. Oh, so wrong.
Not only does the chick look psycho in a major way, but the guy will see them as extremely high maintenance, and I can’t name five guys who want to put up with a high maintenance woman.
But then again, what do I know? (Answer: EVERYTHING!) (Not really……)

Don’t Assume Anything
Most guys are slow moving creatures when it comes romance and relationships (my getting married at 19 after dating for four months not-with-standing), so when a girl posts the status/tweet, “oMg, i DoNe FoUnD tHe OnE aNd Am In LoOoOoOoOoVe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” after a single, solitary date, a guy is most likely going to get freaked out only a lot of bit.
How to avoid this? Don’t assume anything—good or bad. Go only by what he tells you he’s feeling. Don’t assume he’s automatically in love with you just because he smiled at you and opened your door. It’s likely he’s just a gentleman or he’s read my guide on treating women right. Either one…

Don’t Show Up Uninvited
Again, “DUH!” right? But you’d be surprised how many girls think the old saying “out of sight, out of mind” makes them think they should show up wherever their crush is, whether they’re invited or not.
Not only does this tiptoe right up to the crazy stalker line, but it makes a guy feel pretty uneasy to know that this girl he’s only just started talking to feels it’s okay to invade his space without a specific invite.
Save yourself some embarrassment and wait for him to ask you to come along rather than show up unannounced.

Don’t Try to Make Him Jealous
This piece of advice should transcend the entirety of a relationship, but it is especially true at the beginning.
I’ve never met a single man that enjoys being made jealous. So if you two just started getting to know each other, do not try to make him jealous to try and get his attention. It will not work. I can’t say that any more plainly.
Making a guy jealous—or at least trying to—will only backfire, leaving you feeling silly while crying and snotting into a bowl of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey as Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone” wails in the background.

Don’t Fish for Compliments
This is one of the most annoying things women—and men—can do. They either went through special trouble to look nice and want you to notice it, or they’re insecure about something so they degrade themselves, hoping their crush will admonish them and compliment them until they’re blue in the face.
If you think you look nice, just wait for the compliment. If you’re dating a guy who is worth anything at all, he’ll compliment you.
If you’re insecure about something, don’t insult yourself and hope your boy disagrees with you. That’s annoying and shows a lack of confidence. And you know something…nothing is sexier than a girl with confidence.
If you ARE going to fish for compliments, at least be creative. “Watch me fight this bear while wearing heels!” or “Isn’t it awesome that I caught this fish with my bare hands?!”

So there you have it: five easy tips to follow so you’re not “that” girl. Keep yourself from doing these things, and getting someone to return your calls and/or texts will be much, much, much easier. If not, that’s what you get for listening to the guy who can’t seem to find peace about the One Tree Hill ending and may or may not cry himself to sleep over it every night.

And if you think I was unfair to women in this post and feel like burning me at the stake, just wait until Friday when I write on “Don’t be ‘That’ Guy”.

You can follow me on Twitter here. Thanks for reading!